I realize I still have problems with tact
So I can say things in a nice way but I came across this and got stumped on some of the questions. In real life I will go I don't know or shrug because I don't know the answer to a question or just say it abruptly what is on my mind. But here were my natural responses, what are yours.
This test is at the level of a 9-11 year old.
1. For Christmas, your grandmother gives you a sweatshirt which you think is ugly. She asks how
you like it. What should you say?
(felt stumped here and had to think of an answer) It's fine
2. You are watching TV and the phone rings. Your mom answers it and tells you it’s Jane. You
don’t like Jane and don’t want to talk to her. What should you say?
I don't want to talk, I'm busy.
3. Your friend gets a new baby sister and you think it is the ugliest baby you’ve ever seen. Your
friend asks you, “Isn’t she the cutest?” What should you say?
No. I think mine is the cutest than all the other babies like all parents do about their kids.
4. Your teacher is walking down the hallway with a piece of trash stuck to her shoe heel. What
should you say?
You have something stuck to your shoe (points to it)
5. Your friend has been talking for 10 minutes with a big piece of broccoli stuck between his teeth.
What should you say?
You have something between your teeth (points to the spot on her teeth)
6. You are visiting your friend’s house and your friend’s mom serves liver and onions for dinner,
which you think is disgusting. What should you say?
I don't like this meal but everyone has their own taste in food so I am sure you still did a good job with it
Are these tactful enough? I still get told I am too honest or too blunt or say hurtful things or people laugh at what I say.
_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed.
Daughter: NT, no diagnoses.
you like it. What should you say?
(felt stumped here and had to think of an answer) It's fine
Tactful response: Thank you for being so thoughtful Grandma!
don’t like Jane and don’t want to talk to her. What should you say?
I don't want to talk, I'm busy.
Tactful response: ??? It really depends on why I don't like her. That would determine how tactful I might try to be LOL
friend asks you, “Isn’t she the cutest?” What should you say?
No. I think mine is the cutest than all the other babies like all parents do about their kids.
Tactful response: Wow, she'll probably grow up to look just like you! I can see the resemblance!
should you say?
You have something stuck to your shoe (points to it)
I think your response is fine.
What should you say?
You have something between your teeth (points to the spot on her teeth)
I think this is fine too. But if there were a lot of people around I would just get their attention and point to my teeth where the broccoli is stuck in theirs. This is the usual tactful way to do it, I don't know why, especially because most other people have probably already seen it too.
which you think is disgusting. What should you say?
I don't like this meal but everyone has their own taste in food so I am sure you still did a good job with it
Tactful response: Thank you for cooking for us! Um, I'm not feeling very well and don't really have an appetite right now. Would you mind if I just had some water?
whirlingmind
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Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,130
Location: 3rd rock from the sun
This test is at the level of a 9-11 year old.
1. For Christmas, your grandmother gives you a sweatshirt which you think is ugly. She asks how
you like it. What should you say?
(felt stumped here and had to think of an answer) It's fine
Mine: well, it's not really my style but it's really thoughtful of you. (because otherwise how do you explain not wearing it and it's a family member so easier to be honest)
2. You are watching TV and the phone rings. Your mom answers it and tells you it’s Jane. You
don’t like Jane and don’t want to talk to her. What should you say?
I don't want to talk, I'm busy.
Mine: I would whisper or gesticulate something to indicate no.
3. Your friend gets a new baby sister and you think it is the ugliest baby you’ve ever seen. Your
friend asks you, “Isn’t she the cutest?” What should you say?
No. I think mine is the cutest than all the other babies like all parents do about their kids.
Mine: Something similar to you probably.
4. Your teacher is walking down the hallway with a piece of trash stuck to her shoe heel. What
should you say?
You have something stuck to your shoe (points to it)
Mine: The same.
5. Your friend has been talking for 10 minutes with a big piece of broccoli stuck between his teeth.
What should you say?
You have something between your teeth (points to the spot on her teeth)
Mine: The same.
6. You are visiting your friend’s house and your friend’s mom serves liver and onions for dinner,
which you think is disgusting. What should you say?
I don't like this meal but everyone has their own taste in food so I am sure you still did a good job with it
Mine: I'm so sorry, I don't eat liver. Don't worry I can have a sandwich or some toast.
Are these tactful enough? I still get told I am too honest or too blunt or say hurtful things or people laugh at what I say.
I don't know if yours are tactful enough because I have always had trouble with this too. I would also have an absolutely pounding heart and high anxiety at being asked those questions, whereas an NT would just roll a lie off the tongue probably without giving it a 2nd thought.
_________________
*Truth fears no trial*
DX AS & both daughters on the autistic spectrum
No. I think mine is the cutest than all the other babies like all parents do about their kids.
Tactful response: Wow, she'll probably grow up to look just like you! I can see the resemblance!
LMAO! Naughty! Me like!
I know the tactful responses but I likely wouldn't have given them in most cases. For instance I wouldn't lie about the food, I might be served it again and I'm likely to barf if I push it on myself, so I would admit to not liking the meal. Hen's liver is awful btw! Had it once, thought it was minced meat. Boy it wasn't!
And I totally agree with mikassyna regarding "Jane". It would depend on why I didn't like her.
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Concurring with the previous posters, I found your answers to be tactful enough.
Nevertheless, here are my somewhat-but-not-really-tactful answers.
(Assuming my grandmothers were still alive) "This isn't usually the style I go for, but I should be able to do something very creative with it."
I would probably suck it up and speak to Jane anyways, largely due to the fact that people only call me when the matter is urgent.
I have never met a child that I have not genuinely found to be adorable; if such a case were to ever arise, however, I would probably reply something along the lines of:
(Allowing a small chuckle) "She's something else!"
"Excuse me, Miss/Sir; you have something suck to the back of your shoe."
If the friend and I were alone, I would simply state, "Hey, there's a piece of broccoli in your teeth."
If we were in company, I would either gesture to my teeth or send said friend a text.
"I'm so sorry, but I'm a vegetarian." (which I actually am)
If I were not a vegetarian, I would probably place the tiniest bit possible on my plate; when questioned about the scarcity, I would state that I am not very hungry due to having ate a larger meal earlier that day.
daydreamer84
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Joined: 8 Jul 2009
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,001
Location: My own little world
Here are some answers I've given to similar questions in the past. I'm not tactful either.
you like it. What should you say?
I hesitated for a long time and then said "Yes" in a very sullen, probably unconvincing way. In my case it was my step-mom giving it to me for my birthday.
don’t like Jane and don’t want to talk to her. What should you say?
TO mum: "Noooo, I don't want to talk to her" To her: In annoyed voice "I can't talk now..I'm watching a TV show".
friend asks you, “Isn’t she the cutest?” What should you say?
This has never happened to me. I'd probably respond to her the same way I did to my step-mum in the first situation, say nothing for a long time and then realize I'm supposed to say yes and say "yes" but probably not convincingly.
should you say?
I'd point it out and tell her she has something stuck to her shoe like you did.
What should you say?
"There's something stuck in your teeth" (points it out). Have done this.
which you think is disgusting. What should you say?
In my case it was at my aunt's and she had roast beef. I just didn't eat it and when she asked why not I said "I don't like roast beef". This was this year, at 28 years old. All of these examples are fairly recent, sadly.
I don't know....I'm told I'm too honest and blunt by my family too. I think telling someone they have something between their teeth or on their shoes is okay but as someone else mentioned you're supposed to do it quietly if other people are around.
* EDIT- For the present I didn't like and ugly baby situations , I do know the tactful response. I know I;m supposed to smile and say yes "so cute" or "so nice" ect. The situation with my step-mum might be a bad example. There's something I don't like about her....our personalities clash (she's a good person though) and my non-verbal cues always reflect this dislike. I would try to smile while saying yes I like a present normally, I think. I'm still not sure how convincing I'd be but I'd try not to look sullen and would lie about this if asked directly. If I wasn't asked if I liked it I'd just say thank you and not say whether I liked it or not.
Last edited by daydreamer84 on 07 Jun 2013, 10:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
1. For Christmas, your grandmother gives you a sweatshirt which you think is ugly. She asks how
you like it. What should you say?
Smile and say thank you...plus try to hide my reaction to it. I don't want her to feel hurt...so lying here is ok and is expected.
2. You are watching TV and the phone rings. Your mom answers it and tells you it’s Jane. You
don’t like Jane and don’t want to talk to her. What should you say?
I tell her I'm busy and keep saying this like this until she gets my point. Unless she is on the spectrum: then I would be more direct.
3. Your friend gets a new baby sister and you think it is the ugliest baby you’ve ever seen. Your
friend asks you, “Isn’t she the cutest?” What should you say?
Smile and say aww...and then ask her more questions about the baby so I'm not forced to look at it, haha. Babies are so ugly in general...they look like little trolls!
4. Your teacher is walking down the hallway with a piece of trash stuck to her shoe heel. What
should you say?
You have something stuck to your shoe (points to it)
5. Your friend has been talking for 10 minutes with a big piece of broccoli stuck between his teeth.
What should you say?
You have something between your teeth (points to the spot on her teeth)
6. You are visiting your friend’s house and your friend’s mom serves liver and onions for dinner,
which you think is disgusting. What should you say?
Sorry, I'm a vegetarian (which I am )
_________________
Given a “tentative” diagnosis as a child as I needed services at school for what was later correctly discovered to be a major anxiety disorder.
This misdiagnosis caused me significant stress, which lessened upon finding out the truth about myself from my current and past long-term psychiatrists - that I am a highly sensitive person but do not have an autism spectrum disorder
My diagnoses - anxiety disorder, depression and traits of obsessive-compulsive disorder (all in remission).
I’m no longer involved with the ASD world.
OliveOilMom
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Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,447
Location: About 50 miles past the middle of nowhere
This test is at the level of a 9-11 year old.
1. For Christmas, your grandmother gives you a sweatshirt which you think is ugly. She asks how
you like it. What should you say?
(felt stumped here and had to think of an answer) It's fine
"Oh I love it! Thank you!"
2. You are watching TV and the phone rings. Your mom answers it and tells you it’s Jane. You
don’t like Jane and don’t want to talk to her. What should you say?
I don't want to talk, I'm busy.
I'd tell Jane "I'm about to walk out the door, I'm sorry, let me call you back later ok?" or if Jane hadn't heard her tell me the phone is for me I'd tell her to say I just left.
3. Your friend gets a new baby sister and you think it is the ugliest baby you’ve ever seen. Your
friend asks you, “Isn’t she the cutest?” What should you say?
No. I think mine is the cutest than all the other babies like all parents do about their kids.
"Oh, she is! She's beautiful!"
4. Your teacher is walking down the hallway with a piece of trash stuck to her shoe heel. What
should you say?
You have something stuck to your shoe (points to it)
Same
5. Your friend has been talking for 10 minutes with a big piece of broccoli stuck between his teeth.
What should you say?
You have something between your teeth (points to the spot on her teeth)
As soon as you notice it, tell her. Point to your teeth and say "You have something right there", not after 10 minutes.
6. You are visiting your friend’s house and your friend’s mom serves liver and onions for dinner,
which you think is disgusting. What should you say?
I don't like this meal but everyone has their own taste in food so I am sure you still did a good job with it
"We are having something special at home, so I'm going to wait and eat there" or "I should have said something, I'm stuck on this vegetarian diet for another couple of weeks, I'll just have some bread/potatoes/salad" or even "Oh, no thank you, you all go on ahead I'm just not really hungry. I have to go make a phone call anyway"
Are these tactful enough? I still get told I am too honest or too blunt or say hurtful things or people laugh at what I say.
Sometimes in minor things it's best to lie and say the nice thing rather than to tell the truth and be rude or hurtful. The liver is one thing where depending on the person who cooked it it's probably ok to say "I just can't eat liver, I'm sorry" because a lot of people hate liver.
_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.
The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com
daydreamer84
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Joined: 8 Jul 2009
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,001
Location: My own little world
I agree with you to a certain extent but if someone gives you a gift and asks if you like it there's no real point in being honest about that. They already bought it and gave it to you.....it wouldn't accomplish anything to tell them you didn;t like it and it would hurt their feelings. Or if you thought someone's baby was ugly.....telling them that will only hurt them and they can't really do anything about it....unless there's plastic surgery for infants....which is probably inadvisable anyway. I wouldn't go out of my way to tell someone I liked a present I didn't like, I'd just say thank you and leave it at that unless they specifically asked..same with the baby situation, I wouldn;t mention it unless they asked me directly if I thought it (he or she)was cute. Then again I'd want to know if I had something stuck to my shoe or caught in my teeth. Also when people say "we should get together sometime" but they don't really want to spend time with you "just to be polite" that's just confusing and mis-leading and I'd appreciate someone not going out of their way to say that. It's unkind because I think I have a friend (someone who wants to spend time with me and then it hurts me when they don't. SO I think it depends on the situation.
1. For Christmas, your grandmother gives you a sweatshirt which you think is ugly. She asks how
you like it. What should you say?
(Find something about it you like. There has to be something.) "I love the color...softness...fit." (Just pick the one thing you did like, and hope it won't mean you get the same thing next year.) Then hug grandma and/or tell her you love her. Because that's the most important thing to a grandma.
2. You are watching TV and the phone rings. Your mom answers it and tells you it’s Jane. You
don’t like Jane and don’t want to talk to her. What should you say?
Mouth or whisper to your Mom, "tell her I am in the bathroom." Also tell her to say something similar every time Jane phones, until your feelings change toward Jane. (I'm not big on talking to people when one or the other dislikes the other one.)
3. Your friend gets a new baby sister and you think it is the ugliest baby you’ve ever seen. Your
friend asks you, “Isn’t she the cutest?” What should you say?
Like with the shirt. Pick one thing that is cute. Then say "What a cute...dimple" or whatever you picked. I think this tactic is fair since I don't think a polite person asks a leading question like that. Lol
4. Your teacher is walking down the hallway with a piece of trash stuck to her shoe heel. What
should you say?
Go up close so no one else can hear and tell her. You are doing her a favor.
(ETA: if that is not possible, I have done the following for someone who is trailing a sheet of toilet paper roll behind their shoe but doesn't know it: Silently but quickly sneak up behind them and just put the toe of your shoe on the end of the piece of paper. As they move forward, it will unstick from their shoe. Now carefully dislodge it from your own shoe and kick it to the wall where it can't stick to anyone else. This method works really well. It's best done without much ado.)
5. Your friend has been talking for 10 minutes with a big piece of broccoli stuck between his teeth.
What should you say?
Try to subtly point to your own teeth, and hope your friend catches on. If not, find a way to tell them by a whisper in their ear or a note or something.
6. You are visiting your friend’s house and your friend’s mom serves liver and onions for dinner,
which you think is disgusting. What should you say?
Don't say anything. Eat around it as best you can. If all else fails, chop it into tiny pieces, and when everyone else is about done, that's when to begin 'eating' the food. But actually just put a few bites in your mouth, ask if you can be excused, then go to the bathroom and quietly spit it into the toilet and flush. By the time you return to the table hopefully the plate has been taken away. (I used to do that one as a child when we had steak.)
Plan B would be to hope they have a dog and feed it under the table. (Make sure it can eat whatever the food is without harm.)
OP, I don't think your replies were all that bad!
1. For Christmas, your grandmother gives you a sweatshirt which you think is ugly. She asks how
you like it. What should you say?
*puts it on* "It's really warm!" (this avoids what it looks like entirely, while still complimenting with what is technically the truth)
2. You are watching TV and the phone rings. Your mom answers it and tells you it’s Jane. You
don’t like Jane and don’t want to talk to her. What should you say?
"Please, no." *is handed the phone anyway* *Gives monosyllabic answers to Jane, until Jane gives up.*
3. Your friend gets a new baby sister and you think it is the ugliest baby you’ve ever seen. Your
I like previous poster's suggestion, "She looks so much like you!"
4. Your teacher is walking down the hallway with a piece of trash stuck to her shoe heel. What
should you say?
"Got something on your shoe there." <---But ONLY if I like them and am comfortable with them
5. Your friend has been talking for 10 minutes with a big piece of broccoli stuck between his teeth.
What should you say?
"Get that, please." or "Get that, or I'm getting that for you," the latter being if I really like them. The same way about tucking tags back into the shirt.
6. You are visiting your friend’s house and your friend’s mom serves liver and onions for dinner,
which you think is disgusting. What should you say?
I hope desperately that there are other side dishes that I can load up on. I don't eat the liver and onions, and reply, "I'm sorry, I don't eat red meat. (truth) Don't worry, though, I'm not that hungry anyway."
_________________
-- Wherever you go, there you are. --
Your AQ Test Score is: 41 EQ: 17
Aspie score: 148 of 200 NT score: 51 of 200 // RAADS-R: 186
_________________
Leading a double life and loving it (but exhausted).
Likely ADHD instead of what I've been diagnosed with before.
I quit buying presents when I was about 24. I used to do gift receipts so they can take it back or exchange it. It made it better that way.
_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed.
Daughter: NT, no diagnoses.
1. For Christmas, your grandmother gives you a sweatshirt which you think is ugly. She asks how
you like it. What should you say?
It's nice. (My real grandmother gave cash and didn't give crummy gifts.)
2. You are watching TV and the phone rings. Your mom answers it and tells you it’s Jane. You
don’t like Jane and don’t want to talk to her. What should you say?
*whispers to mother* Tell her I'm not home.
3. Your friend gets a new baby sister and you think it is the ugliest baby you’ve ever seen. Your
friend asks you, “Isn’t she the cutest?” What should you say?
No, I don't like babies and don't really find them to be cute. If I don't know them well just nod and agree to avoid conflict.
4. Your teacher is walking down the hallway with a piece of trash stuck to her shoe heel. What
should you say?
You have something stuck to your shoe.
5. Your friend has been talking for 10 minutes with a big piece of broccoli stuck between his teeth.
What should you say?
You have something between your teeth.
6. You are visiting your friend’s house and your friend’s mom serves liver and onions for dinner,
which you think is disgusting. What should you say?
I wouldn't eat it and tell them I'm not eating because I don't like that or leave and go home. (I like liver and onions though so the mean in the example would be something different)
Actually I don't think I ever had that scenario happen to me in my life. I don't think I ever ate over at a friend's house as a minor. My mother was overprotective and I had very few friends. I also didn't like to eat in front of other people. I think I remember a time or two when they ordered pizza and I didn't eat any because I don't like it. I don't care how rude it is. I'm not going to eat food I don't like to be polite or lie about not liking it for politeness. If I made something and someone didn't like it I'd rather know the reason was that they didn't like it was nothing personal and that they just didn't like that kind of food.
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