Aspie/NT relationship and communication, PLZ HELP!

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This question is directed to Aspies in long term relationships or their partners.....My BF is 53 and a definite Aspie, (although he wont admit it). He considers himself a 'black and white thinker'. My 25 yr old son and ex husband are also diagnosed Aspies so I am familiar with it. My question is, I really want this relationship to work. I try my best to be very communicatiive with him and be very careful in choosing my words. He cannot ever seem to take any responsibility for his bad behaviour, and of course since hes NEVER wrong he also never apologises to me. This feels really bad. For me, not for him I'm assuming. His explanation for our problems , is that 'we see things 100% differently'...and that seems to be his excuse for never taking responsibilty or saying hes sorry. Hes very critical of me...sometimes I feel that I can never do anything right around him. You may be wondering why Im with him...Im wondering this myself....My last attempt at making our relationship better is to have a frank conversation with him or write him a letter....either way...to communicate that I cannot live with his critisim, his meltdowns and aspie tendendcies without apologies and possible productive, constructive, procedures to take so neither of us get hurt (verbally) during his meltdowns. Everytime I reflect to him, in a mature manner of what happened to hurt me he tells me I am doing character assasination...and beleive me there is none of this in my conversation. I'm trying to problem solve what will work better for us both so we can have a long term, healthy relationship. As a side note, he is a very very high powered, extremely intelligent man. A top exec for one of the biggest companies in the world so I know hes smart enough to handle it. Hes in charge of hundreds of employees...so why can he not seem to handle a relationship and problem solve with just one person-me? My question is: How is the best way to communicate? in writing or verbally? And are there particular words I should be using to help him to understand? How do I get my my feelings clear to him 'so it does compute"? And even if I get my feelings understood is there any possibility that he can even change at this point and take responsibility for his actions, ever???

Yikes...! Thas scary!

I'd suggest you start by writing him, making sure you are logical and coherent. This way he's forced to see all your points before knee-jerk reacting on the defensive. Let him know that you want the relationship to work but that you're finding there are some obstacles standing in the way. Ask him whether he wants the relationship to work. Assuming he too wants the relationship to work, you should make it clear that this is about utility not judgement.

For any relationship to function well, both partners need to be happy. Let him know you're not happy but also let him know that you want him to be happy. Don't tell him what he has done or is doing wrong. Instead tell him what he could do to make you happier and ask what you could do to make him happier.

Destidude...thank you so much for this advice. I know most people say hes an abuser and I should dump him. But truly, we have so many interests in common and I'm more of a fixer than runner so I am trying everything I can before I must leave him for my own sanity. I will leave him, if in fact he cannot and will not change his ways some, to help make our relationship a healthy one.

aspiegf, I'm not a big fan of ultimatums but it may come down to that to ensure real improvement. You'll need to make it clear something has to change if the relationship is to continue but be careful to make sure he's not left thinking you want to impose some sort of sacrifice upon him. If he deals with a lot of stress in his work the last thing he'll want to hear about is yet another demand.

Hi,

Just a reminder that high intelligence and ability to communicate and have a relationship are two different things - this is Asperger's - to various degrees as we are individuals, but it is in the literature. That he doesn't get it has nothing to do with how smart and successful he is, so you will frustrate both of you if you think he should just catch on.

IF he is indeed an Aspie - yes, word choice is important - and be clear and direct. You really don't need to couch it in 'nicey-nice' like you would talking to an NT - just be factual, but kind and calm. I would suggest not saying too much relationship stuff to him at once. As I was described by my psychologist, our thinking is binary - if/then, this/that, yes/no. For your own sake, you might want to journal all the stuff you would like to say to him to get it out of your system and pick out what is most important to talk to him about. You might also prepare him that you would like to say something and wait a sec so he is ready. I shut down when something is thrown at me with emotional load and someone is standing there expecting an answer right now. What do I do with that?

Have you tried some of the relationship books for NT/Aspie unions? Try Jessica Kingsley publishing: http://jkp.com/

Best to you, LM

I don't think that communication is often the root problem in relationships, even with people with asperger's - or at least it's not for me and my boyfriend: even if we have daily if not hourly misunderstandigs we can solve most of them pacifically - here's a link that explains my idea better
http://www.gerzon.com/resources/comm_not_prob.html
I think that the problem might be that your priorities actually are different, and he might not like the fact that you try to change him. I'm not saying that he shouldn't change, I have no idea of his personality, but ha might be comfortable enough with who he is to not accept "corrections" to mistakes he doesn't think he's making.

wow..the love ratio article is a must read for all couples! very eye opening...thank you.

Constant criticism sounds like abuse to me. I'd just walk out and let him be right about everything all on his lonesome.