Am I a bad person for having this attitude about Autism?

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I remember when I saw the news video about Isabel Loeffler and it was a deadly psychological blow to me and I was ready to slit my wrists in the bathtub, most of the time when I have to acknowledge how autistics can be so misunderstood it breaks my heart and I would just do anything to put an end to it. Growing up with a diagnosis of PDD-NOS, throughout my childhood I always felt like I was in a bubble, I don’t really know how to describe it but I knew that I had something where I was in need of professional help, that I was very vulnerable (though I didn’t know those words, but I knew I was not normal, like I would often flap my hands in the corner of a bathroom), and as I grew up and I encountered others with the same disorder who were very articulate I was gobsmacked, it never occurred to me that people with this disorder could be remotely like normal people, so from then on I was in a deep state of confusion, then eventually I got into a relationship with a girl that had PDD-NOS and I was always paranoid, I would regularly ask her multiple questions based on any behavior I saw from her, like “would you behave like *so and so* even if you didn’t have autism?” and I became very controlling with her as a result, she would regularly tell me I was being judgmental and not accepting her for who she was, and it ultimately lead to our break up.
It just seems that as long as there are normal people and there are autistics they will be prone to prejudice and that just tears my heart knowing that the world is too dangerous for autistics, and I would just be happy to give my life if it would put an end to it, I've sometimes had a fantasy about someone with autism saying something and it miraculously alters the whole world and any sense of misunderstanding is gone and everyone relates to each other and the world is as perfect and beautiful as it can be. And it's also been a blow to my heart to know that girls can be both autistic and boy oriented and interested in sex and can be so badass and stubborn, the way I always saw it, they can be one or the other they can't be both, I always saw autistic girls as far too innocent to be remotely interested in boys or any of those things.
I sometimes wish there was no such thing as, you could call them 'obvious differences', that there was nothing like this entity called 'autism', that we are all the same except from being merely different as individuals, but as any individuals anyone can happen to be born with remarkable strength of spirit and sensitivity, but no such thing as 'disability'.

Last edited by russport on 28 Apr 2013, 8:28 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I don't think you are a bad person.

No.

You definitely are a bad person for using about 500 words in a run-on sentence, though

You sound very confused. You also sound very sensitive. The first rule is, don't assume anything, (such as what you assumed about autistic females). Assumptions and presumptions will always bring you grief.

Don't judge yourself, try not to judge others. You will find the right person for a relationship eventually. As for society, you can't change that, you just have to make your own niche the best you can.

Not being rude; but please can you split your post into paragraphs please?

Why does this hurt you exactly? Do you want the girls to be interested in sex but not be stubborn & badass, or would you prefer them to be stubborn & badass but not interested in boys or sex? Or autistic but not stubborn, badass or interested in sex? I'm confused about the combination of qualities you are seeking & sad not to find.

I have a thought that I hope will help, though. Some girls like sex because they ARE innocent. They never understood not to. They never understood that they'd be judged negatively for it or why they would be. There are some girls out there that are interested in these things but are so, so innocent. (NT's too, probably.) They believe everything a guy says & that some guy really loves them when he doesn't mean it. They are devastated to find it isn't love. Sex and innocence have no correlation. Lots of men think this, and I don't know why. Men are supposed to be logical, and often I like them for that. But this is not logical thinking at all. I think there are tons of women that don't like sex, Aspies & NTs, so if you are looking for that, I'm sure you can find it. Don't lose heart. :) In the same way that you are an individual, with various traits, women are also individuals with various traits.





I hope someone will say that thing to you that helps you make sense of it all. Probabilities aren't in my favor, but I'll try. You never know! :) Truthfully, I bet lots of people say lots of different things, and someday when you are doing something else, maybe it will just click. It won't ever be that the world is perfect, but it'll probably be more like, "Hey, this makes sense. It isn't that bad."

People start categorizing from a very early age. Some believe this is the beginning of the development of thought in young ones. Some believe this is how language began. If someone says "table," I know what that means. Even though there are many, many kinds of tables, I've got the gist, because they all have something in common. Definitions are great. Without them, we can't communicate anything.

What's difficult is that people are so complicated in general. But, categories are so very helpful. They won't cover everything. Still, they can be useful, not only in figuring out what sort of behaviors to expect from someone, but also in helping you to figure out how to treat a person in a way they will like, or accept. Let's say I have introverted friends & extroverted ones. If introverts call me, I probably don't have to call back. They not only understand; they might be relieved. If extroverts call me, I have to call back now & then, or they be confused as to whether or not we are still friends & whether or not I like them. That example seems trite, yes, but I hope it makes the point. It's good to some things about a person, so we know how to interact with them. It's a start for knowing something.

If you are dealing with people who have at least a normal level of intelligence and who care about you, it can be helpful to explain you're an Aspie. It will help them understand why maybe going to the store is difficult or why you always drop things or any number of things you might do differently than other people. Maybe they will help do practical things for you, too, like not have the t.v. on at full blast all the time. :) People are more willing to do cool things that help your day go better, if they understand why it makes the day better for you. (Don't ask me why people can't just take your word. But, it doesn't work that way, usually.) Also, it will help them to not get hurt feelings about weird stuff, because their expectations will be more in accordance with the reality of the situation. Of course, you are an individual. Of course, everyone on the spectrum isn't the same! But, it gives you an opening to try to tell someone who you are, what you need in life, & what you want that may seem unusual to them. People love definitions and categories.

The word disability is a negative one, but you already see the positive in it and the benefits and unique and special aspects of autism. If it isn't a disability for you, don't call it one. Use the words YOU like to describe yourself, the words that are true for you.

Then, if someone throws it in your face, it's not because you didn't try to explain yourself. You aren't in the wrong. It's because they just need to work on their relationship skills or they just aren't right for you. But, with the right people, giving them a word for that thing that makes you stand out a little bit, makes them more comfortable & helps them know what is happening with you is often a positive thing for the relationship.

(Sidenote: It doesn't matter what you'd do differently if you or anyone would do if he/she weren't an Aspie. You are one, or he/she is one, right? :) Let it go. I had a boyfriend that used to ask me - way too often, like nagging- if I could afford fancier clothes/makeup/accoutrements if I would wear them. I told him if this were a priority to just find someone fancier. There is no if, because that is how I dress now. :) You don't have to like or love someone just because they have AS, too. You have to like someone as who they are, naturally, not what they would be. :) Otherwise you don't like them much. You then, only like your idea of them. In that case, it's better to try again!

People are often confused in negotiating the complex world of other people. That's what the categories are for.

Nothing you said here makes me think you are a bad person, just understandably frustrated.

Also, you should check into help for depression. Depression is horrible. Cognitive Behavior Therapy can be extremely helpful. So can training in Emotional Regulation. Make sure any doctors are therapists are super-smart & competent.

Well, basically just knowing some of the abuse and taking advantage of that neurotypical females have experienced from males is heart-wrenching in its self but an autistic female experiencing that is much more so, an autistic female should NEVER have to go through that. You know how people with autism have been said to be able to relate better with animals than with people, well the way I've seen it autistic people ARE like animals with their such innocent and vulnerable qualities, and I just can't make sense of that being mixed with desire for male romance and typical behavior from NT's such as sex craze and hard partying.

As for everything else you said, I really do appreciate your understanding and kind words of wisdom.

Well, basically just knowing some of the abuse and taking advantage of that neurotypical females have experienced from males is heart-wrenching in its self but an autistic female experiencing that is much more so, an autistic female should NEVER have to go through that. You know how people with autism have been said to be able to relate better with animals than with people, well the way I've seen it autistic people ARE like animals with their such innocent and vulnerable qualities, and I just can't make sense of that being mixed with desire for male romance and typical behavior from NT's such as sex craze and hard partying.

As for everything else you said, I really do appreciate your understanding and kind words of wisdom.

Prejudice is not a natural consequence of difference. Society can change.

Think of gay people. It used to be that if a man had sex with another man in US, they could go to jail for it. Now, we're talking about changing the definition of marriage to include them. We still have a way to go, but we're lightyears ahead of where we were.

The same can happen with autism. I know it.

No, just sensitive.

You're not a bad person.

You are a very kindhearted person with truly atrocious grammar.

That said, you are a very kindhearted person with truly atrocious grammar who needs to get harder and meaner and worry less about the way things ought to be if you want to survive with things the way they are.

Things aren't changing. So you'd better get busy.

I don't think this "harder and meaner" attitude is necessary. You can accept things for being as they are without giving up hope that they can change for the better. Taking on a "meaner" attitude only contributes to the problem. I'm not saying don't fight back, but rather don't become the kind of person who scares you enough to make you feel the need to take on this attitude in the first place.

As for the OP's problem: everybody is different, autistic people are especially different, even from one another. Some people do have characteristics that appear to contradict each other, or at least contradict "normal" combinations of traits. I had a similar problem understanding my own mental characteristics until I learned that some Eastern cultures see opposite traits as complimentary rather than contradictory, like Western cultures do.

I don't think you are a bad person for wanting what you see as a better world. Personally, I just want acceptance, which would involve changing the cultural attitude, which as someone else pointed out, has already been done in recent history by gay people.