is it rude to have no interest in people?

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stardustlugia
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19 Apr 2013, 2:35 pm

I know this sounds really like a SPD problem but I kinda rolled myself into that category long ago. So does anyone know if its just polite to facade some type of personal interest in people you work with even when you genuinely don't? Im having trouble at my job with this because i just want to do my job but i am starting to get the hint it may be rude in some way.



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19 Apr 2013, 2:48 pm

Unfortunately this is one of those social politeness rules and people will notice if you consistently fail to adhere to it. I completely understand just wanting to do your job, but unfortuantely, yes, they might think you rude. I suspect that most NTs aren't actually very interested in most other people either (except those close to them) but they automatically adopt the behaviours which indicate they are because they are part of the grease of the social mechanism, if you will.

Here's something you can try which might help (this is what I did at my workplace). For all the people you interact with often, try to remember one single thing about them. Say they have a dog called Charlie that they are very fond of. When you talk to them or greet them, you say "So how's Charlie?". Or say they are planning a holiday in Spain. When you talk to them you say, "So when are you off to Spain? Are you looking forward to it?" or (when they come back) "How was your holiday?". You will probably notice that NTs ask questions like this all the time. These questions make other people feel good because you are placing importance on their experiences and the fact that you remembered these things about them makes them feel that you care about them (even if you don't!). At the same time, they will instinctively understand that you are asking just to be nice and (unless they are also autistic!) will usually respond with just a sentence or two unless invited to talk more about the subject, so you don't have to sit through long discussions about things you aren't interested in.

This simple thing can make an enormous difference to the way people regard you, talk about you and interact with you, and it helps in a lot of ways. Unfortunately most social stuff is all about pretending.



stardustlugia
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19 Apr 2013, 3:01 pm

Ok thanks this answers my question in allot of ways. I wasn't really sure if it was rude to avoid the irrelevant social banter or play along with it



MjrMajorMajor
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19 Apr 2013, 3:22 pm

Just join in here and there, and you should be fine. It's okay to excuse yourself out of hearing a life story, unless it's your boss. :)



CaptainTrips222
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19 Apr 2013, 4:23 pm

MjrMajorMajor wrote:
Just join in here and there, and you should be fine. It's okay to excuse yourself out of hearing a life story, unless it's your boss. :)


^ perfect.



charlottez
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19 Apr 2013, 6:32 pm

I once had a co-worker speak to me about closing the door to my office. Seems noone had ever done that before. Was anything wrong? Uh, just doing my job. Without interruption. Sigh . . .



briankelley
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19 Apr 2013, 7:22 pm

There's lots of people who go to work to do just that, work. I guess it's hard to toe the line between being polite to people and inviting them to use you as a sounding board. That's rude of them I think when they do that. Like you don't have anything better to do than be like their bartender and listen to their stories.
Diplomacy isn't an aspie strong point. And to answer your question directly, no I don't think it's rude to have no interest in the personal lives of coworkers. For someone with autism it's natural. You pretending to care any is being very, very polite imo.



OliveOilMom
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20 Apr 2013, 2:47 am

It's not rude to not have an interest. It's rude to show that you don't have an interest. Fake it. That's what most people do.


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mrspotatohead
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20 Apr 2013, 6:23 am

It took me until a month after being fired without just cause to realize that the reason I was fired was likely because the people hiring me were more looking for a buddy than for someone who would actually work hard and care about the work... they would always be having conversations with one another even when there was a deadline to meet, and it would always somehow be my fault that we did not meet the deadline... and they were super friendly and nice when I would actually converse with them once in a while, and then really standoffish and even rude when I would ask questions about my job... people and the workplace just don't make any sense.



alakazaam
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20 Apr 2013, 1:04 pm

I was extremely reserved at my old work place. Everybody thought I was rude and intimidating. People would attempt socializing with me, but I would brush them off without meaning to. I am different outside of work . I tend to be more social depending on my environment. Everybody likes me at my new job because I work mostly alone. When I see my co-workers, I find time to talk. My old job was different. I was working with a crew, which is was hard on me because I find it hard to work and talk. It was even harder talking to a group as opposed to at my new job, I work with a few people because I work night s**t now.



Tawaki
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20 Apr 2013, 2:26 pm

Fior's utter lack of interest in anything outside his very select special interests cost him is job. Well, it didn't help.

Let me put this another way. He had no allies at work. He didn't fake he gave a crap about Kitty cat's boo boo or the new baby. He did no small talk. So he had no obligations to anyone, but no one would go to bat for him when the bosses threw him under the bus with both hands.

And those same co workers did go to bat for others who had issues with management. For Fior, they didn't say anything bad, but no one came to his defense, either.



AgentPalpatine
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20 Apr 2013, 2:43 pm

briankelley wrote:
There's lots of people who go to work to do just that, work. I guess it's hard to toe the line between being polite to people and inviting them to use you as a sounding board. That's rude of them I think when they do that. Like you don't have anything better to do than be like their bartender and listen to their stories.
Diplomacy isn't an aspie strong point. And to answer your question directly, no I don't think it's rude to have no interest in the personal lives of coworkers. For someone with autism it's natural. You pretending to care any is being very, very polite imo.


Add to this the built in strains of having remote employees who are too expensive to routinely monitor.


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20 Apr 2013, 4:34 pm

I am the same way. I couldn't care less about people and their drama, but in some situations you have to fake it. To keep a job, you often have to pretend you have an interest in people, especially if that job involves people like customer service or clerk. Other times it is a matter of social survival. If people think you are being rude, you may lose your job.



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20 Apr 2013, 4:39 pm

You can't help what you feel about people any more than you can help what you feel about anything else; it's not your fault if you're not interested in someone, but it is sort of considered rude and standoffish if you demonstrate that lack of interest. I for one am uninterested in pretty much every acquaintance I ever meet until or unless they start talking about my special interests. The trick however, is to smile and nod and not let that disinterest show.


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hanyo
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20 Apr 2013, 5:20 pm

I'm not interested in people and can't fake it. I'm not interested. If people don't like it that's too bad for them. I'm not interested in their not liking it either.



chlov
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20 Apr 2013, 5:46 pm

May it be rude or not, it's something I can't help.
There are very few people I like and enjoy being with.
Exept those people, I am not interested in anyone else.
Most people are just plain boring to me. I can't help it.
I can't fake to like people when I actually don't.
People may consider this rude, but I don't care.
I'm not doing it because I feel superior, or because I hate people. I just think that most people are boring, exept the few ones I like, who are quite interesting persons and whose interests are similar to mine.

When I was in middle school my classmates didn't like me because I wasn't interested in them and I didn't even notice them, and I remember that my teachers were worried for that because they thought that my classmates could bully me but they just teased me and I didn't suffer because of it, and I don't consider myself as bullied because I've never been physically attacked by someone.
I had only one friend when I was for the first year in middle school but then she changed school because of bullism and I passed the remaining middle school years alone, exept for some meetings I've had with kids with Down's syndrome in school.