Communication difficulties with partner?

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This is about interpretation problems in conversation with your partner.

So, I was chatting with my girlfriend and we can have a joke sometimes and it's fine. Sometimes, though, she comes out very randomly without even knowing why with these silly statements as a joke, but in a very serious way... and I don't know how to react. My girlfriend doesn't quite understand that someone with AS or AS tendencies has trouble with interpreting things. She joked about wanting an open relationship and she got annoyed at me for getting confused and asking why she even thought of joking about that in the first place. She got annoyed at me and accused me of constantly needing justification about things and that she thinks I probably don't trust her. Then I get a bit upset and she gets annoyed about me going quiet and not telling her how I'm feeling/thinking... because I don't know how to put things into words. I tried explaining to her later that I have problems interpreting things people say sometimes and that I will occasionally need some kind of clarity. She just tells me she's worried this will happen in the future face to face and I won't be able to communicate to her that way. And now she's not even talking to me at all. I feel bad, but I feel angry too. I keep trying to explain to her I can't help it and that I DO trust her.

Has anyone else had these problems before and what do you do/say to make it better?

We talk it through. Admittedly, it may be a little easier for us as we're both on the spectrum, but talking about things is the key I think.

You may want to speak to her about processing. If me and my other half have a disagreement, I tend to shut down as well while my brain frantically tries to work things out. This is due to my brain having trouble processing all the info. We have worked through this now though, and as she knows what's going on, it doesn't upset her nearly as much (I'm a fair bit higher on the spectrum than she is).

Talking and understanding are the way ahead- but DO have that conversation when everybody is nice and calm, not in the middle of the argument. That soooo doesn't work. Been there....

My husband is constantly being "humorous" (I don't find it funny) in a deadpan way. He will come out with statements, and I will take it seriously and ask why whatever he says is so, or say it's not true or say that it's ridiculous. He will then reply "I was joking!" and I just find it irritating. He says everyone else gets his humour. Like he was at work and he was on the phone to me and he started saying in a serious voice, something less than nice about a member of staff who was alongside him. I said "Don't say that! He will think you mean it!" and he said that this member of staff knows he's joking.

I can understand jokes that are obvious, but TBH I find 'school boy humour' funny, which even my children moan at me about. Complex jokes I can't get at all (even had an incidence of an Aspie friend telling me a joke that I didn't get, and even after he explained it I didn't get it). In fact, a lot of the time a joke can be explained to me and I still don't get it. People find that annoying, because their joke loses impetus and misses it's impact.

I used to be constantly told I was gullible when I was younger and my siblings would deliberately tell me things that weren't true because they enjoyed seeing my innocent reply when I believed it.

Going back to my husband, I can't see why he uses this 'humour' with me because the end result is the same 99% of the time. I can have a really good laugh, and can make my own humour, which is often found amusing by others, I just find it very hard to get the humour of other people. It doesn't help that often humour involves subtle body language or facial expressions or tones of voice, because if you don't notice those and the joke hinges on it, you are lost.

If your GF knows that you find humour difficult, she will have to accept that and not have unrealistic expectations of you, she will have to work out that she has to take your lack of understanding at face value and not read things into it that aren't there.

What I don't understand either is that she acts like it's my fault, despite saying she doesn't blame me. I think she needs to realise the problem doesn't solely lie with me. This same sort of problem happened recently and after a day or two she actually apologised for, as she put it, "being an arse". I hope she calms down soon and realises my side of the story.

I think NTs just think too differently and can't get the way an Aspie thinks or behaves. My husband claims to understand why I am the way I am because I've got AS but then he will blame me unfairly for things that are just differences (not necessarily wrongs) which are because of my AS.

We're in a long distance relationship and she's coming to live here to be with me soon. So we have these issues over skype or whatever and she meant face to face as in she worries there'll be these same issues when we're physically in the same room together.

Bump.

Would she at the very least be willing to do some reading?

The retrospective advice I have for you, is go to couples counseling very early and make it a habit for "maintenance." What might be a "little problem" now can be overcome or remain "little" if it is dealt with - I am concerned with the idea that she is angry enough not to talk to you right now and that you also feel angry. Yes, relationships can have "tiffs", but you are talking about a more serious commitment where you will be in close proximity most of the time. This is more than a "tiff", this involves both of you managing some very real differences. I hope the best for the two of you, and I hope you set yourselves up for a good start by having the guidance of an AS experienced therapist to help you set up a healthy way to communicate and support each others needs over the long term. My two bits from someone on the other end of "leaving things."

LM

A few things to say here:

1) Drey, it is not always that simple. Family doesn't always mean support structure. My wife and I started out extremely long distance, but neither of us have the most responsible or supportive family. In fact, the last straw in my relationship with my parents was the fact that they treated me more like s*** than ever after my then fiance moving on faith across the country to be with someone who she feels makes her life better. Furthermore, my wife alone is more real support structure than my whole damn family. I she is sometimes almost one part social worker. =\

2) This is something that needs to be dealt with. Coming from a marriage that was once long distance and is only half aspie, I went through a lot of the same things. At least you have the first step: understanding that there is a reason for these things. My wife and I went through a long stage in which we didn't know I had aspergers. That was the worse stage. My advice to help you to help her to understand that she has to be patient and accommodating with certain areas is to try explaining to her how much you have to alter your natural behavior to deal with the NT world. Acknowledge the fact that it does take patience and that it isn't always going to be easy, but try to get her to understand that that is how your whole life is.

3) If you want to learn to better catch and comprehend unusual types of humor, I recommend marathoning long running sitcoms with unusual humor. Sit down and go through the entirety of The Office and Parks and Rec with as few breaks as possible. Inundate yourself within their worlds of very particular humor.