My parents are ableists... Arhhfkasdfhad!

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So they're not homophobic or sexist or racist or cissexist, but they're ableists.

And it's pissing me off.

Just because sometimes I can act normal doesn't mean I can do it all the time or I that I should. Telling me to just "put more effort into it" does not help. And now that they know and I let myself be myself they complain I'm acting or something, or it's getting worse. Never mind the fact that it might actually be worse because of stress. they just ignore that little fact unless it's convenient. I'd leave but I'd be unable to support myself and they threaten to leave me to fend for myself all the time. Which is just plain cruel to make me also worry about that.

I'm keeping this short because otherwise I would rant. I'm dragging them to my psychologist my next visit so she can knock some sense into them. But for now I just need people to relate to.

Has this happened to you (with family specifically, I actually don't have problems with friends)?

Just need to explain that ableism is ok; it's just misguided. You can overcome a lot of your issues, but it's not easy, and you need to do it right. That would probably make sense to them. It does to my parents.

My parents helped me with body language and appropriate dress and hygiene before I ever left home. If parents haven't taught their HFA child all these things (except maybe the body language, that one's tough), then they are not good parents.

FYI, I've never heard the term ableism before.

If you don't know what ableism is, how can you say it's okay? I know I can overcome my issues, but they think ONLY putting more effort will do that. They don't understand that it doesn't matter how much effort I put in. My approach is wrong so I always fail which causes anxiety. I need to be taught how to deal with stuff. They don't understand this. And when I ask for help they say I'm pretending to need help. They also think one day I'll be completely normal and that day is next week.

Ableism is discrimination against the disabled.

Haha... I know the feeling. When people say "You can do anything." everyone knows it's true, but what most people forget is that the solution "You just... do." or "Try harder." Is not always or the clearest way you accomplish anything.
Some advice would be to stray away from focusing on being "normal" and just make a subconscious and consistent effort to stay "presentable" (Bathed, teeth brushed, clean clothes, not trying to be rude, etc...).

Other than that, you act however you want.

In regards to overcoming our ocd/add/aspie habits we just need to take approach after approach after approach. To avoid the habit of trying over again without seeing any significance in the different approaches, just plan it out, tell ourselves we can do it, determine ourselves to do it, don't let yourself get snipped by setbacks, and charge on.

When it comes to your parents, I would just forget about their lack of understanding. There's no real way to make someone see something in your perspective without setting up some diabolical plan to make them live a day in your life or something.
Though I know it's really really really annoying too because it's always brought up.
Just... dance dance dance.

You could tell them you're a smartist

and then go on with how it means you're biased against stupid people, such as ableists.

I do. I have trouble with hygiene but I never smell or anything. I'm thinking of not telling them when I shower anymore and to only complain if I smell.

The problem is they don't let me act how I want. I want to be free at least inside our house, but I'm not.

Plus I have sleep problems which means I feel jet-lagged 90% of the day. I'm really awake at night but they insist I be a day person because the rest of society is. I'd rather sleep all day but have to wake up at odd hours to go places than sleep at night and feel awful all day. They won't even let me try odd sleep patterns to see if they help.

I have done something similar. When they're tired I complain they should just put a little more effort into it, etc. But they ignore me because they think their problems are "obviously" bigger.

Odd sleep patterns cause depression. Take it from a former pro at odd sleep patterns. I'd try Vitamin D and possibly a blue wave light from Amazon.com in the morning and see if it causes you to be able to sleep on a normal schedule. I currently sleep from 10:30 to 6:30, even on weekends. Before, it was more like 4:00 to whenever I had to wake up (or 2-3 pm on days when I didn't have to wake up). Sleeping through half the day made me incredibly depressed. There is something to waking up at dawn that refreshes you and gives you energy. So avoid the temptation to go on a later schedule, even if you can do so.

I've been on a bunch of vitamins and they never do anything. Edit: I've also tried: antipsychotics, ssri's, and anxiety medication at levels that knock others out. They'll knock me out the first two days and then nothing. I seem to be immune to positive effects of drugs and I only get side effects. Edit: And being off caffeine and all sorts of strange diets.

Don't live in the US anymore and importing stuff where I live is a problem.

Concerning light though, my curtains let too much light in ALL the time so I sleep even worse when I can sleep. Light doesn't seem to factor into anything. But I'm going to get them fixed. I've been considering having them off in the morning and turning them on at night (but covering my eyes once I sleep). So that it feels like my day is actually switched and i've gone to take a nice afternoon nap. Since forever when I've been on vacation my sleep cycle goes to around the times you say. Each day I want to sleep an hour later until I'm going to sleep at 4-5 am and waking at 3-4.

I've tried to get rid of all my clocks and wake up whenever I happen to wake and it's sunny, but I'll cheat and walk around until I see a clock telling me it's still 11 am and I dive back into bed. I would wake up but the amazing sleep I get at this point is just too hard to resist. Nothing bothers me and I don't toss and turn at all.

I'm considering talking to my psychiatrist about melatonin and seeing if that helps.

No, you cannot do anything. You cannot transform into a dog that pukes purple chickens.


In response to the OP, I was raised with the exact same expectations as everyone else and it has worked out well in that I have an education (graduated with honors), I work and can function socially enough to just seem "geeky" or "strange." I am neither here nor there about parents raising their autistic children with the same expectations they'd have for normie children.

My kids' neurologist says "A kid with ASD/ADD does something right once, and we hold it against them forever." What he means by this is that just because someone has done something in the past, doesn't necessarily mean they can do it again. The equation is much more complicated for people with neurodevelopmental issues, I think. You have to think of things like sensory input, capacity drain, and a whole lot of other factors. If it were simply a matter of effort, this forum would probably be pretty empty.

I think if I was an NT parent, that would be very hard for me to understand how you can do something one day and not another. I think one of the only reasons I can get it now is through personal experience. Some days I can focus on things and some days I can't. And on the days that I can't, extra effort actually seems to make it worse. I do not think that your parents are trying to be disrespectful. I think it is probably just that foreign to them. I think it is wise for you to bring them with you to your psychologist. Sometimes having someone else put it in perspective helps.

You can't do whatever you want HOWEVER you want, but the point is your life is up to you.


And in regards to sleeping, are you going outside during the day? Because if you don't get enough direct sunlight when your awake, it get's harder to sleep when your supposed to. If there's light coming into your room when your sleeping, that also screws up your sleep schedule. Don't worry about medication, there's always natural ways to solve health problems. Oh, and depending on when you wake up based on how many hours of sleep you got, that makes a huge difference.
Just remember these time periods, they aren't exact, just broad but pretty close.

0 to 3 hours will make you feel tired and perform terribly.

4 to 5 hours of sleep will make you feel awake but still perform terribly.

Anything between 6 to 7 hours will put you back on the sleepy list, but you'll perform a little bit better.

8 to 9 hours varies for people. It's always the best time to get up and perform normally, but if your not used to it, then the first week or so will be a drag out of bed. You'll be invigorated for the rest of the day though.

10 hours is invigoration and normal performace. It's great to get this much, but usually people need the extra 2 hours, so they just get up after 8 hours.

Anything more then 10 hours will take more and more energy from you. Avoid getting too much sleep, as that makes a big difference.

Plus, what you eat makes a huge difference. In the mornings you wanna avoid too much carbs, and complex proteins. Always have fruit, protein bars (It's already powdered and put into a bar, so there isn't much work for your body to digest.), granola bars, eggs, and other quick digestion foods for breakfast. A little bit of carbs are recomended though for a bit of energy until lunch, but all that should be is a couple bread slices, or burrito, or something else that leaves energy but doesn't take too much time to digest. Apples, and other fruits also rapidly increase your metabolism, which can wake you up like the dickens in the morning. If you wake up in the morning and have a steak with cornbread and mashed potatoes, that'll REALLY set you back during the day. That stuff should be saved for dinner. You won't really notice a difference until you actively try to control what you eat, and correlate that to your energy levels during the day and also how much sleep you had.

Try any of that out that you haven't tried before. All of this solved my sleep problems, and I've had some NASTY issues with sleeping in the past.

I cannot stand ableists. My whole life has been full of them. Ugh.

The only thing that helped with my parents was to tell them that I've done the research and I know more about my body and what I need than they do. And then to say that over and over again until it clicks. Most people have no idea that saying «try harder» is incredibly insensitive and belittling. belittling. Just because they're mundies doesn't mean they'll get it after the first shot.

I had to be suicidal and nearly attempt it FOUR TIMES (my meltdowns are baaad) before they paid ANY attention.

I can relate, I told my parents that they don't seem to concern with a thing called mental well being. Its really complicated just because you can do something in a good situation but you can't always when they want you to. Just so much stuff can interfere. For me it can be too much noise or social anxiety. Then you fall into depression and you don't even want to perform anymore.

I have a HUGE window by were I sit that's always open and annoys the hell out of me. I just don't seem to be that sensative to the light like other people.Everyone around me gets sleepy when it gets dark and I FINALLY wake up.

2 hours-2.5 is good for a nap for me. Which makes me wonder how long a full sleep cycle is for me. For others it's supposed to be 1.5 hours.

At night anything less than 12 hours causes me to be super super sleepy. I know it's not normal but it just is. If I wake after 8 hours like I used to for school I'm a total zombie for the next 8 hours, often resorting to short naps during classes. 10 hours = 4-5 hour zombie. 12 hours = 2 hours of zombie. Also if I do 8 hours I want to be awake for close to 18 hours which turns my day around. When I sleep 12, I'm only awake for 12. It's really weird. Also if I sleep less than four I'm super awake and hyper for approximately 4-5 hours than totally CRASH.

Edit: Forgot to add. I can't eat in the morning. I'll puke. Otherwise I have a small lunch and a bigger dinner.

Last edited by nonames on 30 Jan 2013, 12:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.