Did you have a "rule of seven"?

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I came up with what I call a "Rule of Seven" to describe my early experiences with Aspergers, pre-diagnosis - it's a psychological framework to show that key cognitive milestones occurred at 7-year intervals, at age 7, then 14, then at 21. I'm speculating that it closely applies to many of you as well - maybe not exactly, but close. Here goes:

When did you first realize you were different from other kids?
AGE: 7
This is when I was sent to a special class in another school, and taken out of the school that I really enjoyed, where kids weren't anywhere near as mean as they were later (it was hardly noticeable) and the bullying really started to kick in. I did notice at 7, in the former school (I was born later in the year) that I was the last one to finish my lunch, or had to have my name called several times (mostly in gym class or outside on school grounds or at field trips) before I'd answer and things like that. The school informed my parents that "something wasn't right" but this was in the early 1980s when nobody knew. Still - it was a pivotal moment in cognitive awareness of my inherent differences. However, they did note that I was gifted with reading/writing and arithmetic, and was already interested in electronics at that age.

When did you first realize that this was most probably a permanent condition, not just a "phase"?
AGE: 14
I had the insight to realize, in the transition to high school, that I was not going to fully "grow out of" whatever it was that I had (no dx yet, they just said I had ADHD, hey, it was the '80s). Since I moved to another city & school after my parents divorce, and I got more of the same bully treatment, it became apparent that this was not just an issue in the city/school where I was before and dealt with mostly the same kids every day for so many years, it was ubiquitous. This was the year when I received my worst bullying, it was traumatizing. My mom and the school authorities concluded rightly that this was due to my struggles with applied social concepts not coming naturally to me, and coming off as rigid and awkward, so she sent me to two psychiatrists, followed by a behavioural counsellor (this was still a few years before Aspergers was in the DSM-4), and at the same time to a drama teacher - all during the spring. I almost failed the year because this took so much out of me and couldn't focus on exams and other things, and the therapy just marginally helped. The worst bully I had that year was one who mercilessly taunted me that I would always be weird, a freak, rejected, have to try too hard out of an inferiority complex (he actually used those words) and said I'd end up a failure and commit suicide. Almost a quarter-century later, none of that came true as I am professionally employed with a firm middle-class standing and a house, wife and daughter. Although I still have to consciously think about spontaneous application of "the proper behaviours in that situation" as all Aspies do. So this is the age where I made that crucial realization of this being a permanent condition rather than a phase, even though I didn't know about Aspergers.

When did you realize that there would always be people willing to torment and harass you based on your condition?
AGE: 21
Despite reaching young adulthood and being told for so many years that "it gets better" in terms of people accepting me, I found it was more ignoring best-case scenario, or insidious passive-aggressive behaviours in the middle scenario like exclusion or patronizing gestures in front of an audience that escaped me, or worst-case scenario it was threats and even a couple of assaults at this age. This is the year I really became less insular and sheltered and stepped outside my comfort zone to attempt to befriend others, go to house parties in the area with the few friends from university that I had, and go to clubs to drink and dance. But somehow I always managed to attract some antagonism. It was nowhere near as bad as earlier like pre-teens, but it made me realize that the cutter-downers would always be with me. That has held true to this day, in the workplace and in shared living situations.

So, that's my "Rule of Seven" - maybe you can identify with that pattern!!

Another '7' coincidence...but not one I expect many of you to have experienced, was that I was diagnosed with Aspergers 7 years after that.
And when I turned 21, that's right when Aspergers appeared in the DSM.

I can identify with similar realizations, but they don't follow the rule of sevens.

I realized I was different at age 5 when I went to Kindergarten.
In elementary school I used to think about going away and coming back when I was older. In this scenario, no one would recognize me and everyone would think I was "cool"

I realized that I wasn't going to grow out of being different in stages.
The 1st one was at age 10. I moved to a new school district and thought it was a chance to start over. That was when I realized I didn't know how to make new friends. I also realized that I was still different and that moving to another school didn't change that. A few were nice, so I did end up wih a few friends, most ignored me, and a few made fun of me. I continued to try to be normal by copying the popular girls hairstyle... really just one of their hairstyles that I saw several wear sometimes. Of course I wore it everyday. I thought that if I had an acceptable hairstyle I would be considered normal. Of course that didn't work.
Age 12 I learned to not talk to anyone unless they talked to me first. Because of this, even more kids ignored me, but no one made fun of me.

As a teenager I learned that I talked about certain topics too much. I decided to conciously limit those topics. However, I would learn one topic was not socially appreciated, then I would switch to another. I took a long time to realize that ANY topic needed to be limited in conversation. I decided to let other people choose the topics. however that was not enough because by that time the few friends I had and I drifted apart.

Age 25 Iearned that my efforts to limit topics and allow others to choose topics was not completely working as I "go on and on" about whatever topic the other person chooses. I still have problems knowing when to move on to the next topic. I also became aware of many other social mistakes that I have been making and realized that my understanding of social situations is extremely limited. I got a better sense of the fact that I miss a lot of body language and facial expressions etc. I can't even imagine how much information NTs get from a simple conversation.

I have made a few friends again through a common interest but I am beginning to realize how my friendships are different from other people's friendships. I can get a glimpse of what most friendships are like by hearing my friends interact with their other friends. I am also realizing that because of my difficulties reading people I have no idea if my friends really like me or find me extremely annoying. Even if they do genuinely like me, I feel there is still some barrier there and I am always somewhat of an outsider. The barrier is mostly transparent but impenetrable and somewhat distorts everything.

I remember a pattern of ages similar to what you describe. But it was so long ago I forget the specific details.

When did you first realize you were different from other kids?
Grade 9, I didn't care for sports and lunch was boring. I spent many of them in the library simply to be somewhere other than walking around aimlessly.

When did you first realize that this was most probably a permanent condition, not just a "phase"?
As above.

When did you realize that there would always be people willing to torment and harass you based on your condition?
I was hastled at all years through school. I also fought like a wild-cat. I didn't take s**t and after several fights the bullies would sometimes tease from a distance, or give me grudging respect.

Aspgergers was another 20 years off being a diagnosis. And while Autism was a diagnosis, only the seriously severe were ever diagnosed with it.

In high school grade 9; Dungeons & Dragons was just hitting the game stores. There was about 6 groups of D&D happening around the school every lunch time. So I joined a group and belonged somewhere. I'm still close friends with 3 of those people 30 years after school ended.

When did you first realize you were different from other kids?
AGE: 6
Held back in kindergarten for "not ready for 1st grade" then sent to a special class to accompany kindergarten. Curious to why other kids were in groups and i was never in one.


When did you first realize that this was most probably a permanent condition, not just a "phase"?
AGE: 13
Survived elementary school though in special ed in the later years, in a EBD class that now would be deemed inappropriate for a ASD to be in, but then only classic autism was the only thing recognized in the spectrum. Then junior high hit me with a sledgehammer smashing any hopes i had left and realized i would unlikely get out of it


When did you realize that there would always be people willing to torment and harass you based on your condition?
AGE: 19
I actually survived high school after the jocks decided i needed protection from the bullies (this is more a subject for another thread). But i then entered college with a total new set of students. Though now college-aged, a significant number of still had the middle school mindset and i was getting bulled again by them, and had no place to escape their torment and they knew that plus knew they did not have to answer to their parents at that point.

I havent noticed any discernible patterns to this point. But I havent given it much thought either.




FF

I don't think it was sevens, but was close.

I was 6 when I first realised I was different to the other children in my class. Well, that was only because I was put in the special ed group a lot or had a teacher's assistant sitting next to me a lot helping me on my work. Also it was when I started to realise I was shy and sometimes got ignored.

I was diagnosed with AS at 8 though, and I was unhappy about having an ASD ever since, but I didn't realise it would be too much of a bother to me until I was about 12. Then when I got to 12 I started noticing how lonely I was and that making friends was becoming harder. I began to notice what depression and isolation felt like. I never really felt that before I was 12.

I was 19 when I felt my social anxiety and self-consciousness was established. And began noticing ridicule, then fearing it, and it has got worse since. I think I had a few bad experiences from horrible people in public when I was out, and I think it has knocked me back. (I did notice ridicule before that but I didn't take a lot of notice.)

I wish I had a good enough memory to remember or a good enough mind to even notice these patterns.

I had a rule of seven but it seemed to apply to other life events, not the way you've applied it. I just realized this past year that I'll never grow out of this "phase", and I'm almost 47.

I first realized I was different when I was about 20. Before that, I was too busy sticking my nose into every book I could find. Though, I did know something was wrong when I was 14, and had my first depressive episode. I didn't think I was particularly different--maybe a bit smarter than the average kid, but I didn't really compare myself to anybody much. I just didn't have much awareness of others.

I knew it was permanent by the time I was about 21. By then I had an autism diagnosis and understood what it meant.

I do not think people will always harass me. I have experienced harassment, but I do not think that it is inevitable just because I am autistic. Some people are quite nice to me. Others just live and let live. There are jerks out there who will take advantage of me and of anyone else they can take advantage of, but that's true regardless of whether or not I'm autistic. Being autistic makes me a better target, but they are the ones making the decision to be asshats. If someone mistreats me, it says very little about me, and quite a lot about them.

When did you first realize you were different from other kids?
As a young child, I did not have a clearly defined notion of "normality"; I saw myself as "different" from every other person that I knew, but I also saw every other person that I knew as different from each other. My first exposures to the concept of "normal" were always in terms of something that I was not: I was called "weird" as early as kindergarten.

When did you first realize that this was most probably a permanent condition, not just a "phase"?
I never did have the assumption that it was a phase; before any specific disorder came into question, I and everyone else seemed to assume that it was "just the way she is" and that my quirks and sensitivities where something as inherent to me as my race and gender.
Of course, I had assumed that I would become less sensitive over time, but I never believed that I would eventually feel and act "like everybody else."

When did you realize that there would always be people willing to torment and harass you based on your condition?
I don't remember having a specific epiphany, but it occurred to me sometime during high school (sophomore year?) that humans seem to have some sort of inherent "pecking-order" about them, that insulting, degrading, and humiliating others was simply a part of how humans interact with one another and build bonds. Now, I never understood why such behaviors are so common and building bonds, and I try to avoid engaging in such behaviors myself.

Also, this beautifully written paragraph holds a lot of truth:

I've never felt different. Rather, people have never felt "real". I feel like the only person on the planet.

I am who I am, and I don't change. It's always been that way, and I'm sure it'll always stay that way.