Stagnation is stress. I've got 3 goals, speaking Japanese fluently, living in Japan, and getting sex change surgery. The last one I was hoping to complete before the other two, but maybe I need to postpone it. In my current situation, it is unrealistic for me to work 60 hours a week, eat only ramen or prepare food for myself, and to live with others in order to save money. The stress would be too much. It would have been too much in the past, as well, but I suspect my tolerance to stress has taken a hit in the past year.
I've got several options, but like my current situation save for the lack of availability of surgery. Nonetheless, I will have to deal with a sense of stagnation and not meeting my goals, which create stress in themselves, which led to the breakdown I had late last year. Unfortunately, though I can work a job and do certain basic things that make me passable for living on my own, things still feel shaky and they have been since October of last year. That shakiness tells me that I really need to watch the amount of stress I take on. I got a preview of that when I tried to room with somebody back in April and developed intense anxiety whenever I met the person--though when I met her again months later, I didn't feel anxious at all. The anxiety caused me to hide away in my room except to come out to go out or to drink water when I felt really thirsty or to use the bathroom or shower when I felt like I really needed to. (Even though I knew she trusted me implicitly and I had no intent to harm or rip her off, I couldn't help shake the thought that as far as she knew, I could harm her, which caused me anxiety.) It seems teaching English in Japan at AEON may be the next best step, and if I move to a small town, then possibly I could save up lots of money while there. I would be given my own apartment and cell phone, and since I've been to Japan 3 times before I would know how to get around.
Now this may create stress as well, but if I have a mental breakdown while in Japan, oh well. It would be an interesting experience, I bet. I'd come home to my parents, sister, or uncle, who will at least admit that I gave it "the old college try." After that, I'd start to rebuild things from scratch and make better decisions about things like location, companies to work for, etc., to enable me to get surgery.
02 Jul 2013, 10:41 pm
