Staring out the car window

Post Reply New Topic

Hey guys. I know I've been posting a lot, but this whole thing is crazy! I just went to my new therapist and he specializes in developmental disabilities, he hasn't given me tests yet or formal diagnosis but he said it is extremely likely I'm autistic.

Anyways.

I'm so.. Amazed by it. It makes all the sense in the world! I just can't believe other people aren't like me. Man, I am deep in my world.

Anyways, today I was in the car with my sister and mom. I was starong out the window just.. Wow. Taking everything in. Enthralled. Overwhelmed. My mom and sister would talk, and I would hear them, but it was as if they existed behind layers of glass


Since I can remember I've done this. It's not a willful/defiant behavior. I just.. Don't want to socialize? Iöm not sure.

My big confusion is really just.. How can i be so autistic? I do 't get it. I'm aware of everything. I'm somewhat intelligent. It's not on purpose, but I'm just like.. Holyshit autistic. But then I feel bad because I'm obviously fun tioning ok, right?

I'm just confused.
I feel like its offensive to those who need extensive care to say that I'm autistic too. I understand that I'm autistic, but it doesn't feel that way.


Has anybody felt like this?

The Autism Spectrum is very big. There are all levels of Autism. I am very high functioning as well and I had no idea that I had Autism until a year and a half ago. I am over 37. Don't feel like you are being offensive to others who need more care, don't feel that way at all. The severity range of autism is huge. I was trying to think of a good analogy but I can't think of one at the moment. But as you read through these threads you will see that those of us on the Spectrum are extremely diverse in our abilities and talents and even IQ levels. Autism is a neurological disorder, it can affect the body and the mind in many different ways. If you are very high functioning, then that is great. If you are very low functioning than that is great too. It just means that you have a different set of challenges and that you may or may not need need help in areas that differ from other people on the Spectrum. No one is bad person because he or she has Autism. Bad people are bad people whether they are on the Spectrum or not. But never feel bad about having this. Instead, as you become more aware of how it affects you, share that with us and you will be contributing greatly to helping others understand how diverse and wonderful we all are.

But a big welcome to the club of those of us who just recently found out that we are Autistic. We are so glad to have you! And if you ask me, like I posted on another thread, if they told me they could take my Autism away today, I would say, "No thank you!" It has many challenges but there are beautiful parts to it as well and I love those things. And it's part of what makes me me and what makes me special.

Like skibum said, it's a spectrum. Don't feel bad or guilty claiming to be autistic, just because you are higher functioning than the stereotypical "Autistic" person.

The wonderful thing about being diagnosed, is that you can understand, not just how you think, and what your specific challenges are, but that you can better understand everyone else, too. I self-diagnosed a couple weeks ago, and it has be spectacularly eye-opening. I never understood why people acted the way they did, and why certain things were so hard for me, when it seemed like everyone else had it easy. Now I understand that most of the people I come across are just "wired differently." Now I have a lot easier time communicating and understanding the people around me.

And, I also have a better understanding of the things I have issues with, and why what I've been doing has or hasn't been helping. Now I know why I freak out when someone messes with my routine, or why I am constantly tapping and twitching, and most of all, I know that it's all okay. For the longest time, I thought I was crazy, or broken. I felt like I was the only person in the world like me, and now I know I'm not. It's such a relief.

I am higher functioning. I probably would have figured out how to handle myself (more or less) without ever being diagnosed. But this has been the best news I've had in a very, very long time, because I finally understand. So don't feel guilty. We're all different here, but we're here on the wrong planet together!

I'm right there with the others; don't feel bad, or that you're taking up space or tokenistic in finding you are on the spectrum.
Officially since May, most of us are compressed into the spectrum, rather than there being a formal separation from Autism to Asperger's syndrome.

Having a diagnosis, or even having a professional say you are most likely on the spectrum means you can find meaning and understanding within yourself.
It means you can understand how in some ways you are quite similar to others on the spectrum (there is no hard and fast rule or absolute stereotype of what makes one autistic), different to others, and how you may not be able to function or think in precisely the same way as NT's do.

I've gone on about this in a number of posts, but for me having a diagnosis (which I only got three weeks ago), bought me closure, and a road to self acceptance.
I was diagnosed with a psychotic illness when I was 17, hospitalised, and ever since, my family treated me as though I was immature, irresponsible, and not able to function as a normal person.
Never mind that I grew up, managed to work for a living and marry.

I am still coming to grips with my diagnosis, even though I had self diagnosed a couple of years ago.
I look on it as a journey of self discovery, and an explanation as to why I am exceptionally good at some things, like concentrating for long periods, keen to have my CD's in alphabetical order, keen to collect things, and read voraciously on subjects that interest me.
It also explains why some things are just beyond me, or beyond my capacity to actually be genuinely interested in; like if my wife's aunt wants to be my friend on facebook, or other social type issues that frankly I don't care about.

I get that NT people like social chit chat, but I don't care who's sleeping with whom, but I might care who is installing solar panels, who enjoys gardening, or who went for a walk and saw some unexpected wildlife.

The best thing about finding you are on the spectrum, is by far finding there are others like you, and there is a community of us in places like WP.
We may often feel alone, lonely, or isolated, but knowing there are others like us makes it easier.
I don't want to be a social butterfly, but knowing that my normal is not so unusual for others gives me peace of mind.

Yes, I do this too. It's maybe out of boredom, or trying to think of something to do.

Get a diagnosis. Or don't and try to forget about it. My life sucks when I think about it.
I wish no one had mentioned they even suspect it, or at least had taken me to a psychiatrist, but no, it's just like, "Hey man, you probably have High Functioning Autism." like getting freaking nuked. Now my mother is against getting me an analysis and she insists I have it when really, I just don't have a clue. If I had a diagnosis I'd be happy, and if I hadn't ever heard about it I assume I'd be happier at least. Do you get somewhat depressed at times? Did get depressed at times before this whole HFA deal entered your life? Seriously, get a diagnosis asap and if you can't/don't want to then you should do everything you can to forget everything. Try to view yourself as completely normal if you try to forget. It's hard to do though.

Oh my goodness, thanks for the replies everyone! I won't be able to properly respond until later today, but just wanted to say thank you. I was skeptical, but the more I hear you guys and hang around here, the more normal I feel; it's dead accurate to my experience.

I think we are the normal ones!

Good analogy, and yes.

+1
Then they say, what do you think, and I'm like, uh... what? It's only when I'm deep in thought.

I love car journeys for exactly the same reason. I thought everyone was the same.

In a rare moment of super rarity, I am at a computer with a keyboard.
Sometimes replying to long posts on my phone can feel overwhelming.


I guess it makes sense that the spectrum really is so big. I must be more that I've just been in my bubble so long, and from such a young age (pre-Kindergarten), that very concept of me being different is mind-blowing. For one, I live as myself. What I do is normal, to me anyways. For two, I've been raised on severe invalidation so it's hard to grasp the idea that I'm anything but just another person; both good, and bad. My sister has BPD because of the way my parents were, so she's always looking for ways to be different and special. I won't say it's unfound, or illogical, but she is an attention seeker. She has a new self diagnosis every week. She also has this mind-set that there's no way you could be ______ because she's _____. So, for me to embrace this is taking a lot. If I'm honest, to find that I'm autistic is really a beautiful thing. There are more people like me. I didn't know that not everyone lived life with this type of pain and challenge. There's hope for me. I'm really happy about it; and I'm terrified to embrace it, because what if someone takes it away from me?


Thank you very much! : ) I can totally relate; I like who I am.







It's really.. made me take a step back. I'm noticing a lot of things about other people and how they function, that I'd never considered before.

I've been having this terrible headaches for a few years that, now, I know are me shutting down. Ever since I've been forced to be social (college, foreign exchanged, and am working a job), I've been having these. I thought it was that I was mentally retarding, or had a brain tumor. As you can see, autism is quite different from what I expected. It's a relief though, to finally have an answer, because these 'headaches' affect me daily. As for where I go from here, who knows. I don't want to live in a group home or go on disability, but that may just be my only option. We'll see.

I can't really relate to feeling like the only person though.
I've been so far gone from the world, that I never considered the fact that there were people like me, much less people not like me. I've been in so much perpetual pain, I just.. never considered it.

Thank you! It's incredible to post things and have people relate; and beyond relate, write down my exact feelings.

( I tried to make it just one post, but it's just too long.)

It's a scary thing to me, actually.
Autism, autistic,.. they're such loaded words. That's something I grew up knowing to be mentally ret*d (In the scientific sense of the word) children. To not only redefine my thinking, understanding how 'normal' autistics can be, how normal and logical the disability is, but to put myself on that spectrum, that's huge. I think Asperger's is a much safer word, but I do love the way the word autism sounds. x3x


The biggest shock is seeing how differently I think from NT's, and how less sensitive most of their sensory processing is.

It brings me closure as well. I feel allowed to treat myself more gently. I don't feel so upset with myself; why are you so lazy, me? Why can't you do this, or that? And so on. The doctors all thought I had mental illness too. I always had this quiet voice inside that said it didn't quite fit, but until I discovered this I didn't know if I'd ever find a fit.

Social chit chat is confusing and it just hurts my brain.

I agree, I won't be a butterfly, but people I can connect with are now just a click away.

Thank you.

To me the prospect that I just may see a day without this pain far outweighs the negativity of get diagnosed.

I can either struggle ignorantly, which, too late, (I already started the diagnosis process with my new therapist. As well as the 15 page paper I'm writing about autism), or I can accept myself for who I really am, and know how to help myself.

Can't blame you. I'm a little worried about high insurance rates, can't get employment, eugenics etc. Like I said, it's difficult not to think about, but I'm not convinced they'd diagnose me with it if they tested me, which is fine by me, it's just costly to see a psychiatrist.
It's just more disturbing knowing that I share traits, like the other day when my boss said, "Why don't you look me in the eye when I talk to you; you're looking down." I reply, "I don't like eye contact". He says, "You look people in the eye when you talk to them, or at least make sunglasses contact". Everyone wears sunglasses where I work. Anyway, that was somewhat frustrating, good news is that my eye contact has improved noticeably since then. Another time I told him about a correlation of numbers i.e 3 is like 6 is like 7 is like 11 is not like 5. And Q is like Purple is like 8 is like 12 is not like Q etc. And he just said, "You're officially weird." My other boss was like, it's creepy that have build a gun that can shoot nails through 1/8" steel, AND you're muttering to yourself. My co-worker said, "You're going to be a terrorist someday man."
I'm not a violent person, I just love my hairspray powered dart guns.

So I look at these instances and think, "Crap, could that relate to HFA? Nah, normal people could act this way." That's what frustrates me, NOT knowing. But I'm not really on track for a diagnosis, so now I'm working on forgetting... I just come on here occasionally because it's interesting + I can receive advice from people.