Does part of you feel like a fake?

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I'm high functioning AS, but was in deep denial for a very long time, as my family are (still). It was only when two different, and knowledgeable, people I trust pointed certain things out in the kindest possible way after I'd had some workplace trouble that I sought to find out more about this condition. I read loads and books and websites and thought that I fit quite a few of the traits.

I took all the online tests and was surprised to score so highly. I took all the evidence along to my GP, and was surprised at how easy it was to get a referral and get diagnosed.

Despite logic telling me that my own behaviour fits the descriptions in the books, and certain behaviours were quite severe when I was a small child (repetitive rocking, headbanging etc.), the irrational part of me still wants to deny the evidence and it's like having a Jiminy Cricket style conscience talking in my ear telling me not to lay it on thick. Which I don't. At least not on purpose.

Does anyone else feel this way even though logic is telling them otherwise?

I was in denial when I read the symptoms but after more thought was put into it, I released that I do fit most of the symptoms. Example: I had no idea I lack eye contact till I read the symptoms and I started observing myself. I noticed that I do. Get my idea?

I am incredibly self-conscious, and when the people around me disregard or question my AS (under the assumption that realizing it at 24 means I didn't have it before? I'm not sure how they think) I begin to question myself and have my doubts. When it comes down to it, I know myself better than anyone else, and if they don't believe me, its probably because they aren't me and can't feel/think/live the way I do.

I'm still trying to figure out how to get my friends and family to understand that I didn't just decide that I have an autism spectrum disorder, and that the facts are present that its been a part of me my entire life whether I let people see it or not (in relation to your question, I felt like a "fake" every day that I forced myself to try to fit in with the NT world just to survive - and was frequently referred to as such by my peers - what I experience now is just self-doubt based on external opinions.)

Yeah, same goes here, but I've known about since I was in 4th grade, so longer than that. It's embarrassing to bring up with NT's, since they can't ever get what it's like, I think? Yeah, somethin` like that.

Yes, but not as much anymore. I wonder if it's common when there's a lack of (ASD) peers around us, since our perception is never truly an objective sense.

I feel fake all the time.

One of the hardest things is to accept it. Its very hard and take a very long time. I know it did for me.

Its funny how the mind can play tricks on itself, that if you dont think about it, maybe it will go away. sadly it does not.

I feel like a fake all day, every day, and especially any time I out in public.

And?? So what?? I am a fake all day, every day. I stick to scripted, stilted behavior. I teach, preach, and espouse a value system I don't believe in. I say things that aren't true because I know they are appropriate.

Every time I speak to another human being, I try very hard to act out the appropriate script.

Of course I feel like a fake.

I am a fake.

Being an acceptable fake is pretty much the definition of learning to cope with an ASD.

I've been reading lots of studies that talk about the disappearance of autistic traits over time...one that is noted a lot says that 20% of people on the spectrum diagnosed as kids would not meet the criteria as adults. With people I know on the spectrum, many of them bring up the fact that they were more profoundly affected by ASD as a child...I know this was definitely the case for me too. OP - I think that this is what has happened to you, in that your ASD symptoms have decreased over time and that you aren't as profoundly affected.

To answer the main question...yes. I've developed a "social self" for people I meet who don't know me well. Only certain people get to see my inner self.

Yes, this feeling of fakeness and my personality as people knew it being largely an acting construct has been with me for many years. It has been one of a number of worrys which felt silly to say aloud so I would not even bring it up with my wife and just told myself I was imagining things. I have been doing it for so long I think its quite a robust defence mechanism allowing me to appear more or less normal in short bursts. However, it is so ingrained in me to keep the mask on that I find the idea of actually being myself around anyone quite disturbing. When I know I am alone I can relax and exhibit textbook autistic behaviour but, even around my wife, I wont allow myself to appear that way - not saying that is healthy, it's just always been paramount that I hide my weirdness.

It is a relief to know that there is an actual logical reason for all these seemingly bizzare worries I had though. But the tradeoff is no longer being able to tell myself that its nothing.

I always question my "condition". Even though most of the time I do believe I have some sort of AS/HFA there are times I often question that. During these times I sometimes ask my self: are my struggles really just how I was raised, maybe people telling me I'm not capable in some areas? Could having a low self esteem cause this? Am I just believing that I have it though a kind of placebo effect? My condition stem from any deep rooted fears I haven't dealt with yet? These are questions I will ask myself sometimes. However most of the time I do believe my condition is innate.

Sometimes, when I have to conciously find an appropriate expression for, say, my sympathies, for gratitude, for surprise, even though I feel them. Most of the time it shows more spontaneously now.