Bad mood - why is empathetic advice for NT spouses?

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I am probably not in the best frame of mind right now - but why is it when I do an online search looking for advice about NT/AS partnerships - the articles empathize with the NT spouse - oh, the articles seem to "like" Aspies - look at all these "good points" and keep remembering them. They go on to say how the NT spouse can "cope", maybe how the AS spouse can better understand the needs of the NT spouse, what-have-you. Are there any books or articles out there that empathizes with how hard it is for someone with AS to be married to an NT - or married period? How much work "I" do in a marriage, how much "I" lay down in a marriage? Am I seeing this wrong? If so, someone please give me a reality check. I did not get into a marriage knowing I had AS - neither of us did. I went in in good faith. It is hard and I feel like I am the one where all the fault lies and I resent that my partner needs to learn how to cope with me. I'll stop here because, like I say, I am in a bad mood and I will just vent.

Any balanced books to recommend? Any wisdom?

Try "22 Things a Woman with Asperger Syndrome Wants her Partner to Know" by Rudy Simone. It's meant to explain to NTs some of the Aspie quirks and struggles and where they come from and how they can be understood, accepted, accommodated, and appreciated. It talks about a wide range of things - perseveration, routine, sensory processing and oversensitivity "stimming," androgyny/nonattachment to gender roles, introversion, control issues, honesty and straightforwardness. And it has a chapter called "She is not broken...you don't need to fix her."

I read it myself, given that I have a few Aspie-like traits (though I'm convinced I was more "social communication disorder" than "autism spectrum disorder" as a kid) and thought maybe some of it would apply to me and I could explain those things to my partner. Like all writings about Asperger's by Aspies, I personally found that the sensorimotor and repetitive behavior type stuff didn't apply, and I could probably explain the other stuff (e.g. androgyny, introversion, tact and white lies not being a first language) just fine in my own words. And since I told him about my childhood struggles to learn social skills, he's now aware that my quirks are "something like Asperger's" anyway and seems plenty supportive and understanding.

Hello Logicalmom, I understand why you feel this way, and you've got every right to feel it. No one wants to feel like a burden to their partners, they want to be an asset to them. Nobody wants to be difficult and someone to 'cope' with by default, being a good person to be married to is meant to be a choice, isn't it? When you've got a neurological difference, whether that's autism or something else, the effort you put in for other people isn't always obvious at all, so working to improve your relationship can feel like a thankless task.

I don't know of any books to recommend, and I'm not married myself but I'm in a relationship and have friends and family to 'cope' with so what I'm doing right now is to try to completely absorb myself in them and their lives, then I don't keep getting absorbed in whether or not I'm a good or bad person or whether I've got enough to offer them. It's like an escape from myself, constantly thinking of them. I'm sure you care deeply for your husband but also seem to feel inadequate and shamed for your differences.

You're not the one where all the fault lies so instead of worrying about whether you are or not, you may be able to move your thoughts away from yourself and just concentrate on him instead. You sound like you're working hard to make your marriage works because you care, and that counts for alot.

Why? Because we are the minority and therefore the ones who are f****d up.

Rudy Simone is very good. I read Aspergirls and felt like someone had given me the keys to the kingdom-- or at least a right to exist.

I haven't read the 22 Things book, but I might put in in my next book order. What BB wants for her birthday (35-- whoot!).

I can empathize with the "all the empathy is for the NT spouse" thing. I have spent a lot of years feeling very, very bad because I was something my husband would constantly have to remind himself to be tolerant of, something broken that he would have to think about all the ways it's really OK.

Something broken.

I still struggle with the idea that, because I have AS, every conflict must be my fault, I just need to give more, I just need to try harder, it is my fault and I am just failing to understand. My fault, my fault, my fault.

And then I pick up another book (usually one written before 2007) and it just reinforces the same point. I ask some ignorant professional for help, and it reinforces the same thing.

I don't know if you are right or wrong.

But I know you are not alone.

Oh, you are all awesome, thank you! It helps very much to not feel so freaking alone. Seriously.

I'm going to do my part to keep the courier companies in business with book orders - very much appreciated!

I'm always having trouble dealing with feeling like everything is my fault somehow and that was without knowing about the AS. Feeling like I'm the one doing all the work and getting so frustrated that it feels like he's having it so easy because I try so hard. Feeling like a single mother with two children with a roommate who has people over and plays video games when he's not at work... I don't know if I can get him to read any books or articles on it, but I can try and hope it helps.

Yes, getting hubby to read is one of my challenges. I have one book that he rejected because he skimmed it and saw more information about AS "husbands" (even though it was written for "spouses"). So, I am hopeful the Simone book will be more palatable for him.

I'm afraid the Pink Floyd song Wish You Were Here fits right now - two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year ...

It will get better or it won't - I'll do what I can but I am tired. My health has taken a real kicking - including a heart scare from stress.

Best to you - you, too, are not alone, LM

Sometimes i feel the same you do, i feel it is my fault.
We suffer as "videogame widows" (term i heard from my friend; when spouses play the video games an you can't talk to them they just focus on the game, it's all the video game, thus we are videogame widows).

LogicalMom, hang in there, it is hard, trust me i know. Even regular articles written for NT couples can seem confusing to me.

Love is Love. Regardless of disability or diagnosis, he should accept you for you, and be willing to learn about your diagnosis so that he is aware. Just because you have a diagnosis is no reason you are at fault.
In any marriage or relationship, there are always two people. Being there's always two, it's both that have to work together. Sometimes
in my case, it is very hard for me to describe how i feel to my partner. She is hard to read- very hard to read.
Yet my mother says my step father was the same way. There's a lot of marriage/ long term relationship questions that tend to confuse me and i honestly think they may confuse anyone NT or non-NT.
Everyone is different and reacts differently.

Please don't resent yourself or that your partner needs to learn to cope with you. It's like having any other diagnosis, even cancer (i don't like to use so drastic a one) yet when two people love eachother, they have to learn to accept what comes down the road in the future and help each other through it and stick together or if worse, part ways.
If he loves you, he should want to learn about your diagnosis.
You had your diagnosis when you both met (just unofficially diagnosed right?)
SO he met you knowing how you were, i doubt you changed when you got diagnosed. We are born like this (spectrum) it's likely he accepted you for you since the beginning. At some point during your time together you just got a diagnosis for it was all.
I hope i made sense and i wish you luck

Thank you so much, Chloe, for you generous and thoughtful reply! It certainly rings with wisdom.

My husband recently told me, in regard to how things were when we were first together, that he thought "things would smooth out." I'm almost laughing.

My wife is NT (although she is very introverted and painfully shy, so I sometimes end up having to be the one to do things like make phone calls and talk to strangers, which is often very uncomfortable for me.)
Many of the arguments we have end up having something to do with the characteristics of my ASD - my lack of organization, my need for things to not be moved, my special interests, my difficulties with her NT friends, my needs to not be disturbed at times, my need to understand the reasons behind absolutely everything (rather than just accepting that "that's how it is.") It sometimes drives her crazy that I need more sleep than she does and I can't make small talk with her friends.
At the same time, I think we actually argue a lot less than most of the NT couples we know. Part of that is that we're just really crazy about each other. But also, there are many things about which I just can't get worked up that seem to be big problems for many people. And, most importantly, I insist on proper communication. I put my need to understand the causes of everything to work by asking what's bothering her, and we talk through everything. So far, we've never gone to bed angry with each other yet.

Clear communication is the key to success for any marriage, regardless of neurodevelopmental status.