Is learning how to pass wrong?

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I have a general question. When I was younger I was more severe than I was now. There was a lot more awkward behavior. Now I’m starting to pick up on body language and learning how to engage in small talk.

(For background information, the author is in his 20s.)

It’s great. But at the same time, it is frightening. I suspect that what I’ve learned are just advanced coping mechanisms. But there is always this lingering fear that somehow my diagnosis was wrong, that I am not really on the spectrum. It is the idea that what defines the spectrum is inability, fixed and defined, that you are somehow born different. This gets back to the generally accepted assumption that autism has a genetic basis.

Somehow by learning these coping mechanisms and being able to pass, I feel guilty. I fear that I am somehow betraying what I am supposed to be.

But at the same time, I feel that I am being loyal to what I am supposed to be doing as someone on the spectrum. I feel that I am working toward defining myself by ability instead of inability.

But then there is always there is always the lingering fear lurking back there.

My question is this. What am I doing by learning these coping mechanisms? Am I being faithful to what I should be working for, or am I betraying the core of my identity? Please help! This is really troubling.

I have found this to be troubling too. I am a "passer," but as I get older I bother with it less. I hope that in fifty years or so, we won't have to learn to pass. We shouldn't have to. Others should accept that we do not interact in the traditional way and they should learn to accept us. Rather than us having to change what is natural.

Learning to pass is the only way in to adult society.

That it's harder for us than for others isn't something we'll ever earn much credit for, but still, it's the only way in.

If you can do it, by all means, do it. Then go out and fight for those of us who can't.

This is not about "Passing", it's about synchronizing, cooperating, being gentle with others that can't handle your level of intensity.
It's about finding solutions that work, which you can share to help make other people's lives less of a trial, smoother, happier.

(hypothetically) If your behavior frightened animals or small children would you care?
Would you try to do something friendlier?
Would you try to act in ways that would help them feel safe?

I bet you would and I bet you wouldn't feel a bit of shame about it.

Maybe you think that they're adults so if they can't handle your thing, that's their problem.
But your behavior makes NTs uncomfortable, it frightens them, and that inhibits them.
It inhibits you too, and any awesomeness that you both could reap from smooth interactions.
It's not about faking it, it's about caring about someones besides yourself.
It's about being strong and noble.

And being strong and noble is your problem, not theirs. =)

I think I think this: All human beings have to learn to play roles in order to get on in the societies they create collectively. A big part of the long childhood of our species is learning the culture. Part of that is about general knowledge and part of that is about the social rules. In some sense, almost all NT children learn to pass for civilized adults. Those that can't do it end up in reform school or juvenile detention, then graduate to prison at maturity.

The special challenge for us is that we don't perceive the signals at the core of that socializing curriculum. We miss the details of those lessons in the schoolyard while our NT peers are learning how all those social systems work and what the rules are. So they learn not to be their natural selves and "pass" for socialized members of society almost effortlessly. But you see them shift personae all the time. The person who appears on the street is not the same as the person who appears at school who becomes yet another person in professional life and still another person when they are speaking to the public or appearing in media.

All you are doing is trying to catch up with what the others learned long ago. There is no betrayal in it, any more than NTs are betraying themselves when they don't tell the boss to feck off or hit people when they are angry. The better you are at this skill, the better off you will be.

The best you can do to honor your sense of your authentic self is to take care of it with the power you gain by passing and succeeding in the social world and economy. When you make it there and are able to communicate fairly fluidly with NTs, you can teach them about your fellow autistics who cannot do what you have done, and make their lives a little easier. I think Tample Grandin, John Elder Robison and Michael John Carley are good examples of this.

Don't waste any time feeling guilty--life is hard enough without your being your own enemy.

Good luck!

Hate to bring her name up again, but Temple Grandin was NON VERBAL; with the right input she did much better and has a career.

Everyone learns and grows. Everyone. Someone who's NT used to need diapers...until they were toilet trained.

Should THEY feel they're betraying who they really are?

You're doing better and functioning better. It's an achievement, not a cheat or fake.

Be glad over it and move on. If you were autistic and diagnosed as such but now your functioning symptoms are less obvious, okay. Wasn't that the aim all along?

I kind of feel like it's wrong. Not that I'd blame someone for doing what they need to do to get by, but I think of it this way:

Autistics are the target of unfair prejudice.

I could hide my autism, but many others can't.

If I show my autism, while at the same time making a positive impression, I can help people see autistics a bit better.

Is the core of your identity Asperger's, or is it something else? Sticking by what we're born with out of fear that we won't be "true to ourselves" is a poisonous and prideful mindset because it prevents the natural growth of a human being in favor of stubbornly holding onto something we may not even like or benefit from. It reminds me a little bit of a child refusing to give a toy they don't even like to another child just because that means they'd have to bend their will and share.

I'd give up anything I was born with and anything external to reach what I as a whole human being - independent of Asperger's, weight, eyesight problems, hobbies, etc - have decided is deeply meaningful to me and worth reaching for.

People who have negative opinions of disabilities tend to be stuck on having them. Educating oneself is extremely easy and only a five-minute Google search away if it's nothing more than a lack of information, and you can speak up about people saying nasty things or spreading misinformation when you meet them without refusing to have good things for yourself.

What more can anyone do?

As above and others have already said.

Life is all about learning, and passing that knowledge on if you have the chance.

At least you know what you have to deal with at an early age.
Continue to develop your life skills don't feel guilty.
Socializing should not feel like a fight and you should never have to deny anything either.

It's a noble idea, but to be honest I don't think it's a realistic one. I doubt there would be many people who would see your 'autistic-like behaviour' and automatically become less prejudiced against Autistics in general.

Of course, it would depend on what 'autistic-like behaviour' you'd be engaging in. I do a bit of excited hand-flapping in the work-place now and then, and I never make it a secret if a high-pitched screech is ripping my eardrum apart (too much energy to hide), but my 'NT behaviour shield' is running at 100% when I'm actively speaking with someone (body language, vocal tone etc), otherwise they can become very uncomfortable, misunderstand me entirely, and it's done no one any good at all.

Doing what is best for you in particular is what is best for you.

But when it comes to passing.

There is learning to function better. This might be more NT or might not.

There is purposefully acting more NT even though it hurts you, because you are capable of doing so at a large cost.

There is a large difference between the two.

I will not go out of my way to be more NT. I will always learn to be a better Tuttle.

I tried to pass for many years and I think that it drove the people around me more crazy than if I had just told them. When I try to pass I just get angry and hats no good for anybody. I can still be kind and let people know. Extending kindness can do wonders.

Think of it this way, though: you can probably do more for the community as a "stealth-autistic". You would be able to get around the biases yourself and maybe convince NT's to rethink them, because they believe they are talking to another NT and take what you say more seriously.

Not at all, unless it is to defraud another or commit an illegal act.