Please Help. (Autism, anger, & communication disorders)

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I debated whether to add my question to the parenting forum, or put it here. After much deliberation, I've decided this was the more appropriate location. Since it is a complex thing, I'm going to give an example/story of how what I am asking about happens. My question comes down to this: Is this typical of autism, or is something else going on here?

Son says or does something he shouldn't. Maybe it is throwing something at his sister, kicking an expensive toy, or saying something deliberately hurtful. He is given a time-out, where he stands and slams his head into the wall and mutters about how we all treat him unfairly, how horrible his life is, and how someone should just kill him. We don't talk like this, we don't watch junk tv, so it's a little shocking to hear this kind of stuff come out of my son's mouth.

We might say something like, "No one is being mean to you; time-out is a consequence of your actions. We do not (throw/kick/etc.)." Thing is, this just makes him angrier. The situation becomes wholly about us/the world being against him, and not about choices he made resulting in consequences. He does not seem to be able to make the connection that he controls the outcome by changing his beahvior. Instead, we get excuses like, "My anger controls me. When I get angry, I do these things." I explain that we cannot change our feelings, but we most definitely can change how we react to those feelings. I always say, "It's not how you feel, it's what you do with it." I've said these words so many times that I feel like I'm a recording on repeat. I've tried explaining it through social stories, playing it out with stuffed animals, giving examples. In theory, he totally seems to get it - but in the moment and even after the fact (you can fire him right back up at even the slightest mention), it's like it is just lost on him.

All of this said, his father is exactly the same. If my husband does something that bothers or offends me, and I bring it up in discussion (even later, even carefully), he tells me I am the problem, and I am actually the one hurting or offending him. When I ask how, he will invariably reply with something like, "By talking to me!" He actually, genuinely, truly equates some hurtful thing he has done with my discussing it in a respectful manner.

It is easy for me to say this all seems very selfish. It is impossible to deal with either of them when they are angry, and frustrating as hell. Nothing you say, no matter how you say it, will ever work. I have to swallow so much hurt and stress that I can't even begin to describe it. Now I have a fear that, if my son doesn't change and learn to accept some responsibility for his actions, he is going to grow up a very lonely person.

My daughter and I have AS. My husband and son are autistic. I guess there is no distinction anymore, per the DSM, but whatever. Son also has an expressive-receptive speech disorder, and I strongly suspect his father has the same. Is there hope? Can anyone relate? I am at my wits end.

I have a similar issue with my youngest daughter (HFA). I explain many times logically about reasons why things are unacceptable and she's highly intelligent, but it doesn't get me anywhere. My eldest (AS) says similar things to me, that I'm so "evil" and horrible for giving a totally justified punishment such as removal of a favourite activity. Children are naturally selfish anyway, because they don't understand things the way an adult does, but there is a lot more even than that going on with autistic behaviour. Emotionally the age is never up to the chronological age, so with autistic children the type of logic you get is akin to a two year old! My two believe they haven't done anything wrong no matter how bad they've been, and I'm always the bad/wrong/mean one for punishing their bad behaviour. From what I've read, you still have to give the same discipline to autistic children as NT children, they still have to learn their boundaries - perhaps it just takes them a whole lot longer, and boy, is it hard work.

When I get into an emotional state it becomes completely overwhelming for me. It no longer is just an emotional issue. Something happens to me where there is a physical feeling that comes over me that is so completely overcoming I just want it to stop. When this feeling happens I am not a nice person... I behave in ways I usually don't. I get aggressive, Something happens to my thinking, not sure how to explain it - I have been in your sons position and husbands position more times than I can count. I feel attacked and threatened and discussing things is all BAD BAD BAD. I say things that later when thinking back I think why in the world did I say that! This ugly feeling is not good. My mother and family hates it. But on the flip side - I hate it too! It is NOT a fun feeling to experience! Or a fun way to get your brain into.. because your thinking just isn't right when this feeling comes on!... it all feels JUST AWFUL and like the real you is in the backseat and are watching just out of reach of the controls of the car!

The same feeling comes over me when I am trying to do something and that something just isn't working out like it should. Same ugly feeling, same ugly reaction by me. I do not ever swear - unless that ugly feeling comes and then swear words quite forcefully come out.

I have worked so hard to change this - but it seems to be some sort of reaction to being emotionally overwhelmed or cognitively challenged. Catastrophic thinking maybe? But how it is plain thinking I don't know because the ugly feeling that comes over me is quite ugly and all consuming and seems to just take over my thought processes and my words. I don't get violent anymore or throw things... though I could if I didn't use so much restraint.

I don't know if this is what happens to your hubby and son or not... but it sounds like it to me....

When I reread what I wrote it makes me sad... I sound like a truly horrible person.

That is an exceptionally good video, thank you for sharing it!

I'd say there is a spectrum within the spectrum when it comes to ToM. My daughter is highly empathetic, and I can be as well when I realize there is a need for empathy. I'm not necessarily intuitive enough to know when that is, and neither is she. We do very well when people verbally express a need for support, though, or if they specifically ask for us to consider their alternative point of view. My son and husband, on the other hand, tend to be exactly like the video describes. I think they truly struggle to realize there even IS another perspective, let alone make an effort to understand it. Trying to explain usually provokes anger, not understanding. My daughter and I are words people. We rely on words to understand what intuition would otherwise make obvious. Husband and son are not words people, although they get quite verbal when angry - right when you wish they wouldn't. This makes communication a painful struggle, to say the least.

It's a very complex thing, the autism spectrum. Every perspective I am fortunate enough to be introduced to is a gift of understanding.

Thanks, Chloe. It is difficult with my husband modeling a behavior I wish to nip in the bud with my son. Husband was on anxiety meds, but quit because he doesn't think he needs them. He's been an insufferable prick ever since. He blames me for all of his issues, says if he knew it was autism, he would never have gotten into a relationship. He is no longer willing to work on himself. It is sad, because by marriage and having children, he has created a life that requires him to be in it. He quit. What can I do but pick up the pieces? God knows I have enough of my own problems to fix, I can't fix him. No one is perfect, but they only suck when they quit - which he has. It hurts all of us. I mean, my dad had MAJOR issues when I was growing up. But he OWNED it, and I can accept that, and we are very close. My mother had issues, and she just blames others for all of the problems, and I hate her. I could never fogive her unless she asked forgiveness. Ownership, not the struggle, is what matters. Effort, love, trying.

I hate behavior modification therapy. It feels like dog training. I HATE it. I do not want to do that to my son. (I'm not judging others, please don't take it that way anyone, ok?) It's just not what I wanted for him. But if my husband keeps doing what he does and refuses to accept responsibility and keeps blaming me, our son will do the same, and I have no choice. I'm getting depressed writing this :/

Before we knew of autism, I felt like a bad mom. I felt like something was off, but I had no idea what or how to help. Learning about autism was a catalyst for me to improve how I interacted with my children and husband, and give them what they needed versus what the world said was correct. My husband seems to have used it as an excuse to give up. And I feel devastated.

Sorry. Just venting. I want to help all of them, and myself. I feel like I am carrying everyone. Who is carrying me? Weight of the world.