Aspergers? ADHD? Autism?

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I have just started dating someone new, and I have a few questions about Aspergers (I believe he may have it.) I suffer from ADHD and maybe mild autism, but I'm not sure how I would handle being in a relationship with someone else with a similar disorder. I really like him, but this is eating me up.

He told me tonight that he believes he has mild autism. He talked about how as a child he would go days doing nothing but drinking soda and working on computers. He is an engineer and he is very science and math oriented... obsessed with technology. I understand that many people with Aspergers become engineers because it is a natural career path for a person with their talents.

I have never heard him mention a friend by name. As a matter of fact, he has never mentioned anyone by name. He talks about "his brother" or "friends from college" or even "a girl he dated" but he never mentions names or talks about specific people.

He doesn't seem to be bothered by changes in routine, however. I understand this is a very common symptom for Aspies. He often makes spontaneous suggestions to spend time together. For example, our very first date had not yet been scheduled when he called me on the way home from work and asked what I was doing that evening. We planned to meet at a coffee shop. He got there first and it was closed, so he called again and suggested another. It was also closed, so we ended up at a frozen yogurt joint down the street. He did not seem bothered by any of that.

Tonight we planned on having dinner at a restaurant near a local lake and then taking a walk around the lake. He picked me up and put the name of the restaurant into his GPS. It suggested another branch of the same restaurant that was closer- not the one at the lake. We switched our post dinner plans to walking around a local park. He again did not seem bothered by these changes in schedule.

He will often call or text me and make a random suggestion to grab dinner or catch a movie.

I feel that out of the two of us, I am far more bothered than he is by spontaneity. I am a homebody and will not hesitate to turn down an invitation (no matter who it is from) if it is too last minute for me. I want to stay home and do my own thing.

When we began dating, he essentially told me that at his age (25) in the stable situation he was in (homeowner, gainfully employed, very stable, etc.) he was looking for something "long term," as in someone to settle down with, marry and have children.

We haven't been dating long AT ALL, but I see our relationship becoming something very serious. My only qualm is, if it does all turn out that way, I am very afraid of having children with someone else on the spectrum. My ADHD alone causes me such trouble with school and social things, along with what I suspect to be mild autism (undiagnosed, although I did go through a 14 hour psych eval to get my ADHD diagnosis and my psychologist never mentioned autism). I really and truly fear raising a child with even my own disorders, let alone Aspergers on top of that. I don't think I could stand to watch a child suffer like that. ADHD is manageable with medication, at least for me, but I don't know about the rest.

Any insight on whether or not the guy I am dating may have Aspergers? Or am I just over thinking his comment about autism?

Is raising a child with these kind of disorders just TOO painful for some people?

That "bothered by changes in routine" phrase is something I hear a lot about people with Asperger's, but as someone that is diagnosed with it, I can tell you it's very possible to "get around" it in a way. At my core I'm certainly a "It's not what you do, it's how you do it" kind of person, it's just that I've learned not to care 85% of the time. If he does have "mild autism", he's probably "grown out" of a lot of his issues, like I have.

@The Brave Sir Robin - I like your screen name!

He may be perfectly. I like routines, hate surprises, but when I have been in love I didn't mind to be spontaneous. Magic of love, I suppose.

But I don't understand what's the problem with an AS child, if he would be an HFA as the father. I don't see where's the 'suffering'. As long as you understand that he is not (or wouldn't be) a NT, and you treat him/her according to this, being HFA is not a curse.

See your BF, by the way, he works in something he loves, it looks like he has a succesful professional career, and it looks like he's stablishing a nice and honest relationship with you witho no lies neither manipulations. How many NTs can say the same?

I feel that I "suffer" with ADHD. When others just breeze through a class and understand every lecture, and I do not, that is hard. Especially when they're saying things to me like "I don't understand, you're so much smarter than me!"

And maybe I am, but I can't concentrate on the lecture or stop procrastinating. I was diagnosed late in my academic career (16) and haven't completely learned how to deal with it yet. I supposed knowing ahead of time that my child would have developmental differences would make it much easier because I would know when to get him/her help and support.

That's because there's a difference between his routines and routines in general.
Everyone will vary with that though.



Wait, what? Of course everyone will make their own evaluations, but base them on reality please.
So would it be painful for you having a neurodiverse child, or for the child being neurodiverse? Because you're making some very stupid conclusions there.