Terrified no one will listen if I seek a diagnosis. ):

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I don't really know how to begin this post. I have an appointment in a little over 8 hours with a doctor who will hopefully refer me to someone knowledgeable in autism and for the life of me I cannot sleep. Why? Because I'm so worried my concerns will be dismissed.

Ever since I was a child, I've known something was amiss with myself. The older I get, the more I realize I cannot 'grow up.' I'm actually married and a mother, yet I cannot see myself as a woman. I actually despise the word. I am terrified of 'adult' situations, for the most part. I get very uncomfortable and embarrassed around bars, clubs, etc. I stay clear of all of it. I'm now nearly 26 and I still have interests in subjects most people would consider childish. I throw tantrums and get upset to the point of bawling when I can't have my way or have to change my routine. Every year that passes, I feel less and less connected to the world around me. I've never really felt like I could connect to people, though.

I live in my own little world and I become more aware of it every day. I take care of my son and speak with my husband but for the most part, I keep myself locked away in the house, away from the public. I have no idea how to relate to almost anyone. I love cartoons (which I know people find 'strange' for a 25-year old) but ultimately I hate most fiction. If it's live-action or a book, I don't want to be a part of it. Most of the interests of my peers are lost on me because I do not watch most television and haven't seen a movie in several years. I adore music and spend most nights up until 6 or 7 AM, just listening to songs on repeat while my child and husband are asleep. I feel so overwhelmed if I cannot retreat into my own place for hours on end.

I obviously am able to have sex, but even then, it's very strange for me. I feel awkward about it and very unsure of how to behave. I get embarrassed about it, even after several years of marriage. My husband is the only person I have ever connected to in such a way. He and I share very similar characteristics mentally and I think that's why I am able to be physical with him. With the majority of people, however, I do not want to be touched. It feels weird and I find myself giving hugs that are cold and almost robotic. That said, though, I am very affectionate with the very, very few people I like. Almost obsessively so. I've lost/scared away potential friends because I got clingy and emotional alarmingly quick. When 'average,' everyday people want to see me, I get angry. I feel like they're ruining my daily motions. I feel drained and bored and disinterested. I sometimes feel like I'm heartless because save for my family and a very small number of friends I actually relate to, I do not care what happens to people. Even people I probably SHOULD care about. My in-laws? They've been in my life for many, many years but I just cannot bring myself to care about them in a way I know society would hope. My husband's grandparents got in an accident a few years back (they were okay, thankfully) and I realized something must be wrong with me when everyone was bawling but all I could do was sit there emotionless. If a person is not similar to me or cannot provide me with something emotionally, I just...don't care. How terrible does that sound? I cannot find a balance at all.

As a kid, I did strange things. I refused to sleep because I was convinced I'd either die or go blind. I still suffer horrible insomnia. Many nights I would ask my mother for a ruler so I could measure the distance between my pillow and the wall behind my bed. If it was not parallel and exactly one inch, I would cry and scream and beg her to fix it for me. As an adult, I am obsessive over dates and times. If I meet a person, I must know their birthday and I remember it for life. Even if I just overhear someone talking about their birthday, I will always know it. When I look at a clock, I MUST find patterns in the numbers. If I find out about someone's death, I have to know when the person died then must calculate what year they were born, how old they would have been now, and how old they would have been when I was born if they were alive before my time. I absolutely HAVE to do all of this. I actually get angry when I hear or read '-insert name- was killed on -insert date-...' because I have to drop what I'm doing to quickly do the math in my head. If I do not, I feel anxious and fear that something terrible will happen.

I am absolutely terrible with jobs. I do not know how to interact with the public, be it co-workers or customers. I've gotten into arguments with people, started crying over ridiculous things, and had severe panic attacks that would cause me to quit a job on the spot. Being a mother seems to be the only thing I can do well at all. I do not know if it's because I can relate to a child more or if it's because for the most part I can stay in my home, but working is ridiculously scary to me.

I am a total perfectionist. I seem unable to share any of my talents with the world because nothing is EVER good enough. I hate people watching me work on a project or criticizing my work so ultimately I shelf half-finished drawings, stories, etc. because they are never up to my level. I'll cry, rip up things I'd been slaving over for days. I hate, hate, hate it.

Most people in my life think there is no way I could be on the spectrum and it makes me very frustrated. I do not know what to do. Maybe they are right. I am not saying I know for a fact I am. I do not want to self-diagnose. But I know SOMETHING is up. I am approaching thirty in a few short years and every single year I feel more disconnected from reality. I have always felt different. I know that's such a cliche thing to say. I hate saying it, to be honest. But it's true. I observe others and I just cannot for the life of me figure out how they function the way they do. I feel like a freak. ):

I am mostly just complaining and I apologize. I just do not know what to say. I stutter, I speak in monotone, I sound so insincere when I discuss this out-loud but internally I'm screaming. I just want SOMEONE to tell me I'm not crazy for thinking I may have a legitimate issue worth addressing. I'm so scared my concerns and fears will be shrugged off and dismissed.

Again, I am sorry for this and apologize for the length. I just had to tell anyone what I was feeling, even if it's a bunch of people I do not know.

You really sound like an Aspie to me. I don't know which country you are in so I don't know the system there. You could do the AQ10 test and take it with you and ask to be referred to an ASC specialist and one who particularly is knowledgeable about female presentation. If you search for "AQ10 test autism research centre" you will find it and don't worry. I know that's easier to say than do but anxiety is frequently part of being on the spectrum and the more anxious you are the more difficult it gets to put yourself across. Perhaps write some bullet points down in case you get tongue-tied.

The worst that can happen is what you fear, and in a way, that's not bad, as by bringing up your problems that you have with a doctor and then another professional, can help you in regard to those problems (if you haven't talked about them much if at all to anyone, it can help if you do to a professional. Well, that's what I found).

Not being autistic isn't a bad thing; that'd be what you hope for if you're distressed by your problems. This means the things you have can perhaps be worked on if they cause you distress. You can't really do much for autism.

You sound like you have many AS traits to me. The important thing to remember is there are many therapists in the world, and if you don't like how you are dealt with by that one, find a new one.

I also found that having things written down helps to remember once in the therapist office. I would go blank without the paper.

I am not a psychologist; i am just a person who is very interested in psychology, but you seem like an Aspie that also has OCD.


The OCD part is because you said you feel something bad will happen if you don't do your calculations.

Be sure to bring a copy of the letter, you wrote on this page, - just for safety, if you should get toung tied.

Emmygog, you are right to regard dealings with doctors with trepidation. I was in and out of countless doctors' offices in the late eighties and early nineties trying to find out what was wrong with me, and only got grief for my troubles. When I turned 45, I had a lot of trouble sleeping for a while. Since no doctor would prescribe me Valium, I went to see a psychiatrist, who wasn't exactly helpful. Once I got up the nerve to ask her what my diagnosis was. She got very annoyed, said Asperger Syndrome, and went right on talking to me about inanities. Since my hearing is not good, I didn't hear exactly what she said, though that was my last visit with her.

Well, maybe six months later I was reading a column by my favorite psychologist and he mentioned AS in passing. It then clicked that this is what the psychiatrist said. I then immediately went to Wiki and looked up AS, and it was as if the article had been written describing me.

Since little can be done for AS by doctors, why would you want an official diagnosis? I went to see a psychologist after doing a good bit of research and essentially diagnosing myself, and she was just as bad as the psychiatrist. I needed a diagnosis for my health insurance, and she told me that an official diagnosis was a real ordeal and she wasn't interested. I never went back to her either. For me, I've gotten more from the people here at WP than I have from all the doctors put together.

Well, I think getting a diagnosis and counseling is a good idea. Also reading the articles on WrongPlanet is very good. It took me years to integrate knowledge about Asperger's into my life. I'm a bit more comfortable about life, knowing why I had so many difficulties, having figured out some workarounds, having worked out when the problem is me from when the problem is them.
My husband used to drive me insane by suddenly switching schedules or plans. My rage was my problem from aspie rigidity, not his from his flexibility to changing situations. So now, when things are suddenly altered, I take a deep breath and think flexibility, not wishy-washy, and get over it. We discussed how I view declarative sentences as promises, and he views declarative sentences as conditional. He is getting more careful about how he states things around me, and I am realizing he is not always breaking promises to me.
I can also forgive people for thinking I am weird.
And I love Spongebob and Ed, Edd, and Eddy.
Knowledge is good.

You definitely seem like an Aspie to me. Not one of the more extreme of the Aspies, but still one. After all it is a spectrum. And may I say that by your profile picture you are the most beautiful Aspie that I have ever seen?

I was very, very nervous too, but my GP was way more supportive than I thought she would be and agreed with me completely. For what it's worth, I think you are definitely someone with a lot of Aspie traits, and if you aren't listened to, you definitely won't be the first person who has had their concerns dismissed, it doesn't mean your case isn't valid or real.

I agree with your last sentence. The doctors are frequently crap.