If an aspie is rude UNINTENTIONALLY should s/he be chastised

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* EDIT TO TITLE * I changed it from punished to chastised because I don't want to make people think I mean actual punishments like prison or any harsh stuff

Just wondering out of curiosity I want to hear from Adults and parents with aspie child(ren)

Parents with an aspie child(ren): When your child does or says something wrong/rude/offensive unintentionally do you discipline them for it like you would an NT child? or would you accept the fact that his/her brain prohibits him/her from understanding what is rude? What about if they do or say it to someone else in public? Will you explain the reason for it to the person?


Adults: When you say or do something rude/offensive unintentionally at work or in public, do you usually try to explain the reason for your behavior? How understanding have the people been so far that you have explained it to?

Last edited by hey_there on 03 Feb 2013, 3:49 am, edited 2 times in total.

They shouldn't be punished, they should be told why what they did is considered rude. I'm grateful for all the times in my life someone did that with me, or I would never have learned what social skills I do have.

nope, thats how you develope social anxiety

In my opinion, no, they should not be punished. To be truly rude implies intent. That is, the person being rude is choosing to be hurtful. Therefore, an Aspie 'being rude' without intent really is not rude! Instead, maybe they could be gently (and respectfully) told, in plain language, what the situation actually is.

By analogy, lets say someone who is foreign inadvertently says or does something that's a social faux pas (it happens). We'd never chastise them, but instead just explain why that's unacceptable and/or hurtful. Same thing.

Really? that's interesting.

Yeah, because you of course punish a blind person for accidentally bumping into someone in the street.

(Socially blind, visually blind; it's all blindness.)

The concept is rather ignorant but unfortunately society itself these days is rather ignorant and enjoys punishing us for no reason! As a result it hurts us emotionally and tears us up inside making us feel like no matter what we do, were doing something wrong worthy of punishment!

Yeah, that's right.

Now some/most manners are just common sense, but not always - and that's when to explain the situation to one who may not know. I'll note here too that this is a fairly simply/direct matter to deal with. But what is not is dealing with a neurotypical who is sly and manipulatively rude with the callous intention of being hurtful and rude. They can use slippery tactics - now that's rude. But that's another story.

I am a bit baffled by this question. If it is unintentional - then WHY would they need punishing? If you accidentally dropped your cell phone in the toilet... should you be punished? You didn't intend to do it but it sure is a huge blunder.

I have been chastised for being rude without me realizing I had been rude. But punished? No.

Yes, and (most) Aspies are, by nature, really conscientious and sensitive.

a lot of the reason for my hermithood is that i've been castigated repeatedly for things i didn't mean to cause offense.

I agree with other posters. He/She should be nicely told about it, but not be punished/chastised.

But the realitiy is that people take it badly and we do get a kind of punishment such as ostracism, bullying etc. That only has negative effects. Nowadays I sometimes DO intend to be rude to some people out of revenge. I know it's not a good thing, but I'm just trying to say what negative effects punishing/chastising has on people with AS, who are socially blind.

It's 'cause the person with AS looks "normal".

I think it causes just as many problems as it does negatives.

If I were being chastised I would like to know why. They better give me a good answer! haha. Still, having such a normal appearance wouldn't excuse me from my occasionally occurring autistic behavior in public.

When I do/say something wrong my parents never punish me, because if they'd do it, I would just act worse, since I'm a vengeful and spiteful person. They just tell me what is wrong and why.

The first thing I want to clarify is that rudeness is in the eye of the receiver, not in the intentions of the "doer." I determine if I perceive something as rude, not you. Rudeness is my feeling, not yours. That makes it very unfortunate when you did not mean to be rude, but that fact will not change my perception of rudeness, most likely because I cannot know your intentions. If I would have recognized it was unintentional, I would not have perceived it as rude in the first place.

As a parent, whether or not I would discipline would depend upon whether or not my kid knew better. I have two kids, neither of whom are Aspies, but both of whom share many traits with Aspies. When it is a pretty cut-and-dry social rule that they know but failed to follow, they "get in trouble." For example, my son is very aware that failing to acknowledge someone you know is rude. He knows he is supposed to respond. Usually he does, but sometimes he doesn't. When he doesn't, I wouldn't say he is "chastised" or "punished" but it is made clear to him that the expectations are that he will respond when people greet him, whether he feels like it or not, or whether he thinks it makes any sense or not. It is the rule. He is expected to follow it.

On the other hand, he often says things that are perceived as rude because he interprets things literally and always assumes people want to know "the truth." I respond differently to this because he can't necessarily generalize from what happened yesterday to what happened today because it is rare that the exact same situation presents itself twice. In cases like this, I explain to him what he did that was "wrong," why it was "wrong," the potential consequences of being "wrong," and what he could have done differently. Here is the catch that I think would throw many aspies off: he is not to argue with me, contradict me, or try to explain why he was right and I am wrong. He understands that I am telling him these things because I want him to be successful in life and he trusts that I know things that he does not know. Because of this, these conversations usually go very well and do not have an underlying feeling of contention. If he argued with me, tried to justify why he was right, or disregarded my constructive criticism, I am sure these conversations would eventually end up looking much more like "chastising" than "teaching."

I think underlying my philosophy is my belief that while many social things can be broken down to discrete, communicable rules, some cannot. When something has a clear rule that can be learned and that they are capable of following, my kids will be reprimanded in whatever way makes sense when they break it. This is not because I do not respect my kids or their neurology. It is because I want them to be independent one day and they need to be able to master as much of this social stuff as they can in order to do that. But when something does not have a clear rule, or when the rule is sometimes appropriately not followed, I do not require strict adherence because I understand that they do not process social situations naturally. They have to think their way through them in a much more concerted way than an NT would. Therefore, I feel that my role as a parent is to expose them to, and walk them through, as many of these examples as possible so that hopefully they get enough information to have hope to reason through some of it.

My kids are taught to hold themselves accountable for the way they make other people feel, whether it was intentional or not. The same as I hold myself accountable. When I make a social faux pas, I own it and if I can, I try to fix it. That is the kind of people I want us to be. We do not make excuses for our weaknesses. We do our best to overcome them.

Regarding disclosure, when my daughter does or says something, I will sometimes explain "why" to the other person. She is only 7. However, my son is 11 and I no longer share his personal information with random people that we meet, so I don't explain when it comes to him. If he wants to explain as a part of being accountable for his own behavior, I support him 100%, but I am not going to make the choice to share his diagnoses with anyone on his behalf. He is old enough to make those choices for himself. The only exception to this is that I do have conversations with his teachers because they are unable to support him appropriately if they do not know what his issues are.