Son has mild Aspergers?

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My son, who is now 21 has always been, well different.
His behaviour has always been a source of great pain for me, and now that he is semi launched it Still hurts. i have seen some improvement, but he so easily slips back. In a conversation with a friend about her husband the idea of Aperger's was placed in my brain. Now I am wondering if my son might have a mild case of Asperger's.
I wanted to see if you guys had any opinions so I will describe some of his stranger behaviours.

People have always described him as aloof, or shy. When small he wouldn't play with his peers, but hung around the grown ups at play group.

He never crawled, but started walking one day after seeing another toddler. It was very sudden, and at 15 months.

Ever since being born he would sleep a lot. I had to wake him up to feed him when brand new. The doctor said I should think my lucky stars. But I thought sleeping 22 hours a day was not right. His day,night cycle has always been reversed. He has to really work at being diurnal even now.

He has always had trouble looking you in the eye when spoken to. This is getting better.

He refuses to let me touch him in any way and has done so since about 6. This includes pats on the back or hugs. Recently when I picked him from the airport for a visit ( had not seen him for 6 months) he walked on by me after a hurried hello. Didn't miss a beat. He did not even stop.

He rarely has conversations. He will answer questions put to him by others, but never returns the interest or continues the conversation with his own comments or experiences. I saw him do this with others recently, so it's just not me.

He refuses to answer questions that he doesn't want to.

He refuses to answer my emails. He used to text me, but now has a different phone and we cannot text anymore.

He does not take care of his things well. Phones are often lost, computers broken, car is a mess. Gifts I have given him are left behind unused, ignored or never taken out of the box.

He won't let me know when he gets his check, or say thanks. I have to look at my bank account to see if the check was cashed.

His handwriting looks like chicken scratch and always has. His movements when writing are very fast and jerky. He can be clumsy and disorganised physically.

He has always had a long attention span and loves to read. Very interested in History, but refuses to do History at school. Is his best subject and would do great but is convinced there is no career for him in that. Although he has no other goals or thoughts on a career. He is a gifted writer and could do well in that, but refuses to try it.

He will zone out when being spoken to. He just blanks out.

One day he will say he has no friends, the next he says has plenty.
He will do this with money too. This, coupled with the refusal to interact with me much and to let me know about any future plans or goals has me very confused.

He is very smart, but refuses to try very hard and can pass with decent grades. In high school he skipped classes, and never did his homework. He said he was bored, but refused to try a better school. His teachers have always said he was very mature. Maybe he was just quiet?

He still has no idea what he wants to do in life. He is in Community College but has not graduated yet after two years. He refuses to talk to me about what he wants to do, and resents me asking. This is even though I and his father are paying his way.

He has trouble keeping a job, and they are always "boring".

He does really well in structured environments.
H almost joined the army and was quite defiant about doing so. But as soon as I started to be supportive of it, he refused to join. Very sudden and with explanation.

He is living away from home now. I sent him away thinking he hated me for divorcing his father. I thought that all of this was him just being angry. I thought it would be good for us both for him to go to school away from home.
He is 21 now, and although I think he might be getting better, out interactions always end up being problematic. I have been walking on eggs for years now, thinking it was bad parenting on my part. Even though I swear I have been a loving, nurturing and supportive mom from the get go. I loved being a mother.

Maybe it's not me after all? His father also has some of these qualities, like blanking you out all the time and acting like you are not even in the room.
Could he have Asperger's?

It's awfully difficult to comment on these behaviors without observing them, but he does seem to have some traits that may be related to Asperger's (particularly the social concerns you mentioned). A lot of the "irresponsible" behaviors (losing/breaking things, things being messy, not applying himself in school) could be related to executive functioning issues that are common in Asperger's, but they could also be indicative of a number of things... Although they might be "red flag" signs (which sounds a little scarier than it needs to be...), they are not in the diagnostic criteria for a spectrum diagnosis.
Think about his special interests... You mention History, but is there a particular part of history that he likes most of all? Does pursuing these interests ever get in the way of his daily life?
Think about the friendships that you know about and how he sustains those. Also think about more sensory concerns that he may have (you mentioned the hand on his back, but, again, that could be a lot of different things... what else is there?).
If you folks meet with a professional and learn about a diagnosis, this could certainly guide your son in terms of how to improve in these areas.

Can you explain this a little bit? In what ways has his behaviour caused you pain? Does he hit you, or is this purely an emotional response of yours to something that hedoes?

When you say there has been some improvement, can you explain what he did that you saw as bad and how it got better?

If he's autistic, or ecccentric, or very introverted, or all three, the biggest problem may actually be with translation. Autistic people don't communicate the way most people do; it's almost as though we have our own language. Whenever we try to communicate with NTs, we have to try to "speak" in a way that is utterly foreign to us, and we have a pronounced "accent". Similarly, NTs often interpret our behavior in NT ways. For an autistic person not to return your calls is quite normal, since it is not natural for many of us to initiate social contact. It means absolutely nothing, even though if that person were NT it might mean that they truly don't want to talk to you. For an autistic person, it's talking at all that's difficult (whether or not you had problems learning to speak). He probably doesn't know that you want him to acknowledge receiving the check. A typical autistic person might think, "I just cashed it, and she can see that I did, so she knows I got it. No communication necessary."

You're talking about him "refusing" to do a lot of things. I wonder whether this is actually the case, because I was also accused of "refusing" to do things. I was "so obviously smart" that I was supposed to be able to do those things if I just wanted to. The trouble was, I truly couldn't do many of those things. I didn't learn to clean a room until I was in my mid-teens; I didn't take regular showers without prompting until I was in my early twenties.

In order to do something, you don't just have to have the mental ability. You also have to know when to do it and when not to, you have to be able to remember to do it, and you have to be able to initiate and stop that particular action, and you have to be able to stop whatever thing you're currently doing to be able to do it. For autistic people that can be very complex, and literally impossible, or impossible without help. If he is indeed autistic, he may not be refusing to do things at all--he may simply be unable to do them. Sometimes, a gifted autistic will simply not see the point of schoolwork, especially when they already know what's in it, and won't work. We're not easily motivated by reward or punishment; at least, I'm not. Grades don't change my behavior. I can be threatened and tempted all you like, and it still won't change what I do. Only if something is intrinsically interesting--like your son's interest in history--am I able to concentrate at all. The good part of it is that when I do see the sense in doing something, and enjoy doing it, or judge it to be useful, I am usually very accurate and even somewhat efficient (working fast is hard for many autistics because of how focused we are on details, and tend to get lost in them).

It's actually possible that his teachers were right about him when they called him "mature". It's not too many people who can deal with undiagnosed autism, growing up, and survive with their sanity intact. It's entirely likely that he managed as well as he did because he had family support and a generally friendly environment. But autism is a newish diagnosis, and the stereotypes of "kid rocking in the corner" prevent many people from getting evaluated, and so they slip through the cracks and don't get diagnosed at all, or not until they're grown.

But he is grown, so really, this is his thing to decide on. As his mom, you probably owe it to him to tell him what you suspect, so that he can act on it if he wants. You could send him to WP, so he can ask questions of his own. The critical problems with ASDs aren't that we're odd and eccentric and do things differently; that will always be the case, and that's the way it works for us, because that's our normal. So don't get on his case about things he does that are only unusual. Heck, even things like eye contact aren't absolutely necessary; in some countries, it's considered rather rude, and some autistics find that they can listen better when they're not looking (my own solution to the distracting nature of eye contact is to gaze into the distance and focus on listening).

Talk about the specific problems that this has caused for him, and that, if he has an ASD or something like one, he might be able to hire a therapist or coach to teach him how to work around those ASD-related weaknesses. He might be able to learn to communicate with you more effectively, and you might be able to learn how to interpret his communication more easily--"speak his language", so to say. It might also be useful in his search for a career or a university major.

When you say he is a source of great pain for you, are you talking about his aloofness and seeming indifferent? It may be that he finds it difficult to interpret and/or express his emotions. You say he is clumsy and has handwriting like chicken scratch, could be sensory processing disorder or poor ability in sequencing and planning motor movements. He sounds a lot like my grandson.
Don't beat yourself up over him seeming aloof, its not you. Just accept that he cannot express these things. It's important that he gets some help in finding the motivation to do well in his studies and find a career he can excel at. I am sure he appreciates that you have been a loving, nurturing, and supportive mom.

Yes. It's like, if he were blind, you couldn't get frustrated for him not being able to recognize your face.... Autism makes it hard to know how to communicate emotion. We might feel sad, or joyful, and just have our faces look quite blank. It can even be dangerous sometimes, if we're in pain and it doesn't show, especially if we're too overloaded to tell somebody. But the feelings are there.

For an autistic person, love is like--safety, predictability, comfort. The people we love and trust are the people who are dependable. When something hurt, Mom made it better. When something was confusing, Mom helped us deal with it. We're as attached to our parents as any other children. (This has been studied--autistic children, when stress is measured by physiological measures, like heart rate, are just as upset when Mom leaves the room and just as comforted when she comes back.)

What autism makes hard, in terms of socializing, is communication. Now, communication isn't just words--it's the expression on your face, the way your body moves, even the clothes you wear. And you have to read all those things off everybody else, too--at the same time as you're sending the right signals yourself. Add to that, you have to talk, listen to the other person, and make up what you are going to say next, all at once on the spot--and don't forget to make sure your face doesn't go blank while you're thinking about what to say, and remember your eye contact--no, don't stare too long, just enough!--See what I mean? Communicating is juggling a lot of balls at once, and we autistics aren't very good jugglers.

Most people's brains are wired up to make those things easy to do all at once--to the point that I think we can legitimately call NTs communication savants. Anyone who learned a foreign language to fluency at the age of two would be called a genius... but NTs learn their first language just that well at that age.

When you're autistic, that doesn't come naturally to you. It's harder and more awkward to learn, and harder and more awkward to do. Even once you've learned it, it takes more effort and it's slower, and you can't coordinate everything at once near as well as most people can. Words are usually easier, and writing easier than talking--it really depends on the person, though; some people do body language better and some even have an easier time communicating with animals.

Sometimes we show too much emotion, or not enough, or we forget to let the other person get a word in edgewise... It's just tough. But communication problems doesn't mean we don't have anything to say, and just because we look like we're not feeling something doesn't mean we don't. We might not know that someone we love wants us to tell them that we love them, because we just assume they know.

When I say he has caused me great pain, I didn't mean physically. I mean that his refusal to be part of the family unit, to be friendly or to contribute.
H has gotten a bit better since he left home, but not all the way better. H knows that a thank you is in order if his step dads family give him a gift. they treated as their own but he has only just now begun to act politely towards them.

He still will not walk with me, and will walk very separate from the group. He still will not talk with me in a friendly casual manner and then later on an unrelated matter will bring it up that I won't talk to him.

He claims I will not give him motherly advice although I spent two hours not too long ago talking to him about an issue he had with a girl that is his friend, but that he wants to be.

He will tell me that he "has no idea what I'm doing" when it comes to catching a plane flight. So I have to write out step by step instructions and then he tells me I treat him like a 12 year old.

His bills and food and everything is being paid for by his parents, but he gets angry if he is asked about his plans or what he is hoping to do in life. A far as I can tell, he has no plans or ideas. He loves history, but not as obsessive as I have read about. He used to be into the War in Europe (WWII) but now it's more about Ancient Greece.

From the comments he made whilst he was still texting me I get the feeling that he has few friends but only aquantiences. He never wanted to join sports teams or school trips or clubs. I am a bit of a loner myself, but he was way more so than me.

I don't know. I'm just grasping at straws. All I know is that he has always been different, and I decided not to badger him to be like everyone else because it would be hurtful and make him feel badly about himself and about me.
He has always been very awkward in social situations and would always prefer to be alone.
He often seems not to understand why saying thank you can be important, or why blanking someone out when they are speaking to them is rude.


He's just such a lost soul as far as I can tell from here. I always endevored to be a good mother and to have a warm and happy home. It just didn't happen. I have to admit that his behaviour has been a large part as ti why it didnt happen. He has alienated a lot of people. I just have to come to terms with the idea that my son does not want to have a normal, friendly relationship with me. I often get the idea that he just doesn't know how.

Yes, his handwriting is very small and scratchy. In the past anyway, he got lower grades on tests because it couldn't be read. He types well though.

I know you guys don't know me, but I am flummoxed about the whole thing. I see lots of sons who have terrible childhoods but still love and act nicely towards their mom. My son has had every advantage in life and still seem stuck behind a dark curtain. My contact with him is very scant and he rarely responds to my emails. I long ago gave up on phoning him. He just won't talk to me on the phone.
He texted me for a while and I was overjoyed....but he lost is 6 month old iPhone and replaced it with a Samsung. I live in Canada and he in the US. He says he's not getting any texts from me now. The imessage thing was godsend and he started it. Now that is gone and I am back in the dark, writing checks and never knowing what's happening. I don't mind him being a loner, I don't mind him being eccentric. But I do mind him being rude. Ad I do mind him believing that I have no right to know about his life. I'm not looking for deep and dark, although I would welcome knowing my son that way, but just normal everyday casual relating.


I think he might have mild Aspergers which would explain the social things, but I must have been a inadequate mother too to engender such resentment. There might be two things going on here. I don't know ...

I don't think he resents you. I think he just doesn't have any instinct to initiate social contact with you, or possibly with anyone else. I don't contact my mom very much, either. It just doesn't occur to me to pick up the phone. Same goes for friends. The closest friends I have, I see maybe once a week, and that only because we go to the same weekly event together. Without that, I contact friends maybe once every two or three months, and usually because they contacted me and I replied. This is not resentment, rudeness, or even a lack of love. Communicating just doesn't come naturally to us. If you want to take that personally, fine, but if he truly doesn't dislike you and just doesn't naturally initiate social contact with people, why should you read negativity into it when it isn't there?

Not every autistic person is like this, but some of us are. We're described as having an "aloof" social style, and we're the extreme introverts of the autism world. It can mean an Aspie who has no social contact for ages, or at the extreme end, someone who never bothers to learn to talk because it doesn't occur to him that other people don't already know everything he does. Either way, it doesn't mean that we hate people. I do not, in fact, hate people; I'm actually a psychology major (experimental, not clinical, and working to develop technology, not with people), and I think people are fascinating. I care deeply about human beings, and I do a lot of volunteer work. When I am informed that someone has been hurt or that a tragedy has occurred, I have a deep need to fix it, to fix the whole world. I have very little social anxiety and I can even enjoy being with people. I just don't really have a need to socialize.

(The other main social styles, if you were wondering, are "active-but-odd", the who tends to be eccentric, outgoing, and often oblivious to how strange other people find him, and the shy/anxious style, which is common among those who are very sensitive and who often know exactly how odd they are, and who often find themselves paralyzed by the overwhelming task of socializing, seeming more shy than aloof.)

Point being, if your son's autistic, you're misreading him, and chances are that he likes you just fine--he just doesn't like constant (or even regular) social contact.

Autistic people often take longer to learn how to relate to people and be polite because of immature theory of mind.

This also could be related to theory of mind. He may be frustrated and unable to communicate what he expects you to already to know about him because you are his mother and he feels close to you. This is hard to explain and it may seem to not make sense to you but there is a reason behind it,

Poor executive functioning is also common in autism. Things like catching a plane flight can be confusing and complicated, even for a very intelligent person.
No one can diagnose your son over the Internet, and he is an adult, so it is up to him if he wants to seek therapy. I don't know the dynamics of the relationship between you and your son, but I think it would help you to research autism and try to understand the reason for your son's behavior. It may help to talk to a professional about it also. That could enable you to accept him the way he is and understand that he is not flawed and that his behavior is the result of cognitive differences. You may need to adjust your perception of how you think your son should behave to the reality of his personality and how he thinks. This may or may not be easy for you but I think in the long run it will help you form a closer bond with your son and also enable you to give him the kind of help that he needs.

His lack of empathy, lack of normal eye contact, and lack of social cues (walking right by you at the airport without a hug) all seems to indicate he meets some of the symptoms of autism, meaning there is a chance he may have it. On the other hand, he could have social anxiety or something else. I think the best solution is to see a professional. THAT IS THE ONLY WAY YOU WILL FIND OUT! Good luck.

Other possibility:

http://books.google.pt/books?id=ubG51n2NgfwC&pg=PA378

He sounds like a lazy sod, AS or not, there's no excuse for much of his behaviour.

Part of the problem with disabilities like autism spectrum disorders is that the behaviors that are part of the condition are frequently misunderstood and mischaracterized as misbheavior and character flaws, rather than understood to be an element of being on the spectrum.

Comments like this only feed into the assumption that this is all voluntary and we could all just easily change if we really wanted to. But if that were the case, autism wouldn't exist.

Honestly he sounds like having AS to me, the OP touched on the majority of the major indicaters that I can think of. Sure anyone can be lazy however I can't see any evidance of lazyness to be honest.

I know that I have difficulty understanding why my husband's parents insist on calling regularly to "check up on him" and why he feels like he has to go visit them ever so often. I usually don't talk to my parents unless one of us needs something, it's a holiday/birthday, or we're in some kind of a fight. If my parents pestered me constantly about what I'm doing, I would probably shut down even more. It just doesn't make sense to me. It's also hard to explain what I'm thinking sometimes, so it gets frustrating when people either don't understand what I'm saying or they have a negative reaction. Also, sometimes when I look like I'm tuning a person out I'm usually listening to what they are saying and they don't realize it because I'm not "giving nonverbal feedback," which usually makes them uncomfortable when I try to do it.

Also, I can say as a person who was constantly tagged as being super intelligent/full of potential/etc that it's much more difficult to actually be in a workplace working with others once you complete your education. I have four degrees, two undergraduate and two graduate. I have a government job, and it's really, really difficult for me to deal with the office politics, noise, coworker relations, etc. My parents could not afford to pay for my school or living expenses. I did receive some scholarships and I worked while in school, but most of my grad school stuff was paid for by student loans. Now I have a lot of debt so I have to work and it is really, really difficult to navigate through it all. I would have preferred if someone had realized that my social issues would override my intelligence once I got into the job market. Perhaps you should listen to your son when he resists all of your "career help" because you may be setting him up for disaster once he graduates and enters the workforce.