Taken by surprise - Doctor referring me

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Hey, found this site during a heavy week of research.

I'm in my 40s, and have always been a little bit "odd" compared to other people. Recently I finally got the courage to visit my GP after many years of thinking that I may have some mental health issue.

After a chat, and a while for him to think, he came back to me saying he would be referring me to a Asperger's and Autism specialist.

This took me by surprise. I'd looked at it in the past, but rejected it at the time (to be fair, I didn't research that well )

Since the call, I've researched and read a far bit about the condition. I'm totally confused as to whether I may exist more in the "spectrum" or not. My online tests suggest I'm heading that way

AQ 34
EQ 18
SQ 44

Your Aspie score: 118 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 74 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

So the point of this first post is, well I don't know how long the referral will take, and I'm obsessively thinking about the possibility that I'm not "NT". And I'm obsessively googling, and thinking about my past. So in a way this is a focusing of that obsession, and so that I can get some feedback whilst I wait for something to happen. It is very distracting, I just couldn't concentrate on work! lol

FWIW, these are my "issues" (summarised)

I find it hard to maintain eye contact, especially when trying to explain hard to grasp concepts and ideas.
Bullied at school.
I have few friends. I've lost friends over the years, from misunderstandings, arguments and neglect. I do think I find it hard to get a "read" on people sometimes, but not everyone I meet.
I plan conversations in advance, and I do not like initiating conversations with strangers.
I forget people quickly.
I get confused by mulitple threads in conversations.
I can often take a while to work out the seriousness of some ones statements (joking?)
I hate people eating/drinking loudly, makes me want to force feed what ever it is they are eating. Similar with sniffing, coughing.
I dislike crowds. Add noise and I can freak out.
I can loose my temper and throw things about and/or hit myself when I get overly frustrated with something (or someone that I can't explain something to because I trip over my words).
I can often enter periods of self pitying depression (often after a temper tantrum or argument).
I dislike change in work regimes, like having to move desk or work on site for extended periods of time (but then who does?).
I dislike ambiguous deadlines (tell me when and where so I can plan!).
I often feel clumsy and uncoordinated.
I seem to have a morality that differs from other people I know (I would never "pirate" a movie/game/TV show for instance).
I occasionally enter a kind of "do not disturb" mode, where any interruption can make me agitated.

I expect I've missed stuff. Nevermind, I'm sure what ever therapist I get to see (when!? ) will bring stuff out.

I'm not going asset that I have Asperger's (or something else like ADHD) until I can get that formal diagnosis. It would be really easy to say "I have it", just so I can label it and make it part of my identity. That would be wrong, and maybe even disrespectful to some degree.

Still, any supporting advice or experiences would be welcome whilst I wait. Thanks for taking the time to read

I'm in a similar situation right now, and share quite a few of your symptoms.

The only advice I can offer, whatever you're diagnosed with, whether it's asperger, subclinical autism, or something else, it's just a part of yourself, don't try to fight it. Except for depression. That's something you can definitely get rid of, it's not an integral part of yourself, your life or your personality. It's a condition that can be cured, plain and simple.

The possibility of AS came as a bit of a shock to me about 6 months ago. I started obsessively researching everything about the topic and lurked around the various forums getting to the stage where I wondered more how I would cope with being told I hadn't got AS rather than getting a diagnosis. However, I did get a positive diagnosis and I feel some sort of closure. It explains so much about my life and I feel more comfortable about who I am. At the end of the day, I am the same person. I am lucky that I am not badly affected and I do not consider that it disables me in any way other than not being able to maintain friendships. I am not ready to actually tell anyone yet though. I did not feel able to join this forum, or any other, until I was 'official'. Let us know how you get on.

Ha, know that feel as well. It just would explain so much that I'd probably be rather confusing if it doesn't turn out to be Asperger or subclinical Autism....plus, of all the possibilities, it's probably the least uncomfortable diagnosis. Nobody would like to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, sociopathy or something. Not that I'd seriously expect any of these, but fear isn't always rational.
That's why I'm looking forward to getting the diagnosis done asap.

Agreed, effectively this comes down to "Was I born like this" or "Have I developed it"? Being I can't remember much about my childhood, I'm leaning towards the latter. But that does mean I've developed forms of ADHD, Social Phobia and Misophonia (and god knows what else ).

In the meantime read this book, then chances are you'll know for sure or not.. as not only are almost all of the outward quirks and personality traits listed, but detailed descriptions of the inward thinking styles and traits as Dr. Attwood has compiled over a career of discussing them with AS patients, as well as descriptions from diagnosed people. When you read these descriptions of internal thought processes, only you will realize whether you do them or not, and if you do - they're not NT and chances are extremely probable that you're on the autism spectrum.

And if so, whoopee, it's nothing to fear or be upset about. It is what it is, you are who you are, and you can't change it.. but you can learn about it and learn to adapt and cope better than you ever have in your life once you become self aware of all the traits you have & personify, as then you'll be able to work on improving the ones that don't serve you in social situations or life and things can begin to make more sense.

And if not, well you'll have eliminated AS as a possible diagnosis - which is one step closer to figuring yourself out and learning about yourself just as well as confirming as diagnosis would be, so a win-win either way.

Well, I've learnt a lot more about Autism (not that I was ignorant of it to start with that is), so a win no matter what.

Book ordered, thanks for the tip

[Self documentation incoming, I need to get some of this stuff out of my system and this is probably a good place to do so]

A problem I'm having whilst I wait for this whole process to start, is that I'm putting way to much analysis into everything I do. Every conversation and action I do, I analyse, probably way to much. But it is interesting looking at such things in a different light.

For instance when I did the online tests, when asked about liking to watch shiny or spinning things I answered NO. But then the other day I caught myself tracing the motion of a progress animation with my mouse. Like I was fascinated by the repetitive motion.

Yesterday I read about Stimming. When I first started reading up on this, I assumed I didn't do it. I mean I don't rock back and forth all the time (though I will admit that after raging and losing my temper I think that I WANT to do so, but dismiss doing it as that would make me look "crazy").

But then yesterday I read that stimming can be other repetitive actions that just rocking. I'm always tapping my feet or fingers to music in my head (and I think the music joins the tapping, not the other way round. Shall ponder that one). Rubbing my head, biting my lower lip, rocking back and forth in a chair that reclines in such a manner. And its all the time, every time I become idle, something starts moving in a repetitive manner. Sometimes I get lost in the rythym of motion and the music in my head, and drift of in a day dream like state. I play piano, and sometimes the finger tapping will correlate to something I play, or imagine that I might play (in that my finger will trace imaginary keys). I've been told many times (especially by my mother) to "STOP TAPPING"

None of this is evidence of course that I have anything more than just a lot of nervous energy that translates into motion.

However perhaps more enlightening, is a few weeks ago (before I went to the docs in the first place), I was working on a bit of code that I just couldn't work. I was getting frustrated and a bit sweary (always dangerous in a work environment), and everytime things took a turn for the worse I'd flap my hands and arms. Usually I wouldn't think anything of it, but a colleague laughed at me, I looked up and glared at him, and he said "sorry, but your flapping of arms when you get annoyed is quite amusing".

And then in the last hour or so, I realised that whilst I have no recollection of rocking like stims when I was a child, I did suck my thumb way into secondary school (though I knew not to do so in public). I was resistant to being stopped, and I distinctly remember doing it because I ENJOYED it. It gave me bucked teeth, which is why it had to stop.

Again, regardless of the outcome, this is becoming a very interesting journey indeed!