Emotions
I was reading about AS and read that apparently we don't experience complex emotions. I was shocked by this; I thought I was a very caring, considerate, good person. I read that people w/ AS or "aspies", lack empathy. I also read we do not understand embarrassment at an emotional level. What are all your views on this?
Yeah, I tend to think that people who notice this in people who have AS aren't being particularly observant. Maybe it's just how I look at myself. I've always considered myself a very emotional person. I have to admit that my emotions don't manifest themselves in the way that most people's do. You could almost say that I have a different spectrum; maybe that's what throws people off. When I feel that my friends are distancing themselves from me or not fully including me in their little group, which I used to alot of the time, I tend to take it much more personally than I "should." Since I've never really had a best friend who was on the same wavelength as me, I sometimes take second rate friendships more seriously than I should and have more concern for my "acquaintances" than they would expect me to. In a way I almost like I feel like I'm married to my friends, heh. Of course, there was a point a few years ago where I realized what I was doing, so I don't really have problems with this anymore, just every once in a blue moon I find myself slipping. Also, since before I can remember, I've always tried to help out the misfit. Part of this is me identifying, of course, but I've never really been completely excluded from anything, so it's not like the social outcasts were my only option. Pretty often I find myself getting into conversations with homeless people, or hanging out with mentally handicapped people, just because it strikes a chord in me to see people isolated. I'm even polite to telemarketers. With socially healthy people my first instinct usually isn't to want to empathize, I have to admit. But I can go beyond that instinct pretty easily. Sometimes I realize that I am looking at a situation really selfishly and feel really guilty once I get out of that instinctual mindframe, for example a few weeks ago I was staying with family in a small house where I had to sleep in the living room. I'm a notorious insomniac, so if something wakes me up, I'm usually pretty pissed off, and around 7 o'clock my step-aunt was fixing her kid breakfast or something pretty loudly. I was cursing her inside my head for a couple minutes and then I realized, hey, it's her house, and I doubt it was her first preference to be stuck with a crying baby first thing in the morning. And then I started to feel really bad for her. Congratulations to you if you made it this far down, but I'm afraid you don't get a prize.
I have emotions too. My trouble is that I seem to lack some sort of emotional IQ. I have them, I know that others have them too, but I don't grok - even my own. So I try to deal with them as a black box - even my own. I have learned how to deal with external society fairly well, but am still perplexed.
I would say I'm very non-emotional except with a very select few people and then it's not the normal emotional reactions. My face is pretty blank. I smile and laugh at things, but not usually to people. In fact, if a stranger smiles at me for no apparent reason, it really throws me. I think that I must know them from somewhere and I can't place them. I don't get random emotional responses like that at all. Now, the bad part is that people feel this overwhelming need to "help" me out. LOL They try to be kind to me because I appear pretty lost (actually, I'm perfectly fine, just hanging out in my own head). So, they will approach me and try to be nice, which disconcerts me completely, not to mention unnerves me completely.
I have had big problems with people, even bosses, not being satisfied with my reactions. If I do something wrong, and this only ever happens if I'm unaware of the right thing to do, and they point it out, I am not emotional about it. I just take it in and say okay. This never goes over well. They want me to feel bad (in fact I've been told this). That statement only makes thing worse because I find it ridiculous so I laugh. To me it is perfectly obvious that I wouldn't have done whatever it is if I had known not to, so why would I feel badly about it? I just won't do it again now that I know and that's the end of it. I still don't understand this whole feel bad concept. I'm not sure what the point of that is.
I do have very deep feelings for my husband, my brothers and my friends, but I don't develop relationships easily, nor am I overly emotional in how I express them. I am usually there for people, but as a good sounding board, not to share emotions. I find myself easily in emotional overload from other people's emotions. On the other hand, my attachment for the people I do care for is so deep that it's unwavering over time. I am very suspicious of most NT's emotions because I don't see a lot of evidence that their emotions last. They seem to come and go on a whim, so I don't trust them or value them until they prove out over an extremely long period of time and many tests. They seem to say things very easily (along with those facial expressions and gestures), but the backup or follow through seems to be lacking for the most part. Now, that is just my experience, so take it for what it is.
With the people I do have attachments to, I am not demonstrative. I care for them, but even I would say that it probably does not show on my face and I have a terrible propensity to forget things like birthdays, etc. no matter how much I try to remember them. I do make physical affectionate gestures to my husband, but that's it. Again, most emotional gestures really overwhelm me. For example - hugging and the like. I've been fortunate in that I grew up in a small town where people just accepted that I was different and didn't take it offensively. I do have friends from childhood who are NT and they just didn't expect me to be anything other than what I was. On the other hand, because that was the case, I never had to learn to adapt, so I didn't. This caused me many problems when I left to go to college. There, people thought I was arrogant, rude and standoffish. I still hear those things applied to me and sometimes worse. And no, I don't have an emotional response to that. I'm comfortable with myself and made the connections that I need. I know enough to get along for the most part and other than that, I'm really not interested in changing. I'm more interested in intellectual and artistic things than emotional ones. That's just me and I'm probably on the extreme end of it.
Last edited by ZanneMarie on 29 Jan 2007, 10:11 am, edited 2 times in total.
Us Aspies just have problems properly expressing our emotions. We either feel them too intensely or not intensely enough. (I do both- I don't express sadness enough, but I express frustration/anxiety too much.) I find it interesting about the embarrassment thing, though. It takes a lot for me to feel embarrassed. I honestly can't say I have "a most embarrassing moment." I've been teased throughout my life, so if somebody catches me doing something "embarrassing" and they react to it, I can't say that I really care. It won't stop me from talking to myself or doing gestures/quotes while listening to my movie soundtracks.
-OddDuckNash99-
_________________
Helinger: Now, what do you see, John?
Nash: Recognition...
Helinger: Well, try seeing accomplishment!
Nash: Is there a difference?
For many years I wondered what was going on in human connction that i didn't get, I thought there must be some "back channel" that eluded me. then I found that the "back channel" is emotion. then i found that in most human communication it is not the back channel, but the front one. Much was then explained - including why I can do the work which I am supposed to do, and half of everyone else's work as well and never ger the raise or promotion. the thing is that even on the job, where performance ought be first and foremost, emotional needs are primary.
It isn't generally whether you do the jop well o r not. what counts is making the boss happy. I never had any idea of how to do that, or how many ways there are to accomplish.
and now I figure that the dolt in the corner can make the boss happy just by demonstrating how superior the boss is - at least to dolt.
I work for myself now. So I have as many bosses as I have clients. This is scary too,
It's the common abbreviation for "neurotypical," a person not on the autistic spectrum. "Aspie" is to "a person with Asperger's" as "NT" is to "neurotypical."
-OddDuckNash99-
_________________
Helinger: Now, what do you see, John?
Nash: Recognition...
Helinger: Well, try seeing accomplishment!
Nash: Is there a difference?
I've read this too but I wasn't really all that surprised by it. I was more surprised that it was part of being an Aspie. It was like, aww, that's why I'm that way.
I don't think I'm lacking in empathy as much as I use to be. It took living a little to understand other's situations better but I'm still not very good at showing it. Maybe that's one of the reasons I and other Aspies have a hard time maintaining close relationships.
I don't know what to say to someone or how to show that I understand and have that "I care" voice. I've been accused of not caring in many situations but I do care. I just don't think I "feel" it to the extent that is normal so therefore, it doesn't show in my voice that I care or understand.
nice to read all ur posts, it helped me figured out a little more of myself.
the lack of complex emotions is almost a good thing for me. for example, when the new guy at jiu jitsu hyper extended my elbow in an arm bar, i was not mad at him. he kept apologizing and everything, but i told him it was fine. the next day i woke up and couldn't move my arm, had to goto the hospital. it was my right arm, and i am right handed. i still am not mad at him. but then i try to think about it the other way, how would i feel if i hyper extended his elbow? how would he react? probably not like i did. i have seen this happen to other people and they always get up and yell and yell at the person who did it. i am glad i am not someone who would react like that.
You know, that's funny. I've always had an affinity to animals (they don't think I'm different from the other strange humans they encounter after all we are all a different species to them). Anyway, I do relate to people who lose their pets to death. I have deep emotional attachment to mine and I grieve terribly when I lose them. I do wonder if I "show" it though. I'll have to ask my NT acquaintances.