Feeling bad about my special interest

Post Reply New Topic

A little background info: My special interest is Johnny Depp movies. Many members of this site might remember the sheer number of threads and posts I have posted since 2011 detailing my attempts to try and separate myself from this special interest. Recently I have had an epiphany as to why I have wanted to have a different special interest. Read on...

Although I spent a lot of time complaining that "I'm not obsessed with Johnny Depp movies anymore even though I want to be", I'm quickly beginning to see that I've had it backwards this whole time; what I've actually been feeling is, "I'm obsessed with Johnny Depp movies, but I really wish I wasn't". Everything related to special interests that I've been thinking, feeling, doing and saying over these past couple of years suddenly makes sense when I look at it from that perspective. It all boils down to, "I have negative feelings inside that are tied to Johnny Depp movies. I don't want to feel bad anymore so I want to have a new special interest".

I know what you're thinking: "Why would anyone want to deny themselves their special interest?" Well, back in late 2010 or in 2011, I was really mean to two other Johnny Depp fans on WrongPlanet for different reasons. I was mean to one of them because I thought she was copying me by using Johnny Depp avatars (which I now know was very paranoid and egotistical of me), and I was mean to the other one for a completely unrelated (but even more uncalled for) reason. I felt horribly for the way I behaved and sought their apologies. Although I did receive their forgiveness, I knew I had broken their trust and destroyed any chance of being friends with them. One of them was already an acquaintance who shared her fanfiction with me and encouraged me to try her other special interest, a movie unrelated to Johnny Depp. I really miss talking to her and enjoying the interests that she shared with me, and I wish that we could have grown closer instead of further apart. I even had a dream the other night that she came to visit me and we watched her special interest movies together.

Ever since I was mean to those two innocent women, I haven't been able to shake the feeling that, if Johnny Depp knew the way I treated his other fans, he'd be beyond disappointed in my behavior. Every single time I look at Johnny Depp or think about him, I think of the way I treated his other fans and I feel horrible. I have never been able to bring myself to watch the movies that my acquaintance shared with me, because I know how much she loved them and I have no right to enjoy them because of the way I treated her. I had absolutely no reason to behave the way I did towards those women; I was a bully. I had turned into the same kind of monster that had tortured me when I was in school. Wounds from bullying don't heal easily, I know from experience, and knowing how badly I had hurt those two women just makes me feel like the scum of the earth. I have talked about this with my mom and brother (my two closest confidants), and they both say that I need to forgive myself and move on. But how can I forgive myself if I can't even justify what I did? How can I start enjoying my movies again without being reminded of my horrible behavior?

just remember that johnny depp has feet of clay, IOW he is merely mortal and not a demigod. try not to put mere mortals upon a pedestal.

Is it possible that these two other women no longer ever even think about what happened? I don't mean that as if you were insignificant to them. But more it is possible that what you did, did not hold the same level of meaning to them, so when they forgave you, they simply forgave you.

You should probably just forgive you, too.

Maybe the best way to both forgive yourself and not feel guilty about your obsession is to actively seek out other JD fans -- perhaps on a fandom website -- and go out of your way to connect with and appreciate them. Make another JD fan smile and feel good about sharing their interest with you! You may find it difficult to forgive yourself for past misdeeds, but a good way to counter that feeling is to outweigh the bad with the good. It's worth a shot!

On the one hand, if you are really concerned about them, then don't be. They are almost certainly over it, and you are probably overestimating the impact of your words on them.

On the other hand, you are probably torturing yourself with your guilt. I know all too well that it is one thing to recognize your error, but another thing to actually forgive yourself over it. I still feel guilty about stuff I did as a kid (30 years ago) and it still bothers me. It is not really about them, it is probably about you failing yourself. You don't want to associate your past behaviour with who you want to be. I wish I had some magic words for you, but I will always feel shame over my bad behaviour, and I know it. I thought I was better than that. I hope you manage to forgive yourself like I never could.

Thanks for the advice everyone, I really appreciate it.

auntblabby is right, I do put my idol on a pedestal. I tend to become so starstruck by JD that it's easy to forget that he's just a regular person who happens to be good at acting. I seriously need to stop thinking of him as, as auntblabby put it, a "demigod". As a human being, there's no way JD can live up to the impossibly high standards I have set for him. Besides, I don't want to become one of those fans whose obsession with a celebrity becomes unhealthy to the point that other people think they are "crazy" (although, it may already be too late for that...)

I also agree with BlackSabre7, about my guilt being more about having failed myself than about anything else, and not wanting to associate what I did with who I want to be. I think it ties into the fact that I am a perfectionist who sees the world in black and white (figuratively speaking). I always want myself to be the "perfect good guy". Maybe I should take the motto of Bad Anon from Wreck-It Ralph to heart: "I'm bad, and that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be then me." Just substitute "good" and "bad" with "perfect" and "imperfect" and it works! *goes to write it down and pin it on my wall*