Some people with Aspergers really don't have a clue

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I have always avoided hooking up with anybody in a sexual way as I don't feel I have it in me.

Since my Aspergers diagnosis I feel the pressure has been lifted off me and I can relax and be who I am.

I had another Aspie tell me I was using my condition as a crutch.

This Aspie is married and has a wife and children.

I know people on the spectrum do hook up but many of us can not.

Just to add I am a closet gay anyway and I do not want to get into that kind of thing as life with Autism had been hard enough as it is.

Long before I knew about Aspergers I knew I was unable to form relationships and I have never been in one straight of gay.

Am I alone here or do other people on the spectrum find it impossible to form relationships?

It is tremendously common for people on the spectrum to have a hard time developing or maintaining relationships... You are far from alone!
I was recently told that I "wanted" an Asperger's diagnosis to an "excuse" my behavior (similar to your crutch problem). This was was tremendously hurtful, but I understand the point.
I have always had problems relating to other people and understanding "how the world works" and dealing with sensory problems (etc.) and have felt terrible about it since I first noticed (somewhere around the end of 5th grade...). It was comforting to have an explanation beyond just being deficient, but it also opened me up to new ways to work on these "problems".

Thanks nice to know I am not alone in this regard.

Despite the fact I am married and only mildly on the cusp of the spectrum, I have always had problems maintaining relationships. Luckily for me my NT wife puts up with me.

One thing I would advise; since you describe yourself as a closet gay, I wouldn't seek relationship advice from a married heterosexual Aspie with kids. Hooking up with somebody is a personal decision. Nobody is in a position to judge you, nor should they. I spend much of my time alone whether at work or at home. It doesn't bother me.

Of course it's a personal decision and you're not hurting anyone by not getting into a romantic relationship. It's pretty arrogant of your friend or acquaintance to think/say that because he has the same diagnosis and can get married and have a family then so can you. That isn't necessarily true, your condition may be more severe or that symptom (relationships not developed and maintained to appropriate level) may be. Also, it's arrogant to assume that you want that marriage and children. You may not want a family at all and that's fine.

Not impossible, since I'm married, but it was very hard before I met my husband. I think if I hadn't met him I'd still be perpetually single. He has an easy time talking to people and we just "clicked" and we go together very nicely. I do have an extremely hard time making and keeping friends. Right now I have no close friends and it's been that way for years.

Thankfully, I have an extremely understanding, caring girlfriend that has some Aspie traits herself, has a sister with Autism (and ADHD), a brother who is probably an Aspie, and two parents who definitely show traits. Past relationships went downhill mostly due to my need to be alone sometimes, and a lack of emotion/romance. I really feel like the best relationship an Aspie can be in is one with another Aspie. It is true that this provides its own challenges, especially surrounding issues of finance, housekeeping, raising children, etc., but regardless of what they say, NT's just aren't going to "get" a lot of behavioral things that neither party can do much about. There are certainly exceptional people, and I have no doubt that an Aspie and a NT can have a strong, happy relationship, but I find it is similar to dating someone from a radically different culture with different social norms.

You got that right! I'm always being told to get a clue, until very recently.

People need to understand that asexuality isn't a bad thing. They view it as a flaw because its induced by their own ignorance since they don't understand. In fact autism doesn't have to be a contributing factor to asexuality - it's just the way people are.

I'm not asexual myself but I never really engaged in relationships, until I met a very specific kind of person. It wasn't until I met him that I really understood what it's like to be in a relationship. Everything before didn't feel like anything.

I use be in the same boat as that guy until I was in a couple myself and found it how hard they really are and no wonder aspies say they can't have one. They're exhausting. Only way to form one is to find someone who puts up with you or find someone right. I was even second guessing myself if I am suitable for one until I met my husband.

There are so many differences among people who have Aspergers its hard to comprehend. Its as if if one person is affected this way or does this, that person reasons that everyone should be the same way as they are. It doesn't work that way; we are all individuals and we are all different; we all have different symptoms.

This is somewhat related. I was once told by another person with Asperger's that I was using it as an excuse not to have a job, and that I can also get a job because they have one, too. I tried this job training program at Goodwill, and it was the worst two weeks of my life.

I have noticed with mild aspies, they seem to expect me to be NT and they get mad at me for my symptoms. I even dealt with an aspie online who claimed to have a moderate case of it in his childhood that I can stop being literal and turn it off like it's a switch in my brain and he seemed to expect my symptoms to be black and white or I was "bullshitting." There was one other aspie and he told me if I can see what I am writing, I will know it will offend. That made zero sense. How am I going to know something is going to offend someone if I don't think it's offensive? I would expect to hear that from a none autistic spectrum person but not from someone who has it.

Sometimes it is amazing how other aspies can treat you. Instead of giving you the benefit of the doubt, they assume you're trolling or something or just are plain rude or trying to provoke others or whatever.

We're all human and even we don't always understand each other.


Actually I take that back what I said about mild aspies, I have gotten from other aspies as well about them expecting me to be NT just because I'm mild.

I'm curious, because you said:

I'm wondering how you know this:



I think until anyone meets people they click with (whatever gender) it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that there is no-one worth it or it will all be too difficult.

You could be asexual of course, but I'm just thinking that considering you said you don't have sexual feelings for people (if I have understood correctly), how can you tell whether you are gay or straight?

I think you definitely need time to process your recent diagnosis anyway, there is no pressure to get with someone, it's when (and if) the time is right for you. It's never too late (apart from if you want children and you are female but that doesn't apply to you).

Maybe there will be another Aspie that will seem less like hard work for you.

How does he know if he's sexually attracted to men if he has never had sex?

Our species would not be remotely as populous if virgins didn't feel sexual desire.

You didn't read closely enough Walrus.

Perhaps I took it literally, but this reads to me that he has no sexual feelings.