Uneven spread of support for Aspies and their NT spouses.

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Over the last month or so I have been trying to get some peer support as I have been in a protracted and difficult period of ongoing near meltdown (interspersed with a couple of periods of major meltdown). I'm recently identified as having Aspergers and my My NT wife is having a hard time to come to terms with this. She has joined a lot of support groups and receives regular feedback, offers for her to attend support meetings (both formal group and impromptu individual meet-ups) yet the best I have been able to find is one bi-monthly group. Is this common place for other areas or am I just going about it all wrong? I also do wonder about the quality of advice she is getting as she seems to take great delight in telling me that all her support people who are NT spouses of Aspies keep telling her to 'not put up with my crap' and kick me out? Im in Queensland, Australia. Does anyone know of anywhere worth going? I seem to feel more supported face to face than in an online forum.

Regards : D

I think it has to do with the types of groups that are meeting, are they self formed or part of an organization?

I know there are many NT based abuse support groups for AS marriages and they are primarily informal like book clubs. They are not really based in any type of knowledge other than sharing experiences and commiserating.

I'm not surprised because of how little "adult awareness" there is about the condition and how divided each side is. I see that so much as an ND that I'm turned off by many NT and AS perspectives when it comes to relationship strategies. There is much cruelty going around both ways.

I'm pretty sure you would have to find an organization you trust (I've been unable to do the same thing so here I am) that meets a certain level of credentials to take them seriously and feel safe with what you take away from it.

I do understand what she is saying and where she heard it since it was literally all I can find on an internet search, there are lots of angry people out there who are perpetuating anger. I certainly hope you can find something or advocate to start something positive because there are so many in need of a positive option.

Hang in there and do try and talk with her about these meetings, maybe she can help make strides in changing the standard for the NT side of the fence for the better as well.

I wish I were able to help on this. Unfortunately, I am far away from you and cannot. I assume you are seeing some kind of therapist - have they been unable to offer any suggestions?


Wow. I am gravely concerned over this part of your post. I hate to say it, as it seems so obvious to me that it's almost insulting to suggest you hadn't thought of it, but - if she continues to attend those particular "support" groups, your marriage is as good as over.

She has chosen a group of people to give her advice on how to deal with being married to an Aspie. They are, essentially, saying they are experts in this, and she is accepting this as (more or less) true. If "all" of her "experts" - whom she presumably trusts, or she would not continue to see them - are telling her to leave you, she will almost certainly do so eventually.

You need to have a talk with her and find out if she wants your marriage to continue, or if she is looking for a way out. If she wants to continue, you have to find a way to show her how harmful to that goal the advice she is getting is. I cannot give advice on how to broach this with your wife, or how to coax her away from her new friends - I would likely phrase it in a way that sounded like an ultimatum: "It's them or me!," which would certainly go badly. If you are seeing a therapist, it would be most advisable to bring this situation to his/her attention and ask their advice.

I am sorry to have been so gloomy in this post, and wish I had been able to give more concrete advice.

I sincerely hope you find appropriate support for both of you.

First off for any family member of anyone who is diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum, or even with mental health and other disorders there are a ton of various different support groups for people to attend to learn. Especially in the USA.
It sounds like your wife was trying to learn about your condition going to all the support meetings and groups, that does show she cares and is concerned and willing to learn about your Aspergers.

Usually support groups are supportive and not so rude or mean as to say to someone to "kick out" or "put up with crap" of their significant other. If this is happening, it's not good, maybe it's one person that is saying those things to your wife?

You can always invite your wife to this site, it might help her as she really seems to want to learn more about Aspergers.

You and your wife were married prior to the diagnosis. Nothing likely probably really changed aside from you getting a diagnosis.
So all they did was put a label on you. Your wife likely married you for who you are

I would like to think so.... I have pointed that out to her, but for some part I have been 'acting' NT so she does feel cheated...

From what you have said about her attending support groups (very important, shows she cares and is interested in learning about AS and how to help you and about AS) and that she married ya prior to the diagnosis i think you both will be fine.

Just be yourself pretend you don't have a diagnosis. She married you for you, the only thing different is that you got a label. So if you pretend you were never labeled maybe it will help. Before and after the diagnosis, you'd always have had the signs for AS anyhow and she likely loves you for who you are.

Wives are usually very quick (especially my NT one) if i were to try and act NT she'd think something was wrong with me =)

Also while support groups are a very good thing and all, she might not need to go to a ton of them (unless she wants to) and focus on only going to one that deals with Autism/Aspergers the spectrum only.

Support groups, really are supposed to be supportive of both the person with the "disorder" and the family attending. Make sure she's going to the correct support. Also maybe a support group for Adult individuals with Aspergers might be best for her or you, if they have one you can attend together? That could cut out the need for all the other groups.

Just be yourself and you'll be fine. We're born this way. She married you since she love you for you.

My support group is bigger than your support group
Aspie support meetings and sites like this
told me to not take any crap from NT's.... kick them out....

Reminds of some mens groups
that whined all night about their wives
Ditto for womens support
wh***y whining about blackie
Xtians vrs Mosslims

makes you embarrassed to be a human being

I can honestly say Ive felt this condition before. For me though, it isnt from support groups that are attended to, its reading materials. Ive had the use of David Finch's book thrown in my face a variety of times. To the extent of "Well in here it says YOU have to change, and YOU have to conform, and I dont have to do anything but give YOU the space that YOU need to fix this on YOUR own. "

Its extremely frustrating to experience this.

I can only imagine that if a support group were the source, it would be equally frustrating.

Honestly the whole situation seems totally one-sided, and who ever is running that support group to let others in the group think that way, walking from it, should be reprimanded. They arent creating a climate conducive to a proper relationship.

..... ditto...

One thing I might point out though - I haven't actually SEEN the evidence of this being said to her, so it might just be some big emotional acting up on her part.. or her way of trying to reinforce what she has said during some very emotional outburst, saying that she doesn't actually want to be in a relationship with an Aspie. I might have to face the fact that for our whole lives together she has been trying to change me into something I'm not and it is totally possible that she has held onto the hope that one day she would succeed, and in getting a diagnosis she is coming to the realisation that I am the way I am and thus she is not going to have the man she wants...

It sounds like your wife ran into a band of CADD (Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder) that is essentially a diagnosis someone made up that validates partners of people with AS for viewing living with an AS partner as inherently abusive.

http://autisticbfh.blogspot.com/2008/09 ... -scam.html

I get what your saying
does she mention that this autistic rage is due
to be bullied through school, the workplace and at home?

That chimpanzee mind syndrome is prevalent amongst neurotypical reaction to autistic expression??

And is not so much authentic to autism
But rather the way it is managed by current policies?

Yeah.

Look... bring your wife over here. Let us talk to her. There are plenty of people here who are in successful, happy NT/AS marriages, and they know the doom-and-gloom Cassandra crap is nowhere near the truth. The truth is: You speak two different languages. You learn to communicate, you learn to accept and treasure each others' differences, and you'll be fine. Autism does not change your ability to care about others, and being neurotypical does not mean you can't relate to an autistic person.

She doesn't have to take this. She doesn't have to listen to people bashing her husband for no good reason and she shouldn't have to be told that the marriage is doomed and there's nothing she can do about it. She's not helpless and neither are you. I think you should both get together and take this on as a team. That's what married people do--take on the world together. And in my experience, there's very little that can stand against them.

She does lurk here on this site - i might just point her in the direction of this post