His self-diagnosis is stressing me out

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While I don't have Asperger's, I am certainly not neurotypical either - I am a geek girl who can easily spend a lot of time absorbed in interests of my own: reading, gaming, etc. I have shared a stormy relationship with a wonderful man for over a decade, since we met at uni in our early 20es.

Less than two years ago my man self-diagnosed himself with Asperger's. He's become more withdrawn and "loopy" since, and while he says knowing about his condition means he doesn't have to feel bad about not doing social stuff (like visiting family and going out to dinner), I am seeing it increasingly as a license to do what he wants and acting weird(er) than usual. I have stopped going to family events almost altogether, we nearly never go out anymore, and when we're home he locks himself in his hobbies and becomes harder to talk to than a brick wall - unless he initiates it. To me it seems he's not just happy to have the diagnosis, he's actively molding himself to become the Aspie stereotype - I don't remember him being this strange before. He's always been very possessive, but has made up for it by being very affectionate in return - but now he's withdrawing his affection from me while still remaining as jealous as ever. So I find myself increasingly without a network of family and friends except for people I can meet online. And when I spend more than a few hours chatting to other people he turns it into a doomsday thing, and starts freaking out that we're about to end.

When I suggest to him that he have his condition diagnosed by a professional, or seek treatment for it, he declines. Note that by treatment I don't mean I want him to become more neurotypical - but I don't see why he's got to have carte blanche to turn into a freak. I know what he was like before - he's always been very selective in his friendships, but definitely a social guy - for example, he's been able to meet people online to work on his musical projects. Now he's sinking into his little world - we can sometimes talk about it and cry about it and come to an agreement, but within a week things are back to (ab)normal. I am not keen to throw away all the time we've spent together, he's been my best friend for years (an important reason we started dating in the first place), but the situation is becoming quite unbearable to me. Any suggestions?

Take care of yourself first.

See a counselor. Try to get him to go with you. If he won't, go by yourself.

Could point him towards the "Love and Dating" forum sure that will get him thinking, if you tell him in the way you want to, if you don't look at what your doing your going to be joining them, yada yada yada...

In your words...

I agree that whether he really has it or not it sounds like he's using it as an excuse to be rude and selfish, giving us all a bad name.

Sorry this is happening to you.

Believe me, I never would have chosen the AS 'lifestyle'.

Self-diagnosis is legitimate. I've been self-diagnosed for six years and though it hasn't made my life perceptibly better this awareness has probably saved me from a major disaster or two.

Yes, i think this point is crucial.
He either has AS or some other (bigger?) problem.
Either way, you can only devote so much of your time and emotional energy to the situation.
Sorry i'm not more helpful; the thought of myself giving dating advice is laughable.

It sounds like he has felt this stuff was too hard, and that he now feels he has an excuse. To hear you describe it, he has only ONE thing going for him, and only one real benefit. That is ****YOU****! If that is the case, it will hopefully be relatively easy to fix the problem.

Have you told him what you said here, and said that, althought you still love him and want to make things right again, you can't go on like this? Have you mentioned that he is moving AWAY from one you would like to be with?

Steve

I've noticed in newly diagnosed Aspies, whether it's official or self diagnosis, there seems to be a period where we become more "autistic". Like we're trying on a new face and seeing, "Hey, it feels comfortable"... but then we go all out and really do start going "stereotypical".

I went through that. It was, oh, about a year and a half, two years, before I really felt "me" again, if that makes sense.

It just takes time to accomodate this model of "Aspie" into "self". For awhile, there's shifting and tugging and pulling. For most, with time, they seem to become accustomed to being both an Aspie and themselves again.

Hopefully your partner, Brainiac, will start refinding himself again. The time frame differs for every person though.

The thing that helped me the most was to come on these kinds of forums and see THOUSANDS of auties and interact with them and start seeing really how different we all are. It almost gave me permission to be me again.

Great point, Sophist. Reminds me of the Onion story 'Newly out gay man overdoes it'.

I agree with Sophist. I'm kind of in that mode now. However, I do go out when asked to, normally, I just dont like meeting people so its hard. If my cousins invite me over, I'm there with the normal crowd. Back home, I went out everynight of the week (over Chistmas).

Hmm, maybe I'm not falling into my aspie ways or becoming MORE aspie. I've taken more interest . . in my interests but I'm more happy this way. If someone had something in common with me I'd probably hang out with them more but not many people do. Mind you, I also moved 2600 kms to a new city where the only people I knew, my relatives, reside. I had only seen them a handful of times prior to this year.

This week, I plan on asking people for lunch so I at least have that. I play games online with my friend, back home, so I still talk to someone (Its verbal). I refuse to use a phone and will discuss this during a meeting at work (aspie is not an excuse, but not becoming 'flustered' via using a phone is something I want to avoid).

Basically, I've learned more about myself but that includes what makes me happy so yes, I've fallen back a bit onto what makes me happy - since no one is making me happy and my efforts to constantly please everyone gets tiresome, I owe it to myself for my own mental health

Well, I don't know if this is what YOU went through, but I guess I act more autistic now also. The truth is that I was on my way before thinking about it anyway, because I am not trying to act different, but more like my TRUE personality. Of course, I will NEVER be the same because I am FAR less naive, etc... That IS sad. NOT for me, but for society.

Still, I try to hide it in interviews. I had an interview just yesterday in fact. I was in a small room with a lot of people, and trying to get the top job. I looked EVERYONE in the eyes, etc... I was certainly at a disadvantage because I didn't feel well, etc... Well, I didn't get THE job. I didn't even get one of the ones below that. I got one below that! The reason given? The weren't sure my "people skills" were good enough! 8-( Oh well, at least the bill rate is the same, and my boss said he didn't expect me to get one of the top two positions.

Steve

Good point; not the same as using it as an excuse to be nasty.



Part of why having AS sucks. Even when you know you have it and learn how to hide at least some of it, you still have it.

i agree with sophist too.

i'm self DXed (not too heck-bent on it) since early summer... and prior to that, i had no idea about AS. i've always known i was weird and i've always tried to pinpoint what it was... but could never quite do so...

now, it seems every "mistake" i make is so blatantly clear... i never used to realize all the little things i do that just kinda make people give you that "wtf" look...

so i can identify with how this whole thing can just get larger than life. and while i haven't really changed my routine... cause i work way too much anyway (that's what being a labrat does to you)... i have definitely been having some low low points.

hopefully, this whole thing will lose some novelty for him... and he'll fall back into his routine. maybe a counselor would do good... cause i don't think that it's good for him just to stop everything he used to do... cause reading about AS shouldn't change who you are. and i think it's probably good for you to keep that as your main concern for him... cause you obviously care about him.

is he on WP btw? maybe he should get on here and check it out. whatever i got goin on up in my head.... AS or no... i love this site... there are so many wonderful people to share experiences with and get advice from... it's what's keeping my hypothetical therapist(s) at bay!

gl

i think sophist's post is pure quackery.

Sophist is spot-on, not about everybody with AS but I imagine many.

Because...

... like normals we can choose how to act.

... overdoing the behaviour/acting like a stereotype when you find a new identity is something normals fall into, like the Onion story about the gay man.

... people with AS tend to overdo stuff like that anyway.

I don't use it as an excuse to act more autistic but...

... the biggest mistakes I ever made in my adult life were when I didn't understand the AS and tried to imitate normals. That's one less trap to fall into.

... knowing my brand of AS, my personality, I know which parts of normal life I can and can't join and can plan accordingly. (Not the same as being rude and selfish on purpose... I wouldn't make myself play sports or try to get a sales job now, that sort of thing.)

Other than that my experience is a little like Sedaka's. I still make a few mistakes but now understand why which is consoling and stops it happening again.

"The time frame differs for every person though."

This is the only point which is spot on. ( For me the time frame was 0 minutes.)
The rest of the post is meaningless: ie. concerning the real 'me' and 'aspie self' and this 'shifting and tugging and pulling.'

I'm sure there are many people who can relate to Sophist's post, but i just smell quackery.
Sorry, i don't want to hijack the thread ( which was originally about relationship advice.)

In general, this statement is false.
EDIT: It also seems to contradict your previous statement regarding not choosing the Aspie lifestyle.