Dominant and submissive behaviour

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Having AS I realize I cannot properly be dominant and submissive in relation to others the way I am expected to be when socializing with NTs.

If I am "mentally dominant" over others in a social context, I get unbearable bad conscience for maltreating them.

If I am "mentally submissive" to others in a social context, I get angry with them for maltreating me.


Is it in any way possible to "learn" these social skills of behaving dominant and submissive? I see they are extremely important to be able to integrate with NTs naturally.

Feel your pain. I think I know the solution but it’s beyond me to implement properly.

Try being neither over-archingly?

Maybe all you can do for this is, if you have a dominant mode and a submissive mode, switch more often between them. Like, if you're acting one way, and you notice that something might be getting out of hand, switch modes to counterbalance it.

Like if you have a strong opinion about something, and you're being dominant, and you notice that someone else is getting upset about it, switch to the submissive mode, where you're seeking their opinion and will agree with them about some things. I dunno.

I feel the biggest problem about this is enjoying being in one of those positions to others.

I realize NTs prefer to be dominant, but due to group pressure they need to find their place in the group and be dominant to individuals below them, while being submissive to individuals above them.

I just seem to not be able to enjoy being in those kind of relations, but I know it is because my need for company is not strong enough. So one would really have to change that, somehow.


I can be alone for long periods of time and not feel too bad, sometimes even good. I know many NTs could not endure that, they would get depressed.

I personally don't think that dominant/submissive is useful or perhaps even accurate for most forms of social interaction.

It has likely evolved from that to a degree, (evolved in the very literal sense) and you certainly see it in obvious hierarchical systems, but in something like an acquaintance or a friendship, it doesn't work that way. For those types of interactions, there is a give and a take, talking and listening, supporting and being supported. It's action response.

You act neither dominant or submissive, not that I notice, on these forums for instance.

I was not aware that in order to be dominant you had to mistreat someone.

Can you not dominate kindly?

You can only dominate kindly when the other person doesn't also want to be dominant.

In which case does anyone have to dominate? Or could they bargin or take turns (switch) or just well...

Why do people need to dominate?

When you are social enough, being dominated does not feel like mistreatment ("bullying" is just seen as "teasing").

On the other hand, when you are not very social (having AS for instance), being dominated can easily feel like mistreatment ("bullying" is seen as a real attack).


The lack of being able to act dominating and submissive is a big part of the reason we cannot properly integrate with NTs. We can learn what to do, but it seems to be impossible to come to like doing that. So I wonder if anyone has any advice on that.

I surely agree with you. "Loose"/non-committing interaction like the one we have here, does not require dominance and/or submission. We are equal individuals talking.

But when you have to for instance work together with NTs, it becomes necessary because of their social nature. Whenever rules about who makes the decisions are required, some form of dominant/submissive behavior is needed.

I suggest looking into the theory of Transactional Analysis, "I'm OK, you're OK" is probably the most accessible and comprehensive book on the subject.

TA sees dominant/submissive relations in social and work situations as being fundamentally unhealthy, and offers strategies to deal with these behaviours if you encounter them.

Try re-framing from dominant/submissive to leading/following. That removes the "maltreatment" subtext. You can lead people without mistreating the. You can follow people without being mistreated. You can toggle back and forth between these modes as the situation requires.

I'm not sure I understand, but maybe 'assertiveness' is what you should be going for? Meaning you have the right to stand up for your own needs, without trampling anyone else's.

I think you answered yourself. If "being dominated does not feel like mistreatment" to the other person, you are not actually mistreating them. You just feel like you are because your own values are different.

I prefer to be kind to people and treat them as equals. And most of the time, if people are rude or nasty to me I will just take the high road and walk away from it. It's not worth it to me to fight it. I might end up saying and doing things I don't want to do, things that feel like I'm not being true to myself.

But if someone keeps giving me s**t and won't back off, I have no qualms about handing it back to them, and I don't feel bad because they brought it on themselves. I don't especially like it or enjoy it, I just look at it as something that has to be done. I look at it as advocating for myself.