I would do anything to become NT... Help!! !

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My Asperger's syndrome has made my life miserable. I'm an extrovert and love to connect to people, but somehow can't. I'm also frequently the butt of jokes and exclusion. More than anything, I want to fit into the NT world. My job requires it, but my job also allows me to use my special interest for the benefit of humanity. I am sick and tired of being the oddball and would rather have an amputated foot than be autistic!! !

NTs seem like they're having so much fun and whenever I want to join it just gets awkward since I'm the obvious alien. This kills my self-esteem. For many years I was suicidal. Every day I worry about being fired from my job or kicked out of med school... because i cant fit in. Life would be so much easier as an NT. I feel like the world hates us and us out to get us aspies.... Discriminating in all aspects of life. Getting and keeping a job is harder, all I want to do is maintain at least a semblance of normalcy but fail even when I'm on my best behaviour.

Sometimes I get angry. Angry at myself for failing to fit in and even feign normalcy, at God for making me this way, at all the geniuses who don't have AS.... Why can't I be like you??? I don't need AS to be a genius! All my med school classmates are so smart and normal and have it all together..... Why me??? Why was I given these gifts but no means to use them??? What is the purpose of living if nobody wants me here? This is worse than not having gifts at all because I feel like they're dangled in front of me, just a little out of reach. And this taunting, the way life taunts me, is just demoralizing.

Sometimes I want to die. I feel: if the world doesn't want me, why bother? Why am I here? Am I here for any other purpose than to be ridiculed??

The worst part is, I'm aware enough to know I am ostracized and ridiculed and excluded and unwanted, but not aware enough to know how to change that.

I could use some support.

We all, for the most part, want to fit into the neurotypical world.

You have some things going for you. You are in Med School. You have a job. That is great.

You have a job that allows you to use your special interest to benefit humanity. That is a great thing.

I don't know, just try to work hard and study hard. Keep up the good work.

Sorry I don't have any advice for you, but I do know how you feel.

I'm tired of life. I'm so emotionally exhausted that it's turning into physical exhaustion, and all I want to do is sleep or just be in bed watching films to get me away from all the s**t that goes on in this world. But I am stronger than I think because I am carrying on. But I'm still tired of everything. I'm bored with having AS.

I'm fed up with getting funny looks in public when I'm not doing anything weird to attract unwanted attention. Makes me not want to go out any more, and makes me think ''why bother to wear stylish clothes and try to blend in when it's not working?'' And I never thought I would get that attitude. I have as much right to be out in public as everyone else has, as long as I'm not causing trouble or doing anything to hurt anyone, which I never do.

I'm fed up with these sensory issues. It feels like I permanently have inflamed ears all the time. Also I'm fed up with my nerves being on edge and making me look like a spaz when a sudden loud noise occurs like a siren going off or a dog barking, whether I know it's coming or not. I think if I wasn't this sensitive with my nerves then half of my sensory issues would be cured. Thank God I only have sensory issues with sounds.

I'm fed up with going to work and being the shyest person there. I know there are shy NTs out there but none of them work at my place, everyone seems loud and are always chatting and joking and laughing, and although I am not oblivious to non-verbal social cues, I still have a hard time responding or joining in because I don't know what to say in time. It can make you feel lonely, and I wish there was another Aspie there, even if he or she was extroverted, they'll still be socially awkward in some way and I wouldn't feel like the only one.

I'm fed up with being so timid and nervous all the time. Sometimes I wish I had learning difficulties, because I've met lots of adults with that before and they don't seem to worry about stupid things like I do, they just get on with it and according to them everything is OK as long as they're happy. But me, I'm too sensitive, too worried about how others are feeling, and too emotional, can easily cry at the drop of a hat, and I don't know how to lessen my thinking and harden up. Yes, I think too much. That's my problem. Even if I try to shut my chattering mind off, the worrying is still there subconsciously, just not in words, but in a subconscious emotion inside me.

I'm tired of having obsessions with people that are so intense that I end up getting too involved then making an idiot of myself, which brings on a mini crisis for me that I've got to sort out on my own, and nobody else will because I'm the only one that's obsessed, not anyone else. It's really not normal.

I hate having unpredictable mood swings, and becoming easily agitated or unsettled. I wish I can relax and enjoy myself when I'm out, but instead I get a fog of depression in my mind and hold a scowling expression on my face, and my family has to tread on eggshells around me.

I'm tired of having all these social issues and wind up getting jealous of others who have so much more than me. I end up getting so jealous that I become bitter and angry and can be trapped in depression for a week, which affects my appetite and makes me lose weight. It is not healthy. I hate Asperger's. WHY ME??????????????????????????????????! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!


I think I need a supernanny.

I have given up on faking neurotypical and my life has improved 100% Since I have accepted and embraced my autism, I have been more successful than I could ever imagine! I disclose my autism to anyone who is more than a casual acquaintance and unashamedly stim in public. I now have a steady job, more friends than I could ever hope for, a boyfriend and am a straight A Vet Tech student. All while being openly, flamboyantly Autistic as heck. I dump anyone who doesn't support me like a sack of dirt.

One of my dreams is to start a mentorship organization so I can help other's on the autism spectrum learn to love themselves

It really makes me sad when I see people fighting and fighting out of self-hatred to force themselves to act like someone they are not only to end up destroying all aspects of their health

I feel I can't give up on faking being NT. I find that part of it is not faking, it's natural instinct to want to be NT so I just do it, if that makes sense. If I did want to stop trying too hard, I'll just turn into a mute person, but I don't particularly want to do that, not after being polite and talkative when people talk to me, to suddenly being mute and never opening my mouth to even say good morning or how are you?.

I think what I lack is social confidence. I wish I could be a little louder, say more what's on my mind. But I can't. My mind sometimes goes blank, and I don't know what to say, even random stuff.

There's a young person at work with learning difficulties, but she is quite loud (although she doesn't speak up much in a group conversation, she'll sit quietly and only speak with confidence if she's specifically spoken to). But she's better than me otherwise, and I know she gives away a lot of quirks when she interacts and often does a lot of social faux pas, but the main thing is that if the social faux pas doesn't worry you and you say stupid things but have some confidence in yourself, I think others still become more friendly to you than if you are too shy and timid like me. Even if I did try to be confident and not care if I make social faux pas, people can still tell that I have got this nervous, timid way about me, so it makes me feel ignored or rejected sometimes. I think it sometimes pays to be ''stupid'' sometimes.

And thanks for noticing my post earlier. It really illustrates a point on how I feel, and I loved the way I worded it.

Do you have social anxiety in addition to autism?

Social anxiety might be having negative influences on your social functioning.

I've concluded that life is only worth living (for everyone) if you truly love yourself.

You attempt to love yourself for something you are not. At the same time you are not truly loving yourself for what you are. That's very dangerous.

If you find the root of who you are, you'll live the life you are supposed to live.



I find motivation in helping those who are helpful towards others. Since I'm helpful towards others myself, I'll also "help" myself. If that makes sense. This is who I am. My identity will never be to sacrifice everything to be part of some group, as it is for many NTs.

When that is said: it's definitely much more difficult to truly love yourself as an aspie when you have basically all of your life directly or indirectly been told that you are fundamentally wrong. You are not wrong. That would be the same as saying cats are wrong, because they should be dogs. Why should they!


Never stop loving yourself. Love yourself so much it outshines all problems you'll ever face! You can only do this if you identify and love your real self, what is known as true confidence.

as someone with AS who has tried to do primary care ( for nine years), I recommend pathology.