Do aspies only enjoy the company of people...

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...who share their special interest?

I apologize if this is a horribly ignorant or rude question. I am sincere. As a non-aspie, I feel close to people I have shared interests with, or at least a shared history with (but that history was the result of having a shared interest) but it could be anything. It could be something I'm highly interested in (eg: raising children because I'm a mom, or websites because I enjoy web design) --- or it could be something less important in my life (eg: yard care, which I hate, but it's been on my mind because I'm having trouble with it.)

If I had an aspie family member who's known me for decades but didn't enjoy my company, is it possible that would change if I liked their special interest?

Also, if an aspie person became my friend and we shared the same special interest, do they enjoy me as a person, or is it only satisfying because they are getting the validation of their views on the special interest?

A lot of the conversations in this general forum have nothing to do with a special interest, yet there are plenty of aspies taking a great deal of time to write thoughtful responses.

Thanks for being patient with my lack of understanding

I don't think so. ASD is a social/communication spectrum disorder, obviously, and he may be suffering from symptoms more severe than you are. Pardon me for not understanding the question enough.

I'm not too sure really.

Personally I find it quite easy to find common ground with a lot of people.

I don't know whether I'm fortunate in a sense that I am quite easy going.

I do have a good relationship with my best friend, as we do have common interests and a shared view of the world.

I've never seen my interests as being a catalyst towards friendships nor have I ever seen them as being so specific that they might come in the way of friendships.

I don't know whether that answers your question or not.

No. I have AS, and I enjoy talking to people with all sorts of different interests, as long as they're friendly. I'd also be happy to be friends with someone who doesn't share my special interests, as long as we have something in common that we can have fun doing. But some Autistics might simply not know any way to connect to people other than through their special interest. It doesn't mean that they don't care for anyone, it just means that they have a very limited way of interacting with others.

I learned a long time ago to keep the non-mainstream interest out of public conversation. Just experience.

It's blanket presumptions in this format which convince many of us that it's not worth the risks seeking the company of anybody. We don't predicate our existence on anything in particular, sometimes it just seems that way to people who don't stick around long enough to find out what's actually going on.

I love and crave the company of some people that I am close to. Others not so much. But I do enjoy being with people. I need my time though and sometimes I can come across as if I don't enjoy being with people. And some people get on my nerves anyway. But generally, I like being with people especially those who are interested in what I am interested in. But even if they are not, I still evjoy being with them.

And FWIW, coming from you I don't find that question rude or ignorant. I appreciate you asking.

I am trying to find out what's actually going on. I've been having a hard time of it, and that's why I'm here. Obviously I still don't fully grasp all the implications of how a "special interest" is viewed in the mind of an aspie. I've been on WP for a few days now, and I'm trying to really understand it and all of its implications. This was something I needed clarification on. I was hoping maybe I'd stumbled upon some genuine understanding, but now I feel off-track again. I want to have positive relationships with aspie people in my life. I'm disappointed that I'm still not getting it.

Thank you! I like you, too. Although I think your ski obsession would drive me nuts... hee hee. I think some of the people on this board don't understand my motivation for a lot of my questions. I feel rejected by certain key aspie people in my life, and it hurts my feelings a great deal. I want to be accepted, and the things I'd do in other situations don't seem to work with the aspie person/people.

I think it is possible for you to have a positive relationship with your aspie friend.

I have a good relationship with my NT friend. She has many other friends who are NT and it's me who she comes to when she is upset with them all.

I know that my relationship with her is different to all her other friendships, but it is none the less valid.

Well, aside from people who are antagonistically rude, no common interests to speak of I would think is the most natural reason for any two people not to enjoy each others company. It doesn't necessarily mean they actively DISlike each other, just that there's not much to talk about. Of course, we are not much at small talk, so a topic of genuine shared interest is a virtual requirement for us, if we're to say much of anything at all.



Most of my friends as an adult I met through my vocation, so we had that in common to begin with, although our personal interests outside that sometimes varied widely. The closest inner circle that I socialized with outside of work did share a particular obsessive interest, but I don't think that came from any sense of "validation" so much as the fact that we all simply loved the same thing - in our case, music and record collecting. We didn't all obsess over exactly the same artists and performers, though there was a lot of information sharing (not the kind of 'lecturing' that Aspies are famous for), and we certainly talked about a great many other things, though it was a few shared interests that brought us together and forged a bond initially. But I liked them for their individual senses of humor, their opinions on Religion, Philosophy and Politics (and we did not always agree) and their personal ethics as well.

Of course, we all started in a specific industry fairly young and for all intents and purposes, radio and music were all we knew. If you had put any of us in a roomful of people from other fields such as medicine or auto mechanics, we'd have been at a complete loss for anything to say. Unless you needed someone to lecture on obscure rock bands from the 70s.

Thanks!
I think my ski talk drives a lot of people nuts actually! LOL!

I prefer to be on my own. I never felt a great need for the company of others but I do admit that spending to much time on your own can have a negative impact on ones sense of reality. There is a hightened risk of drifting of into an illusion infested dreamworld.

I think it might depend on the individual.

I'm a selective mute, so I'm happy to listen to others with very little input from myself.

Other aspies might be very talkative.

I don't know

Personally, and I am not sure if I have an ASD or something else (my formal diagnosis at this stage is social anxiety but I have never been tested for an ASD so I can't yet rule it out), I find it difficult to connect with people unless we have something in common or a similar way of thinking. It can also depend on their personality and how accepting of my quirks they are. I generally tend to struggle with socialising for a number of reasons including:

1 I find the way people think and respond to things a little confusing.

Ie I might say "I am disappointed that I did not lose weight this week"

Many people's reaction to this is to respond with a barrage of emotional support telling me not to beat myself up or be so negative.

I am both confused and upset by this response as my response is to start trying to figure out why I have not achieved any weight loss and whether or not I need to make any adjustments so i can get things moving again. During this process I can become quite excited by the idea of getting my weightloss going in the right direction and, as I have long been interested in nutrition and various forms of exercise (comes and goes as a main interest) I can enjoy putting my diet program together and performing any tweaks.

The reason I am confused and upset, however, is because they think I am being negative or beating myself up. Um, I am doing neither. Firstly I have not said I am a bad person because I did not lose weight or that I am disappointed with myself because I did not lose weight, I merely said I was disappointed that I DID NOT lose weight....this is not disappointment with myself but disappointment with the results that were achieved this week (the lack of weight loss).

That being said my disappointment is short lived as I soon become distracted by wondering why I didn't lose weight and a need to find answers so that i can solve the problem (see above).

Secondly I was not being negative. I was merely stating that I had lost no weight according to my scales this week. Where is the negativity? There may have been many reasons and not losing weight does not mean that progress has not been made (it may be water retention or i may have gained some muscle mass and so on...). It is a statement not a value judgement.

People confuse me with their thinking and their belief systems. Ergo I find chatting to people very difficult as a result as I seem to keep saying the wrong thing all the time and end up annoying, irritating or upsetting everyone. People rarely seem to understand what I am talking about or what I mean and I get tired of being accused of having intentions I did not have or doing things I did not do (such as being negative when I am not or hating myself when I don't).

2 Unless I have something in common with them, we wont have anything to talk about. I really do not like small talk, I often can't think of anything to say and then people complain that I am too quiet. Which puts pressure on me to have to make conversation. Tiring. On the other side of the coin, when I do talk, people can also complain that I talk too much, get annoyed with my tendency to stay on the same subject all night and complain when i get overly excited about the subject matter and accidentally forget to let them get a word in edgewise. Again...it can be tiring and does not make having company a pleasant thing.

3 Sometimes i want to tootle around in my own head and having people around can stop me from doing that.

4 I may not always want company as, although I get lonely when I am always by myself (I do have a desire to be social sometimes) I do like spend time on my own. It gives me a chance to unwind. Socialising isn't exactly a relaxing experience for me. However, as I have not had a real life friend for 20 years and my relationship are few and far between, I usually don't have to worry about it. I do get fed up with being alone though.

No. In fact I sometimes find it quite rewarding to talk to people who have something to discuss that I know very little about. This is in part because I often then learn something new and possibly develop a new interest from finding out what else is out there. Other times I might find that their interest is related to one of mine in a way I wasn't previously aware of or focused on. That often helps to get a conversation functioning more effectively.

Of course I love to tell people about some of my interests (not all, some are better kept to myself if I do not wish to bore everyone else to tears!), but only if they are genuinely interested in discussing or learning about them from me and are not just trying to be polite and 'indulge' me. When I become aware they are being false and simply humouring me then I find it hugely patronising and tend to avoid them in future.

I also have some interests which could take many forms. This means that someone might feel that they don't share my interest when they actually may do so, within a certain context. Or the person or something about the conversation itself might somehow relate to one of my interests rather than the content of the conversation.

I would not consider myself to be friends with someone simply because we share the same interest - That's not a friendship. Having something to talk about is a good way to start talking to someone new but friendship is something more than having a conversation partner. I think sharing some of the same values helps, as might having some shared or similar experiences. I can't speak for others but that's my view.