Taking full responsibility for your own life

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It is strange, but taking full responsibility for my own life continues being an issue for me. I feel like my family has "tamed" me so much in my youth I do now not feel comfortable in the role of having noone to lead my life but myself. I am not a social NT, but a person with AS, so taking responsibility for myself through socialization is not an option (the way I see most NTs solve this issue).

On the one hand, even though I am an adult age-wise, I am emotionally still (and will probably always remain) a child.

On the other hand, I am intellectually not left behind, due to my IQ/academic abilities.

This makes up a weird situation for me, being an adult. Being in this world and in that role does not seem very natural to me.


I feel like I have to make up a "leader" in myself through my intellectual abilities (i.e. using my logic to determine what to do) in order to let my emotional self know what to do and feel calm and well (i.e. compensate through intellectualization for no longer having a family (especially my dad) to decide for me).


I wonder if any of you can recognize this (i.e. that is has to do with having Aspergers Syndrome) or whether this is simply a personal issue due to other circumstances?

Qawer:

Your story is also my story. Even at age 44, I still feel like a child. Taking ownership of my own life is a task of which I have become consciously aware only within the last year.

First off, I believe that taking self-ownership is only possible if you have the economic means of autonomy. Or, if you have a plan to achieve such autonomy. Where are you in that process?

I am about to achieve a master's degree at the university, but I have already had trouble in a job due to my different social needs. So I predict more problems will arise in the future.

But the issue is deeper than that. It is about really feeling like life is worth anyting. I have realized just how little I actually enjoy common socialization (with social hierarchy competition), so I need to find a way to be more calm and content in my own company. I feel I was not born to be very social but was "domesticated" in some sense, so my social needs have become higher than my abilities to be social the ordinary way can actually handle.

I'm having a hard time understanding you. First of all, what kind of life would you like to live? You mention that life might not be worth much. Well, life is what you make of it. What do you want? Do you want to live alone and read? Do you want a wife? Do you want economic security?

All the usual stuff, family, kids, house, job, marriage, etc. Unfortunately, all social stuff.

So your social desires are greater than what you can socially handle?

i reconize myself a bit in the way the OP feels .. these days my idea for a soluton is to work myself gradually down into ever more small-scale lifestyle. scaling down just about everything until it feels connected and real and whole and emotionally manageable ..

Last edited by Woodfish on 29 Dec 2013, 10:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

I know what you mean. I thought that when I was younger that something might be wrong with me, but I didn't worry about it then. I just thought that I was a weird kid, but there are lots of weird kids. Just within the last year I have come to realize that I need to do something about it, or I will never have a normal life, as far as having close family and friends.

The opening post describes exactly how I feel about my life. I really need someone to lead me through my life. I truly am a grown-up child. And I don't feel I can change that. I think I was born that way.

I am an educated adult but I have little to no ability to bond with other people. I have also recently realized that my inability to make decisions is another factor that is preventing me from making progress in life. These two problems have been ruining my life. And I believe both are related to ASD.

I have a job that is well below my capabilities. It's very true that you need at least some social ability to be successful in your career.

A word of caution, be careful what you wish for. Kids, house (mortgage), spouse are the opposite of young and free. Do you really want them or do you think society thinks you should have them? If you're just finishing a degree you should be focusing on some you time. Get to know yourself better. Take holidays. Travel a bit. Enjoy being able to indulge yourself a bit and grow for you before introducing anyone else into the equation.

I feel similar to the OP. And I have to say that I'm extremely impressed that you're about to get a masters degree. I couldn't even finish two years of community college.

Referring back to your post though, I understand the feeling of not being able to be the responsible adult that you see everyone else being easily. I'm having that trouble too. It just hit me when I had a birthday recently. I realized how old I'm getting and how I don't know how to be an independent adult. It made me really sad. It makes me fear of my future when I don't have parents anymore. Makes me wonder if I'll have support from my sister or if I'll be married or totally alone. I don't know if you feel similar to all this but these have been my worries since realizing that I'm not a normal independent adult.

I feel the same way. Always have, and suspect I always will.

Despite the fact that I HAVE all the social stuff-- spouse, kids, friends. I feel, now, as if I got this stuff by deception and by mistake. Do not be in such a hurry for those things-- you are young and plenty of NT folks aren't in a rush for them either. KNOW YOURSELF-- very well-- before you start seeking to take that step; once made, it can't be taken back (getting a divorce IS NOT the same as taking it back-- and that's BEFORE kids get involved).

I took those steps young (married, for all practical intents and purposes, at 21 and had the first child at 23... got the mortgage at 28... the second kid at 29... third kid at 31... got rid of the mortgage by downgrading at 33... fourth kid at 34)...

...and now I question, every day, whether I can be a good wife and mother. I'm in the process of slowly pushing my friends away (they'll push back if I simply cut off contact abruptly) because I simply can no longer deal with all the stress of everyone else's pathologies (everyone has some) and the potential for mistakes to be made. I like my kids, but am daily worn to a frazzle by meeting the perceived social expectations of "good mother." And there ARE expectations (beyond teach and love and care for the kids)-- you have to live up to how others think kids should look/act/think et cetera. NOTHING comes with more social pressure than being a spouse and/or parent.

You can teach yourself the basic social stuff to hold a job; I did it by going out and making smalltalk with strangers. Over and over and over again, almost every day, for a couple of years. I kept a journal where I analyzed most of the interactions; if I couldn't figure it out, I ran it by my therapist at the time. This covers the ability to "chat" with colleagues; it does not cover things like bullying and office politics.

The solution for office politics is, frankly, DON'T PLAY. It will cost you-- you will not get the pay raises and promotions that a more skilled office politician might-- but you'll keep your job.

I don't have a solution to workplace bullying. No one does. Sometimes the bully gets caught and disciplined/fired-- happened to a woman at my husband's old workplace; they could not fire her for bullying but after enough people complained they started watching her very closely and ended up being able to fire her for embezzlement and for going to the casino on company time. Sometimes you change jobs to get away from the bully-- before the woman above got caught, LOTS of people (hubby included) transferred out of her department.

The main solution to social skills in the workplace, frankly, is to keep your mouth shut. Exchange pleasantries, go to social functions and speak when spoken to. For the most part, though, smile and look interested and make neutral sounds of concurrence. It's hard to stick your foot in a shut mouth.

Executive function may be a bigger problem for you-- at this point, it's my main stumbling block to holding a job. I do not see things that need to be done-- if they're not on a list, or in specific verbal instructions, or on my list of rote actions, I don't see them or know what to do with them. I have a tough time organizing my time and coordinating my actions on my own, with the net result that, even as a housewife, I'm always busier than "normal" people, even while I get less done.

If you're an Aspie, you are never going to be highly social. You'll always NEED quiet time to rest, recharge, and reset. LEARN TO BE OK WITH THAT. I cannot tell you how-- for me, it turned out to basically consist of realizing that I need that time, accepting that limitation, and finding solitary activities I enjoy.

If all that is worthwhile to you is a "normal" life, you HAVE been overly domesticated. If you're not "normal," you are not going to find your best life in a "normal" one.

I don't understand what you mean by this. Could you please explain?

Wow, BuyerBeware, that is a great post. I listen to your advice. I think you are right about the office politics, I just could not figure out how to act around that kind of extremely social people.

I feel very much I have been overly domesticated.

My theory is that the more a person with AS is domesticated in childhood/youth, the more is that person going to feel like a child needing help when becoming an adult. The easy analogy is that of a domesticated well-taken-care of cat suddenly put out in the wild. It will obviously have trouble making it on its own, and feel a need for company that it cannot naturally establish itself, because it was not meant to live that kind of social life to begin with.

Most NTs naturally focus on people because group-belonging is what means most to them. That is what motivates them and keeps them going. By focusing on people they "automatically" end up taking responsibility for themselves, because taking responsibility for your own life in the ordinary sense really is a social task - having and maintaining relationships with friends, family, girl-/boyfriend, getting an education, getting a job and earning money, buying a house, getting married and having kids, etc. etc.

Having AS I do not naturally focus on people to the extent many NTs do. So I cannot reach those things the ordinary way. That is what I mean when I say I cannot take responsibility for myself through socialization - I am not driven by group-belonging the way most people are.

Autism comes with an impairment of EXECUTIVE FUNCTION. Our brains are not well equipped for long-term planning, so in spite of our natural focus on parts of things and immediate details, taking responsibility for our individual futures is likely to be intimidating and overwhelming. As far as I'm concerned, this is the major reason for considering it an incapacitating disability.

If you feel as though parts of your mind peaked somewhere between the ages of 17 and 25 and never matured beyond that, while others your age learned to cope with life's Big Picture issues with a matter-of-fact competence that you just can't seem to muster, you're absolutely right. That is, in fact, exactly what happened.