So I lived at this place some years ago in which many other similarly-aged people lived. 'Young' people, which I don't normally get along with (they bore me... or so I always thought) and didn't make much effort to interact with them... even when they talked to me, I didn't outright ignore them, but I seriously didn't make any effort to make friends. I happened to leave that place because some sort of depression came over me (being at college was failing and I generally had no idea where I was going to end up in long-term)... not because I had anywhere better to go, as for the next few years I lived through some absolutely crippling loneliness (even though I didn't interact with many people at this place, the fact is that I did still effectively mingle when I went to activities that were being organized, and as a result I wasn't lonely... just not excessively social, but something was still missing...)
Fast forward some years later and I happen to get to know a guy that in the current day lived at this place (i.e., wasn't there when I actually lived there, so I can't say I willfully ignored him, but...) - more friendly and intelligent than the average young person, who I also happen to overhear say he was an aspie... who somehow made the acquaintance of a lot of people at this place, if not all. I don't so much get along with most of the people he knows (forced to know, it so happens, as whenever I met him people are always coming and going)... but through him I got to know at least two others I can think of that I thought had interesting personalities. This one other guy, in fact, last I saw him, told me all about his interest in technology and Ghost in The Shell etc. which was, in fact, an unexpected and awesome conversation...
...now, why can't I have these conversations more often? Well, obviously, it's because I don't live at this place anymore (they won't accept me again due to... of all things, "having excessive needs"... it's otherwise relatively far away... whereas these residents that constantly seem to interact with one another live, at most, a 2 minute walk away from the furthest room... since they're all in the same building, my walk is 30 minutes there and 30 minutes back... just not worth it, except occasionally). For the last three years (as anyone who also happens to remember my other threads knows) I have in fact been practically given a sentence of isolation, in this noisy neighbourhood of madness. Loneliness and noise? Worst combination ever.
And there I was, at this sudden realization... there, after for some reason leaving this place to end up in universally worse situations (well, having a flat of my own can be interesting at first, spacious enough... even the possibility to get fibre optic, since this other place couldn't have it installed (but what's the point, when one's all alone and the world is crumbling?)) - I had lived at this place for a year without any friends, but soon after I leave I do actually get to know someone I get along with... who happens to know everyone, and as such could serve as a virtual source of social possibilities (finding interesting young people is rare, but not impossible... and the fact of the matter is that young people tend to be jovial, whereas I'm normally, on my own at least, serious... which was fine to a point, but not when mind-shattering sadness and anxiety take hold... when that happens, why wouldn't I want to be near a guy like the above, who seemingly jokes about constantly?)
...and now I'm here, in a quiet flat and not as lonely (I happened to find someone I could get even closer to than on a friendship basis), but still broken after years of isolation and tremors caused by the cyclic 10 minute bus... and I'm still wondering, "what could I possibly have experienced had I known this guy back when I actually lived there? To have acquaintances I could spend much time with, potentially hours on a daily basis, and who live a literal stone's throw away?" - while I do finally have one main relationship in my life right now, having a multiplicity of friends must be potentially interesting in its own way. Most people have both types of relationships (but yes, at least loneliness isn't as screeching as existential terror personified... anymore, currently).
The ultimate question then is: should I still be filled with regrets that my potential to make friends has become so wonderfully ironic? (i.e. only making them *after* leaving the place.)
Should I adopt an air of indifference over the probable fact that I'd have many more of those aforementioned awesome conversations, if only I would still be living there?
Should I not have anxiety, even, at the fact that in two years time, due to their standard age constraints, I would be automatically ineligible to live at these places... thus having to live in relative, *social* isolation forever more, before I could ever build a network of friends? (People in society, at large, don't live close to each other like people in this place did, and aren't at all as gregarious. A hypothetical hippie commune by definition, perhaps... but I got the impression those places don't exist much anymore at all. All people want nowadays, it seems, is to get as much money as possible while living in relative isolation... and I want no part of that, if at all possible.)
28 Apr 2013, 4:42 am
