Sudden Outbursts of Anger

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I realized a few hours ago that I might have more issues than I thought. Before you read my long post, it is important to know that I usually have no emotions: I am nearly always apathetic/bored. Here is the story:

I was helping my grandmother move to a new house. While I was changing the lamps in the house (until yesterday, I lived in that house. My mother and I moved out and we forgot our lamps in the house), my grandmother (who is a grumpy old witch, not so different from me after all) was asking me to change the lamps from one room to another, in order to put the brighter ones in the more important rooms.

Anyway, while I was doing that, the guy who was helping us (for a price, of course) was joking about the time I was taking. I told him in the rudest voice tone I could that I would take as long as it would need. I really hate when people try to hurry me up. When I finished (I only took a few minutes, fifteen at most), he was joking about it and asking if I would help carry the things now. When he said that, I suddenly lost control and screamed at everybody that I would leave them to do all the work by themselves if they would begin to hurry me up. A fraction of a second later (literally, and I know exactly the meaning of the word "literally" versus "virtually"), I thought I should not just make idle threats and just got out of the house. The keys of my new house were with my mother, but I just did not care and told them (still screaming) that I would just wait outside of my house and that they should just fend for themselves.

I regretted doing that a few seconds afterwards, but I decided not to go back. After less than two minutes, I had already calmed down enough to go back to my default state of apathy. And I realized that I probably have one of those "anger management issues" kids talk so much about these days (honestly, I think I am merely a terrible person).

It also made me realize that things like that have been happening a lot lately, due to the problems inherent to commuting. Specifically, some people walk slowly and block the passage. I really hate that and I go out of my way to push people out of the way when that happens. I got in a short physical fight inside a bus because of that (I actually blocked every blow I would receive and elbowed the man – who was much taller than me – twice, while calling him a few obscene names). Two middle-aged women who were blocking a staircase on another occasion complained about my behavior, to which I replied that they should go f**k themselves. And other similar things happened. A smart enough person could actually sue me (or even get me arrested) over that. I am losing control.

The question I am trying to ask is: is this to be expected on the spectrum? Am I going crazy? Or am I just an as*hole? If I am just an as*hole, why does it feel so wrong? Has anyone ever gone through something like that?

I have said this elsewhere, but I will repeat here: my abnormal behavior is getting worse as I get older. I am not learning to live with it, as some people do: I am just wishing more and more that I could isolate myself from the rest of the world. The few qualities I have are disappearing while my shortcomings are taking over. And that is terrible.

I had dysthymia when I was your age, it was contributing to my hot temper, and such are often treated with SSRIs or with tricyclic antidepressants. just a thought.

I think exercise might help us release tension and sleep better etc.

I read an interview with Temple Grandin and she said she did a hundred situps every night before she went to sleep or else she would never sleep at night.

She also said it's ok for aspies or geeks in general to cry... maybe this anger you feel is really being hurt inside and you are not letting those emotions out and it turns to anger instead?

Temple Grandin interview/article

http://www.latimes.com/news/science/la- ... .htmlstory

A lot of it is meltdown related and I wouldn't call it just 'anger' but a mix of emotional and sensory triggers. Like if you are doing stuff too fast and you feel hurried, and you don't have time to just calm down it can trigger that. Some of those depression type pills work, or even supplements like SAMe and St. John's Wort, which worked for me when I was out of SSRIs. Keep your serotonin up, that's the key. Also make sure that you rest and recharge yourself, take a day and don't be all like #nodaysoff and stuff.

You all make very good points. There is no question that I have depression, although it was never severe enough for me to consider suicide (it is just enough for me to dislike life, though). However, I fit a lot of the criteria for dysthymia. And I am also tired due to work and university (and previously, school and an internship), which are responsible for my lack of sleep in the last 2 years or so (and it got a lot worse this year, since I only have 6 hours per day at home).

I sometimes do some exercises before sleeping (because it is the only free time I have). I have not noticed if there is any change in my behavior afterwards, but I will try to pay attention this week. However, sometimes I am too tired to do it (in the last few months, I have not been able to do more than 25 push ups at once, which is a ridiculously low number for me) and I do not do it. Anyway, I am going to try it again. If it does not produce results, I will probably need to see a doctor and take antidepressants (which I do not want to: I really dislike taking medication and I avoid doctors as much as I can).

But I cannot resolve some of that frustration. Some things I have to face, regardless of how I feel about them. Public transport, for example, at least until I get a license and a motorcycle (which I plan to do as soon as I have good ammount of money in my savings account). And, as much as I disliked it, I had to help with my own moving: it would be stupid to avoid it. And my grandmother's too, although I only helped load things in the truck and install the lamps, in the end.

One thing that I feel helps for sleep is melatonin, 1 milligram an hour before bed. Melatonin helps your body make serotonin, which is a chemical often lacking in autistic people. It's also why SSRI meds help many autistic folks who might not otherwise have depression of any sort.

I sometimes take 3mg melatonin to help with sleep.

I was reading about serotonin and it was mentioned that it can be found in bananas, dark chocolate and milk. Considering the copious ammounts of chocolate and milk (and both) I consume, not to mention one banana every morning, I believe it is safe to assume lack of serotonin is not my problem. However, the consequences of lacking serotonin are pretty much everything I have been feeling in recent years, therefore, I am not sure of what I should conclude here.

Be careful with dark chocolate and other oxalates. I found out I have problems with foods with high oxalates just recently and then I was researching oxalates and found that many people with autism have problems with oxalates as well.

Oxalates are something that plants produce as a defense mechanism to prevent things from eating them. Some people are more sensitive to it.

I will have to decrease my chocolate consumption? This cannot be happening! My life makes no sense without chocolate!

Seriously, this is bad news for me. I really like chocolate. On the other hand, I have never had any problems with urination and kidney stones. Maybe there is still hope for me?

^^^
all things in moderation except for moderation.

You're not an as*hole because you're aware that you may have hurt people and you care about it. Maybe speak to your doctor and ask about therapy or medication. I flip out at times but I always feel terrible afterwards and can't calm down, if you're going from rage to apathy that quick there might be an underlying issue. The stress of moving houses may be manifesting itself like that if you struggle releasing your emotions in a regular way.

I think your increased anger problem is an indication that you are not happy about many things and you are frustrated. I don't know what you are not happy about, but it might be something to do with problems caused by your autism (interaction with people, worry about the future etc). So in that sense being on the spectrum may be an indirect cause of your problem. Some people do lose their temper suddenly and very uncontrollably. They are not necessarily autistic people. It could sometimes get you in serious trouble. So I do agree that you should do something about it. I also agree that if you can, you should avoid antidepressants, although I have heard of cases they actually helped people fully recover from depression.

It's just my opinion. I don't think it's inherent to autism or your personality.

I honestly understand the frustration with the "blocking people". Often on the escalator or any sidewalk. I feel very angry with people very often because of that. I don't push people but I very noticeably squeeze through between people to get ahead of them. I'm a very fast walker and get frustrated whenever I go to a busy place.

I am, in fact, unhappy with a few things, like my lack of social skills and my strong feelings of inadequacy. I do not fit in anywhere. It gets boring after a few years. And my self-esteem is very low. Since I never show it outside of here, it could be the cause of my meltdown.