How to go about starting conversations.

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How do you go about starting a conversation properly?

I tried small talk...only have two lines 'How are you' and 'Nice sunny day today isn't it'. However the conversation never goes any further than them giving me a one line answer and that is it.

I tried social chit chat but my brain is empty of such things most of the time (unless I find something amusing and want to make a humorous comment about it) so I tend to just let them talk and stand there and smile and nod a lot (hopefully in the right places...I just intermittently throw one in just to let them know I am listening otherwise they think I am being rude) but don't often contribute anything.

I tried talking about my opinion on things...this backfires, everyone thinks I am whining or just want to talk about myself again when actually I am sick of talking about me as such (I am not that fascinating) and would like to talk about something else but just either don't know what to talk about or how to go about starting a conversation on it.

I have tried talking about my hobbies but I just get told to shut up.

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So I am stuck.

Any suggestions on how to go about starting a conversation and what I am supposed to talk about please?

I also have trouble keeping a conversation going, especially if it goes onto a subject I have no interest in.

Is there something I have not tried yet?

You have not tried talking with people who have a similar communication style, I would guess. I have most of the issues you describe, but not when I find myself chatting with a like-minded person. There aren't many of them unfortunately. But with such people, it really doesn't matter how the conversation starts, it somehow easily progresses to more interesting stuff. I know that's not very helpful when it comes to starting a conversation with the majority of people.

In terms of "how are you?", if it's someone I know who I haven't seen for at least a few days, I try to ask them about what they have been up to, e.g. What did they do over the weekend, or how was that movie they said they were going to see. It's small talk but it's something.

In terms of bringing up your opinion, have you tried doing that but then asking the other person what they think? That makes it sound more like an interesting discussion and less like you are just complaining or venting or something. As an add-on to that, people like to feel useful so if you start a conversation asking for their help or opinion, that tends to work fairly well.

Hi thank you for the reply.

I have tried seeking out like minded people but they are indeed very hard to find. I have found a few in the past but the friendships did not last as I did not have the social energy I needed to be able to maintain them. Socialising tires me so I can only do it in short bursts for short periods of time. This upsets most people especially if I want to go and do something else for a while to recharge my energy levels again.

Perhaps I need a like minded person who is also an introvert.

I have tried asking for advice and it ends in disaster for various reasons. Maybe I am doing something wrong there as if they give me advice I have tried or which did not work I say so. Perhaps I should not and should just smile and nod or something. It is just that that does not feel honest.

Should I smile, nod and then try to move the conversation on to something else?

I did try that too actually but then they wonder why I have suddenly digressed or gone off on a tangent or think I have not listened to them. So that then forces me to say what I am thinking and all hell breaks loose.

Should I lie to them?

It feels most uncomfortable to do so but is that what I should be doing?

I don't know if my opinion here is going to be very popular, but yes, I think if your goal is to stay on the good side of other people and have more "successful" conversations, you do need to lie a bit. White lies.

So as I said, people like to feel useful. If you ask for their advice then essentially tell them they are wrong, it's not going to go well - they no longer feel useful, so they will feel disinclined to help again in the future, or even to continue the current conversation. But an alternative is to ask more questions, rather than simply calling them out on something. So if they offer advise and you don't think it will work, there must be a reason, so ask them about that. For example "Okay, thanks for that. Do you think that in this case [X might not work because X], though?".

There are two good NT ways to keep a conversation going. One is to make sure there is a question or some sort of prompt in each of your replies that encourages another response from them.

The other is to enthusiastically agree with whatever they are saying, and use lots of words and paraphrasing of what they just said. They will feel all warm and fuzzy and think you have a great rapport going, and will probably keep talking. E.g. "Why did Kathy want us to do this? It's ridiculous." "Oh yeah, I can't believe she thought this would be a good idea. What's so good about it? It's stupid, isn't it?". That's a pretty extreme example but the second person really hasn't added anything interesting to the conversation and yet the first person will probably reply with something similar again, and really feel like you are on the same wavelength. Personally, I never do this but I have seen it work wonders among others many a time. Mostly females, by the way.

Wait, can we apply this to total strangers?

Which part, the thoughtless agreeing part? Sure. You see these interactions between strangers all the time - on the train, in the supermarket queue...the common theme is that nobody disagrees with each other's point of view.

You can I think as I have done a few times.

For example: I was plumbing in my washing machine and I needed help to lift it (was not strong enough to lift it myself) so asked a neighbour to help. He was happy to help but also assumed I did not know how to plumb in the machine as well. Ergo he plumbed it in for me whilst giving me instructions on how to do so myself if I needed them in the future.

I let him carry on in that instance as it saved me from plumbing the machine in myself and seemed harmless enough.

It didn't really lead to anything further though...well it did because he invited me around for a chat at his place on another night and I accepted thinking he was just being friendly, which in the most part I think he was. However he did ask me to have sex with him and I declined and well that was the end of that.

What concerns me is if you have to tell lies for other types of advice where it doesn't stop at just getting your washing machine plumbed in. Ie Using an example (and I am aware I am now making the same mistake as I have always made...once again) is if I ask for advice on how to make friends for example and then do what I did above with the washing machine instance do I end up having to make up a whole load of other lies as well.

Do I have to pretend the advice worked when it didn't because I don't want to upset them and make believe I made friends when I did not. Do I then need to create entire histories for these imaginary friends and pretend I went out with them when I didn't?

How far do you need to take the lie? One lie usually begets another one and so on until before you know it your whole life is one big lie and yet the original problem still exists...in reality you are no better off than when you asked for the advice in the first place and now you cannot ask for further advice because everyone thinks the problem is resolved when it is not.

Or do I have to be manipulative and lead them...which I cannot do anyway if do not know the answers myself. Sometimes all I know is what does not work because I have tried it and failed with it multiple times.

If I do know the answer I can lead them by asking them questions in such a manner that I am actually telling them what the answer is or directing them towards it until they reach said answer and believe that it was really their suggestion when it was not (I was already leading them there).

However, if I actually do want genuine advice that is not going to work because I do not know the answer and do not have said answer to lead them to.

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It is very difficult when it comes to asking advice for anything because peoples egos are so very very fragile.

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If on the other hand you don't need genuine advice, yes it can work, but won't guarantee that a friendship will for as a result. However that was not my question in the thread and I have not mentioned friendship, only how to start a conversation, so yes but you might have to be wary about where it can lead you if you use it.

Also I have found that if you ask for advice for things you know the answer to and you do develop any on going relations with the person you tend to get stuck having to pretend you don't know things when you do. So you have to pretend to be what you are not or make out that you don't understand something when you do understand it and so on.

It can work but comes at a price you have to be willing to pay.

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Those are just my thoughts on it. I'd forgotten about the washing machine incidence until the poster above reminded me.

I really do wish I didn't have to lie or be fake in order to socialise, but its looking like there is little alternative unless I want to live the life of a hermit for all eternity.

I listen in to other people's conversations, and chip in, or make a comment on the weather, or something that's going on. I also read. People will often ask about what I'm reading. Most nonfiction will start a conversation.

Yeah bumble I was only referring to starting or maintaining conversations, not building friendships. That's a whole other thing, as you know! With the advice/help thing, I'd try not to say something worked if it didn't. Instead I'd try to use it as a talking point, like mention that it didn't work and ask why they think that might be.

Indeed yes, I did not mention forming friendships in my question.

So something like: I have tried that but unfortunately it did not work, do you have any idea why?

What if they keep sidetracking by focusing on something that is not the actual problem instead of giving you advice for the problem itself?

How do I steer them back to the actual issue without offending them?

That sounds fine, and it sounds like even if they are sidetracking, there's still a conversation going on so it's not all bad. Trying to get people to understand what you are really asking can be pretty tricky sometimes! I usually give up fairly quickly.

Hmmm...so maybe it could work if you say something like "Alright, thanks for all your help. Form what you said it sounds like I have to ..., but I'm still not sure how I'm supposed to ... ?"

Ask questions.

Ask them almost anything and you'll figure out what they're interested in, and then ask them questions about that & they'll talk and things go from there.

Could start with almost any question about almost any thing, ie:

Q: So, what do you think about the <local football team>'s last game?
A: Nothing really, I'm not into footie.

This is where you'd typically stop your flow of conversation after their short answer to your opening questions of "how are you?" or "nice weather, isn't it." Instead of letting it stop, ask another question that shows you intently listened to their response to your first question.

Q: Oh, so if not football, what sport do you follow?
A: None, really.

This is where you'd probably stop again after a short response. (This person might not be interested in talking, or talking to you, or talking at all - who knows? But if they haven't been rude and don't seem put off, just concise, try again.)

Q: Sports aren't your thing then.. so, what is?
A: I'm really into __________.

Then ask them something about _________ it is they're actually interested in and they'll start talking about it. Ask them more about it, or other things. Then they might switch things up and ask you what you're interests are. Heck, you could end up talking about Saturdays because it's Saturday that day - and you might spend every Saturday in a local park painting pictures, and maybe they spend every Saturday having tea with their grandmother and then going to dance class. Now from talking about Saturdays for no other reason than it being Saturday, you've got another 4 or 5 different things you could chat about together.

I know you don't care for idle chatter, but sometimes it's about the social interaction process and not the topic of discussion. Sometimes it just feels good to talk back and forth with another good natured soul and that's it. It doesn't matter what their education level is, or what the topic is, or if you're learning anything useful from the topic.. because you're learning something useful from the process. It's about the journey, not the destination.