Being Outted

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I asked this over at "Random" but nobody seemed interested in replying, so here's what happened. I woke up this morning, was speaking with my mom. I don't speak with my fathers side of my family at all, and she informed me that recently my sister told them I'm autistic. I felt devastated.. It's like someone who you trusted, when I have in the past told her not to, go behind my back and tell people who I don't want to know, your most personal secret. I told a NT good friend about the situation, and she couldn't understand me since I don't "talk" to that side.. and there are reasons for that. I feel a intrusion of privacy, and I lost trust in a family member.. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you handle it?

Since you feel your privacy was intruded upon, I respect that. Even though you don't speak to your father's side of the family, I am curious as to why you don't want them to know you're autistic.

Did you even tell her you don't want her telling anyone? I don't even know what people don't wane me to repeat so anyone who talks to me has to be very careful what they say because I echo things.

It can be hard learning to live with a diagnosis. Hopefully one day you can learn to say "f^'em!", along with anyone else that has a problem with it, and be a good advocate to those that will listen and try to understand.

Have you asked your sister why she told them? Perhaps something happened that made her feel compelled to tell them, even though you asked her not to. For example, if people were saying very derogatory things about someone I loved, and the things being said were unfair because that person had autism--which would explain what they were saying--I might find myself wanting to explain. I would hope I would not violate that person's confidence, but if it was bad enough, I must admit I might.

I also think that some people do not understand why you would want to keep that private. While I do not think it is anything to be ashamed of, I definitely get people wanting to maintain privacy regarding an AS dx. If she doesn't "get it," she may not really understand how truly wrong what she did is.

What to do about it? Well, I think that depends upon your relationship with your sister. If it is a good relationship and you will miss having her in your life, I think you must discuss it with her. Because if you don't talk about it, you will carry the resentment around with you and it could ruin your relationship.

I object to this because I have found I'm treated differently after being identified, and at this point in my life I can pass mostly so I don't want to be "written off" as autistic.

My mom has outed me to people, and I've been angry about it because they start "condescending" to me. I'm almost thankful my mom uses crude language like "my son is ret*d" because that is easier to ignore than a medical term like autism. A word like autism can ruin your career.

It could be that your sister mentioned it because that side was in, "what's his problem?" mode. At the age of 45, I outted myself to family members who didn't know and they all thanked me, because they had always known something was wrong/strange/different about me, but they had no idea what. And of course some of the conclusions they had come to were a lot worse than the truth. I found out that there had been a lot of negative gossip about me my whole life. A couple of family members apologized to me along the lines of "look I'm sorry, I had no idea, if I had known about it, my attitude regarding you would've been completely different".

NT's know there's something not right with me. Something that's off-key. Add them also detecting there's something about me that's being kept a secret... what you get are a lot of wrong assumptions and conclusions... that are a lot worse and more embarrassing than them simply knowing about the autism.

In my case, keeping autism a secret, leaves one with a far worse stigma, than the autism being known about. Most people these days know I have autism and I get along with people better and feel a lot less alienated than I did when I kept it a secret. In my case, no matter how well I do at playing NT, they are always going to know there's something not quite right about me. I'd rather they know what that actually is, rather than leaving it up to their imagination

But I also feel it's important not to harp on it. I don't want to make myself into an autism "poster child" seeking special attention or whatever. It's... "I'm different, this is why, now let's move on".

My problem is that I often rub people the wrong way. I do or say something that hurts their feelings or offends them in some way. Personally, I'd rather they know why I said/did that. Like why when they're talking to me in person, I'm staring out a window like I would if we were talking on the phone. I can't always maintain an NT facade. Sometimes I forget and people get thrown off or their feelings get hurt.

If someone kept insulting me every once in a while. Like interjecting "you jerk" into the conversation... it would bug me, hurt my feelings, make me angry etc. Now if I knew that person had Tourette Syndrome, I'd let it pass of course.

Since you feel your privacy was intruded upon, I respect that. Even though you don't speak to your father's side of the family, I am curious as to why you don't want them to know you're autistic.

- In my circumstance, being autistic has resulted in negativity. I can't function normally, so even though it gives me an excuse, explains why I am the way I am.. I view it's my own personal matter, and that nobody should expose me or this secret other than myself. I'm not proud to be autistic.. but it's the life I was given.

Did you even tell her you don't want her telling anyone? I don't even know what people don't wane me to repeat so anyone who talks to me has to be very careful what they say because I echo things.

- Yes. I told her previously that it's something that's personal, and I don't want anybody to know. She defied this, and went ahead anyway. I don't talk to my fathers side of the family because they were abusive towards me, verbally and physically in my youth. I don't talk to them now.

It can be hard learning to live with a diagnosis. Hopefully one day you can learn to say "f^'em!", along with anyone else that has a problem with it, and be a good advocate to those that will listen and try to understand.

- Yes.. It's very hard for me. I'm not proud to be who I am, because unfortunately in society.. all that matters is how successful you are. How much money you generate. How you act, these kinds of things. I'm down to earth, one of the most tranquil, awesome people there is... I understand alot of things, but none of that matters to NT's like them. My sister looks at me as a ret*d, and if I allow it, that's how I feel.. but thankfully I don't allow myself to entertain that thought.


Have you asked your sister why she told them? Perhaps something happened that made her feel compelled to tell them, even though you asked her not to. For example, if people were saying very derogatory things about someone I loved, and the things being said were unfair because that person had autism--which would explain what they were saying--I might find myself wanting to explain. I would hope I would not violate that person's confidence, but if it was bad enough, I must admit I might.

- Yes, she denied it, then sortof said it was fine... but it's not fine. She revealed something about me.. that I find inapropriate, and that I don't want other people to know of. It's an intrusion of privacy, and I feel hurt by it. It's like telling someone else, that someone has AIDS... who the hells business is it for them to know?? I'm not gossip for them to be entertained by... so, I disowned my sister and refuse to ever be in the same room as her again until it clicks with her. Right now she's in the faze of it's okay, and that I'm over-reacting... but in my world, I'm not over-reacting at all. I know the most personal secrets about her.... in which, nobody else knows... I could have told other family, but I haven't.



It could be that your sister mentioned it because that side was in, "what's his problem?" mode. At the age of 45, I outted myself to family members who didn't know and they all thanked me, because they had always known something was wrong/strange/different about me, but they had no idea what. And of course some of the conclusions they had come to were a lot worse than the truth. I found out that there had been a lot of negative gossip about me my whole life. A couple of family members apologized to me along the lines of "look I'm sorry, I had no idea, if I had known about it, my attitude regarding you would've been completely different".

- That's your experience and that's really cool it ended up like that. For me, at this point in my life.. I'd prefer nobody knew. My case of autism has been nothing but negative, and that's what I get from it. I prefer them not knowing about me at all, then to think "hey .. this guy is ret*d" .. because I'm anything but. However I'm glad it ended well in your case.

My problem is that I often rub people the wrong way. I do or say something that hurts their feelings or offends them in some way. Personally, I'd rather they know why I said/did that. Like why when they're talking to me in person, I'm staring out a window like I would if we were talking on the phone. I can't always maintain an NT facade. Sometimes I forget and people get thrown off or their feelings get hurt.

- I tend to not address the issue, but accept my role as the black sheep. I'm just overly quiet.. I don't say much so.. I'm sure some family don't understand but, autism is something that should be explained in mainstream society, so people don't haveto explain themselves.. or outted in the circumstance I was. I feel like.. somebody whose gay, whose secret has been exposed to the rest of the family who don't accept my behavior or why I am the way I am.... even though they know I'm autistic.. they will never accept me, and for that I'm always the token "joke" or failure of the family to be spoken about, and reflected upon in condescending negative light. It sucks in my case....

Also I thank everybody for there input.. I'm going to try and not let it get to me.. and I think this community is a great place, with great people.

This is why even though I'm sure people at work suspect because I'm weird I still don't tell them.