Should You Ask Someone If You Are Still Friends?

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Kiseki
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23 Aug 2010, 10:22 am

So I have this "friend" who for the past several months has been very distant with me. We used to talk a lot and hang out at least once every 2 months. Now we barely talk and she basically ignores my emails. I asked her if she could hang out sometime cuz I was feeling a bit lonely. She at first said "Of course. When are you free?" Then when I answered she proceeded to just ignore me for like 3 weeks!

I'm about ready to ask her if she wants to be friends anymore. But is this something that should be asked? Or should I just get her hint and leave her alone? It's really making me quite sad, TBH.



dyingofpoetry
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23 Aug 2010, 10:57 am

I would not flat out ask her if you are stil friends unless she also knows you have Asperger's and therefore knows that you can misread cues. I often tell those close to me that they need to clearly spell out how they feel, because I have trouble telling on my own. If I've said or done something offensive due to my unintentional Asperpergian selfishness, I always apologize.

If this isn't someone you've disclosed to and you don't wish to do so, then just keep in mind that it's quite possible that she's entered a new phase in her life in which she is much busier and has other or new social circles. Life for most people is episodic and they are able to keep in touch with some people and drift away from others. This is probably that that is happening and if so, just call from time to time, no more than once or twice a month just to chat. When she is more free and her life has settled, she may want to renew your closer friendship. Until then try to understand and make some new connections yourself.


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Kiseki
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23 Aug 2010, 11:15 am

dyingofpoetry wrote:
I would not flat out ask her if you are stil friends unless she also knows you have Asperger's and therefore knows that you can misread cues. I often tell those close to me that they need to clearly spell out how they feel, because I have trouble telling on my own. If I've said or done something offensive due to my unintentional Asperpergian selfishness, I always apologize.

If this isn't someone you've disclosed to and you don't wish to do so, then just keep in mind that it's quite possible that she's entered a new phase in her life in which she is much busier and has other or new social circles. Life for most people is episodic and they are able to keep in touch with some people and drift away from others. This is probably that that is happening and if so, just call from time to time, no more than once or twice a month just to chat. When she is more free and her life has settled, she may want to renew your closer friendship. Until then try to understand and make some new connections yourself.


No, she doesn't know I have AS. But she knows I am a very sensitive person and that I always speak bluntly (too bluntly). So maybe she knows SOMETHING is up with me.

Well, I really doubt that her avoidance is because she is socially busier than before. This story is longer than needs to be told here but basically me and her got too close last December. Since then she's talked to me less and less and only hung out with me once (and it was really awkward, IMO).

It's kind of a weird friendship because of the sexual tension aspect. But I'd still like an answer.



anxiety25
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23 Aug 2010, 11:23 am

Maybe, rather than flat out asking her, just maybe say "well, I've noticed you've seemed very distant lately and was curious if you just have more going on or just don't have time to hang out and talk anymore?"

I've had friends like that, who have fallen off of the face of the earth basically due to getting super busy, or just getting on with their lives... I've had friends who I've done it to, unintentionally, I think, as well, but usually it was because both them and I was just too busy in general with life to keep up with it.

Hopefully you can get an answer-maybe it is intentional, maybe it's not :S hard to say.


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Kiseki
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23 Aug 2010, 11:28 am

Thanks, guys :) Maybe I'm being too sensitive and taking things personally. It's just that I rarely connect with people enough to care and now I feel a bit hurt.

So actually I already told her I missed chatting with her and clearly she didn't really respond to that. I guess I should just focus on something else.



dyingofpoetry
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23 Aug 2010, 11:32 am

Kiseki wrote:
dyingofpoetry wrote:
I would not flat out ask her if you are stil friends unless she also knows you have Asperger's and therefore knows that you can misread cues. I often tell those close to me that they need to clearly spell out how they feel, because I have trouble telling on my own. If I've said or done something offensive due to my unintentional Asperpergian selfishness, I always apologize.

If this isn't someone you've disclosed to and you don't wish to do so, then just keep in mind that it's quite possible that she's entered a new phase in her life in which she is much busier and has other or new social circles. Life for most people is episodic and they are able to keep in touch with some people and drift away from others. This is probably that that is happening and if so, just call from time to time, no more than once or twice a month just to chat. When she is more free and her life has settled, she may want to renew your closer friendship. Until then try to understand and make some new connections yourself.


No, she doesn't know I have AS. But she knows I am a very sensitive person and that I always speak bluntly (too bluntly). So maybe she knows SOMETHING is up with me.

Well, I really doubt that her avoidance is because she is socially busier than before. This story is longer than needs to be told here but basically me and her got too close last December. Since then she's talked to me less and less and only hung out with me once (and it was really awkward, IMO).

It's kind of a weird friendship because of the sexual tension aspect. But I'd still like an answer.


Ah, well, if it was a matter of having gotten too close at one point, then trust her enough to bring that up. Ask her if she has a problem with that and if it has damaged your abilty to be good friends again. As you are very sensitive, it would be quite hard to take if you get a harsh negative response, but in the end it is better than not knowing, and even if you can't be friends now, she willl probably repect your openness about it and you'll have her respect.


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Kiseki
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23 Aug 2010, 11:41 am

dyingofpoetry wrote:
Ah, well, if it was a matter of having gotten too close at one point, then trust her enough to bring that up. Ask her if she has a problem with that and if it has damaged your abilty to be good friends again. As you are very sensitive, it would be quite hard to take if you get a harsh negative response, but in the end it is better than not knowing, and even if you can't be friends now, she willl probably repect your openness about it and you'll have her respect.


I don't think I can do that because she is in denial about her whoile life. She doesn't speak honestly about stuff unless she is drunk.



dyingofpoetry
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23 Aug 2010, 11:42 am

Kiseki wrote:
dyingofpoetry wrote:
Ah, well, if it was a matter of having gotten too close at one point, then trust her enough to bring that up. Ask her if she has a problem with that and if it has damaged your abilty to be good friends again. As you are very sensitive, it would be quite hard to take if you get a harsh negative response, but in the end it is better than not knowing, and even if you can't be friends now, she willl probably repect your openness about it and you'll have her respect.


I don't think I can do that because she is in denial about her whoile life. She doesn't speak honestly about stuff unless she is drunk.


Hm, then may I suggest not pursuing this friendship at all? Not the best friend to have.


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Kiseki
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23 Aug 2010, 11:44 am

dyingofpoetry wrote:
Kiseki wrote:
dyingofpoetry wrote:
Ah, well, if it was a matter of having gotten too close at one point, then trust her enough to bring that up. Ask her if she has a problem with that and if it has damaged your abilty to be good friends again. As you are very sensitive, it would be quite hard to take if you get a harsh negative response, but in the end it is better than not knowing, and even if you can't be friends now, she willl probably repect your openness about it and you'll have her respect.


I don't think I can do that because she is in denial about her whoile life. She doesn't speak honestly about stuff unless she is drunk.


Hm, then may I suggest not pursuing this friendship at all? Not the best friend to have.


Yeah, that's true. But she has a really messed-up past so I can understand why she is the way she is. I just now doubt she can care about people other than herself.



anxiety25
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23 Aug 2010, 12:11 pm

Kiseki, you sound a LOT like me-that is the issue I've had for a long time breaking off being friends with this woman I mentioned in the other post. It's going on 2 years, and I tend to get frustrated with her, then analyze the heck out of WHY she is that way, and wind up excusing the behavior, essentially, then go back to talking to her.


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Kiseki
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23 Aug 2010, 12:18 pm

anxiety25 wrote:
Kiseki, you sound a LOT like me-that is the issue I've had for a long time breaking off being friends with this woman I mentioned in the other post. It's going on 2 years, and I tend to get frustrated with her, then analyze the heck out of WHY she is that way, and wind up excusing the behavior, essentially, then go back to talking to her.


Oh man, yeah. I always give people the benefit of the doubt and have this bad habit of wanting to fix them.



anxiety25
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23 Aug 2010, 12:20 pm

Kiseki wrote:
anxiety25 wrote:
Kiseki, you sound a LOT like me-that is the issue I've had for a long time breaking off being friends with this woman I mentioned in the other post. It's going on 2 years, and I tend to get frustrated with her, then analyze the heck out of WHY she is that way, and wind up excusing the behavior, essentially, then go back to talking to her.


Oh man, yeah. I always give people the benefit of the doubt and have this bad habit of wanting to fix them.


Yep, or at least hoping they will realize it and fix it themselves... I mean, I KNOW I can only do so much, but it doesn't help that I want to help them so much at the same time.


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Celoneth
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23 Aug 2010, 1:03 pm

I've had several friendships like that and I never know how to respond. They disappear then contact me out of the blue like nothing's happened. I think logically you should be able to ask, but people think it's rude for some reason.



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23 Aug 2010, 1:52 pm

I don't think it's such a good idea, to do that. I have a friend, who asks me that question, every time that I see her, and it gets to be annoying, after a while.


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Kiseki
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23 Aug 2010, 8:08 pm

CockneyRebel wrote:
I don't think it's such a good idea, to do that. I have a friend, who asks me that question, every time that I see her, and it gets to be annoying, after a while.


Why does she ask you that?

I wouldn't ask unless there was good reason to. I'm sorry, but it doesn't take very long to respond to someone's text. I think it's a bunch of crap when people say they are too busy. They just mean they're too busy for YOU.