Why I am Pro Cure

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I secretly have traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and Asperger's/NLD makes me feel weak and incompetent. My entire life is basically a collision course between NLD and NPD -- at odds with each other.

But no therapist will ever see NPD in me because it's well camouflaged, so I really can't get help for NPD. I have tons of diagnoses, but only NLD has hit the mark. I blamed my symptoms of Asperger's on homeschooling for many years and thought I would outgrow that. My results on my AS assessment and the Weschler IQ test destroyed this idea. Suddenly, I had a lifelong impairment, which has gradually caused me to tumble into deep depression I have never previously experienced that is destroying my ability to function (literally). Meds and therapy don't work because they don't fix the underlying cause, which is situational, not chemical.

Thus, I literally cannot live with my condition. I naturally have lots of ambition and desire to be an awesome person whom people respect. NLD and Asperger's make this impossible, so I literally cannot live with my condition. I am going abroad to try some unproven stem cell treatments--which have worked in animal and some human trials of Multiple Sclerosis and TBI-- after I do some tests to rule out PANDAS and brain cysts and an fMRI to see what the physical anomaly is. If I do die from an unproven treatment, so what? I will sign a form telling them to euthanize me if the surgery goes wrong.

Anytime I think of not doing this, I get extremely suicidal, and I've been to tons of therapists and tried tons of different meds. None of it works because the only one who gets me is me, and I know what has to be done (1) a cure or (2) death.

My psychiatrist said "call me if you get suicidal." I can't even fathom the idea of CALLING someone when I get suicidal. That kind of defeats the whole purpose of suicide! Which just goes to show how far off the way my brain works is from the paradigm from which most of the NT mental health profession works. So no surprise they don't get me at all!!

So give me a cure or give me death...

I am pro-selective cure. Ideally, I would like to see the negative traits (lack of empathy and social skills) targeted and the positive traits (focused attention and rationality) left alone.

However, I would suggest, for what it's worth, that you see a therapist who specializes in personality disorders. I am sorry for your sadness.

Trust me, I have!! They haven't a clue. I have seen six therapists in just the past year, and two of them specialized in PD's. Trust me, they have said I had 3 PD's, none of which really resonated after doing my own research after the fact.

No one is going to recognize NPD in me, and it honestly doesn't matter. NPD isn't really even a disorder according to many mental health professionals. The only thing that's broken about me is the NLD/Asperger's.

Well, I hope it works out for you. NPD is in the DSM-5.

Well, I'm kind of stuck. No professional will ever see that I have NPD traits. And they would probably agree that isn't the main issue: NLD is the main issue.

Social skills, behavior, and coping are easy to target, once one understands how the practical mind operates.

Geez, did that sound arrogant or what??

Yes, for someone who has explored nearly everything traditional and alternative medicine has to offer, kind of.

Let's start with behavior. I did behavioral therapy. They didn't really find anything to target. I did a group therapy class for social skills with Aspies, Schizoids and Borderlines and a few others. I think I got corrected on something twice. Once, it was for talking too quietly. Another time, it was because I said something shocking on purpose to see if they would even notice because I had gone for 4 weeks without feedback. The other participants got tons of feedback all the time. At the end, they said "your social skills seem fine. Why are you even here?"

But they aren't fine because I get selective mutism, and people get tired of me quite fast. The human connection and emotional parts of my brain are completely broken. I also don't really have interests or hobbies due to having Anhedonia. I get comically lost, can't do anything, am always making dumb mistakes, and am always running into people and things. Some of these things also work against therapy working because NT therapy works with the assumption that things like depression, low self-esteem, and anxiety are false beliefs; in my case, they are rational beliefs. Coping is impossible if they are willfully blind to my hidden Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Trust me, if you've heard of it (fad diets, vision therapy, probiotics, gluten free, supplements, and even whacky stuff like eliminating salicylates, and even Russian brain repair drugs [which, OMG, worked but had to quit due to side effects], and all the traditional stuff like "behavioral therapy"), I've probably tried it.

Well, not hyperbaric oxygen therapy or chelation therapy. Yeah, or shock therapy. Or suicide therapy. I have never tried that s**t.

The only thing that barely keeps me alive is the slim belief that, maybe, still, I can somehow become the powerful, wealthy, and respected person that my NPD says I should be. Probably, the older I get, the harder it is to maintain that hope for the future, and the more likely suicide becomes. But finding a cure that either cures or kills (stem cell treatments designed for Multiple Sclerosis that they do in India and Thailand) is another way out. 30% chance of fixing my visual-spatial and emotional problems, and 70% chance of becoming dead or left in a persistent vegetative state, I would surely take it. If my performance IQ became 120 instead of 89, and I didn't run into people or things or move awkwardly, my life would be completely changed, I'd still have all the disordered personality traits and bad social ability, but things like therapy would become effective towards changing those.

Otherwise, by the time I'm 30, if little has changed, the chances of becoming a powerful billionaire/politician will be about 0.00001%, so my chances of suicide will have risen to 99.99999%.

I'm also pro cure if there's a cure available. I'd sure like to be able to speak all the time instead of just when I'm verbal. Or be able to do the things other folks can do. So I do whatever I can to mitigate my symptoms.

But the question is, what do we do until a cure is found? The 'pro cure anti cure' thing is a false dichotomy if there's no absolute cure available.

Well, there are stem cell treatments that are being used successfully for Multiple Sclerosis (a disorder of the white matter, just like NLD, though NLD is milder and not progressive like MS) in mice and humans, both in the U.S. and abroad and one stem cell treatment that is a clinical trial in the U.S. (only becomes a clinical trial after it's been proven to work in animals). Also, an anti-inflammatory medication that is a trial in the U.S. that worked in animals.

I know people who have taken their children abroad to Thailand and one guy who went to India for bone marrow as well as embryonic stem cell injections (ok, that one is super risky!!) and had pretty good results. Sure, it's risky, and the chances of death or a vegetative state might be up to 50%, but suicide is riskier!!

Last edited by Tyri0n on 09 Jul 2013, 11:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.

suweecide is not the answer. idk what the answer is, but that is not it. You never know what is waiting for you tomorrow.

What I want to know is that if you have enough money to try all of these therapies and have enough to go abroad to do even more (at 26 years old no less), how you are already not considered successful? You mentioned you have a high-power job in another thread. I mean, how much ambition do you have and how much more money and power and respect do you need? Will you ever be satisfied with enough? What will curing your NLD/autism (if it's even possible) matter if there's no guarantee you'll ever get what you want anyway?

1. It doesn't cost a lot if you stay in an insurance network and get a state rehabilitative agency to pay for what insurance won't cover (most things).

2. I made a lot of money through a one-time stock trade in 2009 that isn't repeatable. I also have gotten lots of govt payments without working.

3. My job is temporary and supposed to become permanent, but I've been way too quiet and tired on top of naturally bad social skills so it may not.

4. Only way ill pay for bone marrow stem cell therapy (repairing damage to the corpus collodum and resetting the auto immune actions of T cells) is by getting disability and collecting back pay for about $10,000 to add to another $8000 or so I have. The last full-time job I had they have a record of was my military service which ended in early 2010 due to being fired. Hopefully, that and my 12 psychiatric diagnoses and testimony from family and a crazy friend or two will be enough.

5. Not just NPD, I also have no hobbies, interests, or friends because full-time work and school take too much energy, I'm bad at most things, and I have Anhedonia due to depression caused by frustration with my disability.

People look down on me for moving awkwardly and running into things on top of iffy social skills and either telling too many jokes or being too quiet. My NPD cannot abide by all this pity and scorn.

If I was truly at the end of my rope I don't know if I would want to talk to anyone who would be required by law to try and stop me from suicide. My philosophy kind of goes against the grain, but I think nobody really chooses to be born into the life their born into so everyone should have the right to opt out. Especially in a society that is under no obligation to provide for people's needs (financial, medical, etc...) to a sufficient level that nobody has to endure endless misery.

That said, it sounds like you're at a particularly rough spot right now. Anhedonia really hard to endure. The whole prospect of failing to live up to societies expectations or your own expectations is equally horrible. I think maybe it's better to just focus on experiences, look for interesting things, etc... It's easy to procrastinate on suicide if you can just be curious about what's coming up around the bend. I also know some people have had a positive experience taking medical leave and staying at a mental health facility for a short time. Some are better than others, and you might get to spend more time with other people in a similar boat. Maybe you could work shorter hours to give yourself more time for activities outside of work. Health is more important than any amount of money. I know I'll probably never be able to work 40 hours a week unless I luck out and find I job I'm ecstatic about.

I also think IQ tests are BS. You're obviously way more intelligent than average overall.

It depends on what you mean by 'cure'.
If 'cure' means complete mechanical overhaul - probably wont be seeing that anything soon.

If 'cure' means "fix the specific issues that are disrupting my life", that is very doable.
Mitigating symptoms, if you please.

The way this world works it that if someone has an idea (or maybe just good advertizing) copycats come out of the woodwork.
But copycats cannot compete with true artists or with true innovation, usually they don't even understand what they're copying and therefore could never be expected to get decent results.

Arrogance is true only if the person is wrong about being right, otherwise they are just 'unknown'.

I am not wrong about being right, I almost never am, unfortunately.
But like many Aspies I've spent way too much of my life believing those who wrongly say I'm wrong. heh.

Have you ever had a situation that you did pretty darn good at -as long as you didn't think about it?
This issue is the crux of all sports especially professional sports.
One gets psyched-out and bricks it up badly.

Six years after developing a way to resolve these kinds of issues, I am now confident that this is a crux for many people on the spectrum, but in a deeper and more profound way.
The reason your brain does not "fix" this on it's own is essentially a communication problem between the more experienced unconscious parts of the mind (e.g. the reptilian brain) and the new kid on the block -the conscious planning part of the mind.

'Evolutionarily' speaking our conscious mind is brand spanking new -a babe of about 14 hours if compared to middle aged person.
Our 'reptilian brain' didn't kill this new 'mutation' because it gives us an advantage over the other animals, but still it is messy, uncoordinated, and interrupts us -a lot.

I have a very brief explanation at StabilizingAutism/unsolicited-advice and a brief outline at what I've already been successful at accomplishing, in myself and other people on the Autism Spectrum. StabilizingAutism/What PAR can do

I've found how to interpret between the two main aspects. This communication problem can now resolve specific ASD issues, quickly, easily and durably. I guess, leave it to an Aspie to find solutions for Aspies.

I can share what I've studied for years to learn and maybe help ease some hardship, but piss off people that are thinking I'm acting arrogant.
Or I can keep it to myself and be sad about other people's needless pain.

I think I'll take the risk, of being thought an ass.

I myself am anti cure when it comes to autism but after reading I think I also have some mild NPD traits.

I think its been exacerbated by the 'snowflake syndrome'- parents and close family being unduly complimentary and feelings of importance reinforced from comments by others.

I think it is worth bearing in mind that even if your aspergers' could be 'cured' its not guaranteed that your NPD would die with it.

NPD with high abilities would not be awful.



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After having 2 two hour conversations with Jeremy Lowey (one last fall and one last month), I have decided to at least explore this as an option. The more I learn about recent discoveries of the science behind autism and related disorders, the more it seems like it has at least a chance of working.