Self-esteem...
auntblabby
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<--- Very low self esteem. Doesn't go out and has no associates. Restaurants, museums, parks and movie theatres are becoming things of the past. Oh well.
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auntblabby
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Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
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Location: the island of defective toy santas
I'm not sure on which level I should answer this.
On the one hand, I have quite low self-esteem, with regard to exterior factors such as:
*Number of friends,
* job satisfaction,
* income level,
* security of emotional relationships,
* future prospects,
* mental health needs,
* self-perception as a disabled person,
* unsuitability for most jobs,
* tendency to rely on drink and drugs to address personal anxieties,
* no long-term relationship since 2008 (and no prospect of one in the foreseeable future),
* a characteristic streak of perversity which means I will refuse to follow good advice unless I have thought of it independently (even though this often gets me into trouble),
* complete lack of ability to manage my personal finances (and a related risk of getting into debt, which is often more than theoretical in nature),
* tendency to get into abusive relationships, (which is possibly related to my)
* lack of an appropriate emotional relationship with my father since childhood and ongoing (for which I somehow blame myself, even though I know this is not reasonable),
* ability to initiate friendships but then never pursue them (which would be far less depressing if I didn't initiate them to begin with, since the other person always perceives this as a personal 'snub'),
* failure to have conceived a 'career plan' at an early age and then pursued it (rather than just bumbling along from one job to the next, with spells of unemployment in between)
* not having any realistic chance of owning my own home
* no investment in a personal pension scheme, probably meaning I will live in poverty during retirement
* ... if I live that long, having highly-unhealthy addictions to booze and fags which I don't seem to be able to conquer
* instinctive non-appreciation of (in fact, complete lack if interest in) most popular entertainment (such as soap operas and football), meaning that I am unable to get involved in some of the most common topics of discussion
* personal tendency toward paranoia with regard to personal relationships (which I regard as the AS attempt to analyse by logical means, subjects which should be understood on an emotional level)
* phobia about opening mail or email, often leading to missed deadlines/lack of participation/perceptions (by others) that I am deliberately ignoring them/etc
... and so on and so forth.
On the other hand:
I have quite high self-esteem judged by personal factors, in that
* I know I'm more intelligent than most people I meet (present company excepted),
* I have a strict personal code of moral behaviour which I generally uphold,
* I'm not ugly (yet),
* I'm not unattractive (yet),
* I have areas of demonstrated strength at a professional level in a practice that I find personally fulfilling,
* I try to do good and be helpful even to total strangers, regardless of whether it will benefit me,
* I am generally perceived positively by acquaintances (even if this doesn't result in personal friendship)
* I am generous despite being on a low income
* I try to perceive and interact with people on an individual level, rather than regarding them through lenses of class/subculture/ethnicity/etc
* I try not to be judgemental, unless provided with conclusively-deciding evidence, because everyone is a unique individual, responding as best they can to often unpredictable and frequently negative circumstances beyond their control (so for example, I didn't mind my sister embarking on a relationship with a convicted criminal, but drew the line and reported him to the police when he emptied her bank account at Christmas)
* I am quite creative (in a number of fields)
* I am not a Man Utd fan
* I try to encourage other people (and help them, wherever practical) to pursue their dreams and objectives, and ideally to fulfil themselves in that area
* I try to demonstrate the same patience and personal tolerance toward others that I know others sometimes need to demonstrate toward me
* I am not influenced by ephemeral fashions, because I regard them as the antithesis of individual expression
* I try to understand people at as deep a personal level as possible, even though this might not be reciprocated, which at one end of the scale can add to a (to them) unexpected appreciation of their personal circumstances and emotional state, and at the other could just mean buying them extremely personal well-chosen Christmas presents
* Despite all the above, I do not perceive myself as in any way approaching perfection, or even anything near it, but regard my personal development and improvement as something that I must actively pursue until I take my last breath, and I believe this to be a positive quality in and of itself
So on balance, I suppose that my self-esteem depends which of the above categories (or any number of unlisted others) is most strongly-applicable to my situation at any given moment.
Sometimes I feel great about myself and ready to take on the world, sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole and die.
Being bipolar definitely plays a part in this, but (as I hope I've outlined above) self-esteem can be measured by external or internal standards, and I wholeheartedly believe that if you pursue your internal standards, then the external standards aren't so important in the grand scheme of things. This was a lesson I first learned when I was briefly rich, and yet it didn't increase my happiness one jot.
auntblabby
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Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 113,740
Location: the island of defective toy santas
It's usually adequately high. Occasionally I feel rather low and insecure, but it's usually gone pretty quickly. It's mostly built in my teens and early 20s. Middle school, high school and college were the best time of my life. I am very grateful for that. It enables me to handle what life throws at me with optimism most of the time.
Part of it must be genetic. I know quite a few people who are good looking and successful who have low self-esteem.
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