Advice for my 9 year old boy.

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Oh, f**k. I made a mis-click, and now I have to try and recreate my post, which is doubly hard, because.......

0223, if it's not too late, I'd like to apologise to you. I'm great at putting 2 & 2 together and coming up with 5, I made assumptions based on the information you did give, and reacted poorly and irrationally. The whole reason I started this thread was to get useful input objective input from more level heads than mine, as this is an overwhelmingly emotive issue for me and my kids are totally my Achilles heel. This is possibly the hardest subject in my world to discuss rationally, and I have shown myself to be quite a bit of a pillock on this occasion. I hope you can forgive me. The only mitigation I had is that Alex had read the thread before your post, and I expected it to be coming / have come pretty much to an end, so thank you for your explanation and consideration, and again, my apologies.

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Alex says thank you to everyone who has contributed (so far?) and that the advice is really useful and has given him lots to think about. He especially likes the Spy approach, so additional Kudos to EMTkid for that. As a side note, he really does appreciate ALL of the advice and suggestions, it's just that, like me he'll fixate on what he likes best, lol
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Aspie1. Firstly, no offence or anger whatsoever over point 8, so should you be having any pang of writer's regret, please spare yourself.
Secondly, Wow . Had I heard this from someone I trusted, I could have been saved a world of humiliation and hurt.

I am now left with the conundrum of whether I want / can stand to have my son seeing his dad make a complete arse of himself on a forum, or whether I should print our further posts for his delectation, but whatever, I'll deal with that I guess.

In the meantime, Should anyone else wish to contribute, please do. I'm sure I'm not the only parent, and that Alex isn't the only child who could stand to benefit from what appears to be turning potentially into a workable survival manual based on being a kid and what that actually entails, rather than an adult's perspective on what it should. As I read through the posts up till now, I am humbled, grateful and in awe of the kind of practical real assistance that a group of Neurodiverse Peers can provide, and would like to thank you all personally, so in order of appearance:

NEtikiman, EMTkid, ouinon, The_Walrus, Drehmaschine, rapidroy, 0223, zette, and Aspie1 I salute you!


torque

torquemada, no problem at all! It's super hard to get all the relevant info in online conversations and easy to misunderstand. Thanks for the apology. If it was just some random kid who kicked my son in the face, and if I made my son placate him because I didn't want to lose business, well then I'd deserve a smack down for sure.

Everybody else, wow, awesome information! I'll have my son read it all too. He loves this sort of stuff.

Hi Alex. I was at the stage you were a year ago but this was for high school. I could write something short but I want to get my point across. Your nine correct? I may not know you but I don't want you to make some dumb mistakes I did. For instance if you get a mean teacher that seems like their watching you every step of the way, they probably are. So don't try to show the world you know more en them or goof off because in all honesty they probably know more. As for the good off part just be as respectfull as can be. Even if you want to give them the old one hitter quiter it won't end well. Find a group of people that understand you that have the same interests as you. Also say someone asks you something dumb that makes people stare for example what color is the sky don't answer. Why you may ask well for one I don't know anyone who would ask what color the sky is, and it could be a prank or something. If your going into middle school avoid a padded wall room. You may ask why but if you get out of control not saying you would but I did. Well that's the worst room in the school if yours has one. Because its usually not going to be fun. Usually it's in a self contained room or something but I doubt you'll go in one if your a good kid which sounds like you are. Don't try to be something your not cause it can either make you look like a idiot or can make you live a lie. But to survive this new school there's more. Try to hang out after school with some kids that look trust worthy by this I mean people in your neighborhood that can introduce you to new people your age note though dont hang around the trouble makers. Other then that enjoy your new school. Wish you the best.

You know one thing that had not been brought up in this topic is the fact that your kid is gonna be asking the question "Why can't I be like everyone else?". For him , It will be like walking through a show room or shopping mall and seeing and being presented with(or bombarded with it for that matter.} merchandise that he could never afford and being constantly reminded of it so. The pressure for him to fit in is gonna be so great that he may do anything including forgoing any good judgement and wisdom(selling your soul to the devil) just to have the opportunity to "fit in". I know, I'd been there, done that! The emotional pain of not fitting in can be just as bad as the bullying it's self. Mind you. This is not a simple game of "keeping up with the Jones". There are real consequences for not conforming to the norms.

I am really glad my idea is one that Alex liked. Playing a role of some sort (which obviously can change as his interests change... I was obsessed with MacGuyver when I came up with the spy thing) has gotten me and my son through a lot. As for the "why" thing, it will happen. I am so incredibly thankful to God that my county has a tiny little private school where my son is just one of 7 students. The kids he goes to school with (ranging from second grade to junior year) don't have the level of cliques and all that crap that a mass of kids creates. But he does know that he is different. He knows he isn't like his step-brothers on his dad's side, and that his dad is completely illogical and a lot of times doesn't make any sense (which I of course knew and can't argue with...) or that the kids on his baseball team were different from him.

I had to have the talk with him a few months ago when he was having trouble with a bigger boy (we'll call N) at his school who has since left the school. He couldn't understand that while he thought the older boy was cool, he annoyed the piss out of the N. It came to a head when he was following N around and N turned around and pushed him. We had meetings and N was dealt with. But I also had to use the situation as a teaching moment. A few days later (not immediately, when he was still upset, that would have ended badly and made him feel like I was on their side) We were out driving around and I asked him why he thought N acted the way he did. When he said he had no idea, I explained it was like when his little stepbrother followed him around and it was annoying. This upset him. At this point, Daniel didn't really understand about Aspergers. So I told him that he was different, that his mind worked a little different than other people's. That it wasn't better or worse, just different. Like his little league shirt was red and his bigger stepbrother's was blue. Then I told him mine was that way too, and that while our minds didn't work just alike, they were more alike that ours and most people's. After I finished explaining it to the best of my ability, he very calmly nodded, then asked me if that was my the X-Men were my favorites. I said yes, and that was that. Now, my son has no problem coming to me with something he doesn't understand, and if I don't understand either we will either both go ask my husband or he will go ask my stepson, who is his hero (and spectacular at dealing with his weird little stepbrother). My son and I are really close as mutual survivors of his dad's insanity and unpredictable behavior, and he sees this as like a little club. So the question of why can really go either way, how you handle it is very important.

Hi alex. I am 22 and in college. I was diagnosed with AS when I was a little older than you but that didn’t make the troubles I had in school any less real. I hope some of what I say here helps you out.

The first thing I would say is, if you are allowed, make an account on this website, which is basically a name for people to recognize you by here you want to talk and a place to speak with you one on one. There is a school section and section made for kids to talk to each other as well. As you have trouble or think of questions that have to do with your AS, you can put them up there or read threads started by kids (or sometimes teenagers and grown ups) who have the same problem. People here often try to make each other feel better and give help where they can, as you can see from the number of responses to this topic asking for advice. I didn’t know that such a site existed when I was in school and didn’t think of looking for it. I was and still am uncomfortable with computers and have missed out on a lot because of that. If I had found it, I think I would have dealt with my classmates a little better than I did and not felt so alone. If you need a reasonable way to convince your parents to let you on, you could point out that there are many talks on here about the behavior that comes with AS and ways to improve it.

You will also want to find a hobby that you can use to relieve stress. You usually won’t be able to just leave the room whenever you get stressed. Have something to do to calm you down. For me, it was art. I loved to draw rabbits, cats, dragons, sea creatures and Pokémon (I was actually younger than you when they first came out). Also consider having something to keep your hands occupied, perhaps squeezing an eraser or twirling a pencil (as long as you don’t do it in a distracting way). This may not only help with stress but also any habits you might have that often come with AS.

Another important thing to remember in school is that although there will be some kids and teachers who are mean, it is not everyone. Try to keep an eye out for both the good and the bad people. I personally was never really able to connect very well with my classmates but their were some who I would call close acquaintances, which meant they were friendly with me might have become friends if I had been willing to open up to them more. I had more luck socializing with people outside of my age group, especially the nicer teachers.
Also, something to keep in mind about your teacher, you are one of many students that he or she deals with. It is possible to have a bad teacher, I won’t lie but you could also be dealing with a teacher who doesn’t understand your disability. If you have a teacher who gets on to you about your organizational skills or a habit you have (I’ve seen topics like this in the school section I talked about above and have posted a response to one), wait until you are alone with them and tell him or her about how the action is part of your AS and that you are doing the best you can with it. If the teacher seems to listen and wants to help you out, don’t be afraid to let him or her try. You might want that teacher about wrongplanet.net. Teachers of students with AS often come here for advice.

My general technique for dealing with bullies was avoidance and not letting them know that their comments bothered me. In all honesty, I’m not sure that this approach was the best. Kids still picked on me. I had meltdowns more often, although usually at home or in the guidance office because I couldn’t stand letting them know they’d gotten to me. I also ended up being very antisocial, hardly ever interacting with people my own age. I’ve gotten better since I entered college (especially since I got into one that focuses on my interests and many people here either have Asperger’s or know someone who does) but I still don’t have a close friend outside of my family. I think a couple positives that did come from it were that I learned patience when dealing with other people and I never got involved in the social groupings you get in higher grades called cliques.

If you want to see more of my advice toward school, I have actually posted on several boards along these lines, which can be viewed by clicking on my name and clicking on Find all posts by rubywings91. I don’t think any of my school related topics have any bad words in them.