Social rituals. Do you get them?

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Socially ritualistic behaviour is still something of a mystery to me. I get it's importance, it's how people reinforce social bonds through a human version of primate grooming, but instead of picking fleas and ticks from each other's fur we engage in the usual 'how are you?' 'had a nice day' 'good night out?' 'you look great!' 'got plans for the weekend?' etc etc etc.

I know this is kind of how humans convince each other that we're 'nice' people who are interested in others and want to be socially engaged. I can understand it from a theoretical point of view. Problem is that it's something that never occurs to me to actually do. I just tend to bludgeon my way into social encounters and deal with people in a very matter of fact way. What I've found is that foregoing those rituals skips the bits that convinces others that you're a nice person, leading to the inevitable - them judging that you're not. I know I'm a decent guy, of course, but that's obviously never apparent to this sort of social judgement.

Yes, I know the usual response to this is 'who cares? It's all superficial anyway,' but that doesn't really cover the reality of trying to forge productive relationships in places of employment or education. It'll be a cold day in hell before I get promoted, despite any great performance of mine. I know that now.

Anybody else have problems with this? Or has learnt to overcome it?

i have those exact problems & i know people think i'm strange, so i got a tattoo that says don't judge.

Yes, I'm experiencing exactly the same problem at work. I don't even know how to mimic those rituals. I realize most of my male colleagues develop bonds with one another by joking and bantering. I have no idea how I can do such a thing (I'm a male myself). If a joke is thrown my way, I just freeze and make everyone uncomfortable. It surely is affecting my work because many people try to see me and my work negatively. I'm even considering trying to find an employer that accommodates someone like me since I don't think I would ever be able to learn to join in those social rituals.

I've never understood things qeyond the simple hello and thanks

Probably the most reoccurring thread on WP.

It's not so much the "opening" social rituals (How are you doing?) that are the issue, that can be reduced to near-rote learning. It's what to do after that level of communication.

Far too many variables to learn above that stage by rote.

I get these behaviors as I use them quite often. I kinda of learned my way through it. I learned that if somebody asks how are you, then say good and how are you. It's seen as being rude if you don't respond by asking how that person is, so I always use this skill I learned. When you enter a conversation with a group, wait for a pause. That means they acknowledged your presence and are waiting for you say something. Make sure to say something that's relevant to the conversation. If they just keep talking and don't pause or look at you, it means your not welcome to enter the conversation. It's apparently difficult to put most of the social rules I learned into good use, but I try. It's like asking me to take the bar exam without studying law.

OP, I have come to a similar conclusion about social rituals as well...their purpose is to establish comfortability with others. Social rituals never seem to have a shred of honesty because it's the wider message they are sending that NTs like: a way to subtly tell others that you acknowledge their presence positively. The dumb 'how are you thing' always has the same answer - 'good or fine and you" because it is implied that you state the opposite...yes, you are here, but I am not close enough to you to actually care about how you feel. Somehow, faking this trite enthusiam gets very positive reactions from NTs as if they had never heard the answer before, despite the fact that they do it numerous times daily when running into others. I wonder if any socially skilled NTs have ever taken the time to deconstruct these rituals at all...my guess is they just take them for granted.

As a kid and teen, I never did social rituals because I never saw a purpose for them. When someone approached me, I wanted them to go away, since I preferred to be by myself. Once I saw a purpose for social rituals, I started doing them, but I still get annoyed by them inside even though on the outside it looks like I am enjoying them. I do them in a very mechanical way...as if I'm going through the motions of what people expect from me, with the expected facial expressions/tone of voice/level of interest. I just go through the motions because I want people to like me. It sucks, but it's the price I pay to not feel awkward, because if people feel or convey awkwardness around me, I get very uncomfortable.