benh72 wrote:
Self acceptance after formal diagnosis is something I'm still working on, and it seems to come in waves, punctuated with bouts of anxiety, depression, and the usual aspie mistakes of trying to tell others about it and seek support and understanding; which from friends and family who are NT's seems to be hard to come by.
Yes, even though I had already been quite sure for more than 2 years, since someone first emailed me a web article on AS, having the official diagnosis was a strange experience internally. At first, I felt exhilarated, to know once and for all that all my oddness and quirks were not just flaws in my individual personality, but characteristics I shared with a group of others all dealing with the same handicaps (For once in my life I actually
belonged in a group!); then, after a bit, this sort of melancholy set in, as it slowly sank in that this was in fact my permanent neurological condition and it was never going to change - which was a ridiculous thing to feel blue about, since I was by no means a child and I had known for many years I couldn't change who I was. Still, there was a sadness that went with that final acceptance and resignation.
At the same time, I went through a hyper-self conscious phase, during which I worried that everything I did when I went out just screamed AUTISM to everyone around me and that anyone who looked at me knew immediately that there was something not right about me. Again, I had to come to terms with the fact that, while that may be true, it has always been true, so there's no point in getting paranoid about it now.
So now I'm back to just being frustrated by the realities of who I am and have always been: lonesome, bored and anxious, without the social skills to go out and make any friends. I mean, I like being alone and often prefer it, but this is getting really old.