Autism Confusion

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I was recently diagnosed with high functioning autism. I was so high functioning that people just assumed I was rude and confrontational. I spent the first 40 years of my life without a diagnosis, but since being afflicted with PTSD, my autistic traits started becoming apparent even to me.

At this time I also discovered that I am dyslexic. I realised this when I first discovered a font especially designed for dyslexics - the words on the page stopped moving around for the first time ever. However, my dyslexia was never an obstacle to comprehension, and I can easily polish off a 300 page novel in an afternoon. I have dyslexia, it was never a problem for me, so it was never diagnosed.

I have had many social successes, and passed as somewhat normal (well,a little weird) for many years, but I also struggled with the same recurrent problems from one relationship to another, from one social network to another. I am a very socially motivated individual who also happens to be autistic. I am hardly great at social interaction all of the time. I do have my good days though.

Since getting my diagnosis, I have been getting more leeway from those I must interact with. Its made my life a little easier, my foibles more understandable.

I didn't say unsuited for society, I don't think I myself a unsuited to society. My question is how people get along. Autism in it's less severe form is an chronic problem, not acute, but it can still be devastating at that level.

I think some of you guys are really sensitive about this label and these questions,

Here is the diagnosis criteria again.


These lead to a pretty grim scenario.




I think your stories are really giving me a better picture though of how life is behind the technical jargon for people who still manage to be social. You still struggle with it, you just have developed some skills (I am jealous of you and impressed)!

This part - just my opinion - but I think some (not all) people could be less condescending and less threatened when these kinds of questions come up. If we can't talk about this openly between ourselves even, how can we explain it to non autistics? And I may be the only one asking at this moment, but I can pretty much guarantee you I'm not the only one on this site who was wondering the same things. So now we know more about each other. But I do think you were all trying to be helpful, and i do appreciate the answers.

Also, I don't think trying to avoid using the word Autism to avoid being associated with lf autism is a great idea (again just my opinion, you can do what you feel is right in your life obviously and in some cases I'm sure people may feel their jobs could be at stake).

People really need to be educated though. We have all these spotlights on us now, all this media attention and still we can't get ourselves or the public or even psychiatrists educated. But people with low functioning autism shouldn't be shuttled to another category - geez, that's a little scary! Autism ravages our lives and we want to step away from them just because they have been more ravaged then us?

But you know it's not just Autism that people try to hide, look what Michael Douglas did with his cancer story. It's a shame we can't just speak up freely in our society.

I personally DIDN'T mean Asperger's syndrome, I got dx with HFA.
I get totally anoyed when someone calls me an Aspie or thinks all autistics who can talk and write here are Aspergers.

Off-Topic:
I am guilty of making this lack of thought error and am trying to correct the problem. So I apologize to you or anybody I have mistakenly called or assumed to be an aspie in the future and apologize ahead of time for the slights I will make.

What I am trying to do is look at the title of the thread see if says Autism, Aspie etc and reply accordingly. Also trying to look at the posters diagnoses.

I am still trying to come to grips with the difference between HFA and AS. I only received my dx, which I sought out because I thought I had AS. But AS has been removed from DSM-V, now considered an ASD. So I wondered if my HFA dx is just another name for an AS dx. So I looked into it. It seems that people with AS don't have the verbal developmental delays of people with HFA. People with AS tend to be more verbally precise, and have a narrower range of obsessive interests. So I'm pretty satisfied that I have HFA. Close cousin of the "aspie". Most of my friends have AS, which was probably a part of why I didn't think I was on the spectrum... at first. They are more verbally fluent and precise, but I have investments in a variety of special interests that they do not. I often wondered about why I was not a model aspie when compared to my friends.

I'm not sure what it means myself. I really have to do some research on this stuff. But that goes to my point exactly, you've go the diagnosis and it wasn't even clearly explained to you. Doctors!

Reading social cues is like learning a foreign language. NTs are born with social cues as their first language; those one the spectrum have to learn it if we want to try to "fit in." Some become quite proficient at it; others aren't so good, like the foreigner who messes up syntax but still can communicate well enough; others never learn.

For example, someone with autism having a conversation might go on and on about their favorite subject, and not realize that the other person is bored. They might need to be told (or figure it out themselves) that when someone starts getting fidgety and looking away, that means the person is bored, so stop talking. Another example: My husband told me that my flat affect makes me sound angry, so I've learned to soften my voice and smile when I first meet people, so I don't come across as angry when I'm not. These things come from a natural social deficit, but that doesn't mean they can't be overcome. And some people overcome them fairly early on; if you read about AS in women, for example, you'll see that girls often become very "shy" and stop talking in order to not offend people, they observe and mirror the behavior of others quite a bit, thus learning to fit in socially. Boys, being less social in general than girls, might be more likely to show more classic traits later (perhaps why there is such a gender disparity in diagnoses).

Personally, I don't think the criteria are necessarily grim. Just because someone has "difficulties" with something or doesn't mean they can't do it or even learn to be pretty good at it. And things like "deficits in the use of gestures" and "abnormalities in eye contact" are not really that big a deal; luckily, people don't reject others in social situations because they don't gesture in a way one would expect.

I get along well socially. For a Spectrumite, I have a lot of friends. Mum always says I was a social butterfly when I was little too. I am not shy at all and also make friends very easily and am the one who does the social communication thing much better and much more naturally than my husband. Sometimes I don't always keep friends though. Sometimes once they get close to me they think I am too weird and they stop being my friend. I am much better at small talk than my husband. These are skills I had to learn from growing up moving all the time.

Having said that, I still have grave issues and could never pass as normal or completely NT. I can look NT if you only know me superficially but once you really get to know me there is no question that I am not. I get really overwhelmed very easily with topics of conversation that are not directly related to my interests. I make social faux pas's. There are many cues that I don't pick up and many things that it takes me a long time to understand if I ever understand them and a lot of times I need them explained to me.

We had another couple over for dinner two nights ago and they brought dinner and she used my kitchen to set it up. She could not understand why I had a mini meltdown. Then I spent the whole time at the table stimming by shaking and rocking my legs discreetly under the table. I am still so stressed I am not fully recovered from it two days later.

I get really stressed to the point of meltdowns during some conversations. I also deal with sensory overload and big sensitivities to lights and sounds and textures and sells and sometimes I have lots of difficulties with perception and processing and I have slight dyslexia even though I don't know if that is from Autism or separate. I have also never been able to hold a steady job in the past twenty six years because of my issues.

So maybe that helps you understand. I enjoy being social sometimes and am really good it as far as being really good at it from a Spectrum point of view but as far as from an NT perspective I am not as good. I often get told from NT's that I am weird or different or that they notice something odd about me or that I need to lighten up and not be so intense or that I need to buck up or that I don't know how to have proper conversations or real relationships. So I don't know if that helps you understand. I am very high functioning and a lot of people who don't know me intimately are really surprised and shocked when I tell them I am on the Spectrum but those who have known me closely often say that that explains a lot of things

To the W person (Wozeree), you have asked an interesting question. Did you get it answered? Probably not:-)

I am autistic and I have an autistic child, both of us high functioning but have had lots of deep suffering because of it, and I have gotten to observe not only this child but also myself, and I think we have two kind of different 'strains' of 'it' as her brain characteristics I am suspecting she inherited from her father. Anyway, it has been a really fascinating study, and I think I am inherently very smart though acting stupid a lot of the time because of not being able to make certain connections, but I was and am able to concentrate.on making this kind of study, and now I know something. I really do know. There is this saying being bandied about on the internet for so many years---"he who speaks does not know--he who knows does not speak." (ha ha:-) Well what does THAT mean? I think it can mean different things to different people.

The problem here is I think I know something that many people really would like to know and could greatly benefit by knowing, but it is very difficult to explain it to other people because some of the distinctions it is necessary to make and for others to see in order for them to be able to understand are so very subtle. It causes me suffering to want to explain and yet to have so much difficulty explaining it, but, in short, in order for people to be able to understand they need to be able to approach from a certain context, and this context has to kind of be laid out like the foundation for building a house. I started one thread to try to explain it, and I said that it would be very difficult to participate there it would be necessary to approach it as a study---and that to get the main point across would take maybe three years. That is to some a very long time.

There is this old Indian saying I have quoted before: "Tell me and I may listen...show me and I'll understand....involve me and I'll remember." Now what does this even mean? Again, it will mean different this to different people. It's meaning does seem rather cut and dried, but what does it mean to remember? That can mean different things to different people according to the context.

To be continued....

This reminds me of me.

Skibum, before I asked this question, you were one of the people I was mentally trying to think of to answer it for myself. You did a great job explaining, thanks! Sorry about your stressful dinner.

Oh no, we're waiting again!

I was just coincidentally reading Geromino's autobiography. Fascinating and sad. If Autistics think they get treated badly, nothing compared to what they did to the Apache - (Geromino's wife and 3 children were slaughtered while he was off getting supplies). Many men find war a natural thing though, Apache included. I just don't understand that, even today, we're still just killing each other to solve things that have no way of being solved by doing that. It's baffling.

I agree with skibum that what you said about being smart but not making the connections is like me too. It's so frustrating. It makes me feel like in the end I'm just dumb because no matter how high my IQ is, if I make dumb mistakes, how smart am I?

One of the largest genocides in world history was that perpetrated by Europeans upon Native Americans. Not just in terms of actual killing, but also in terms of cultural genocide. This is where the phrase "nits breed lice" came from, and one could argue that it never really ended.

Also, read this: http://lgbt.ucsd.edu/education/oppressions.html

So glad I could help.
Thanks for the kind words on the dinner. Those situations are hard but I am glad I don't do that too often. I'll be fine though. Sometimes it takes time but I always get through it.

I know it differently.
"Tell me and I listen, show me and I'll remember, involve me and I'll understand".
Showing is less than involving and when does an autistic person really gets involved? Am weird from in the beginning of encounter. Except if I involve myself into special intersts.
Remembering is easier than understanding.
Remembering can be rote-memory, learning information, guess involvement is different, other parts of the brains giving a feeling of inclusion into something and this inclusion can lead to understanding, not the rote-memory.

I must be high-functioning because I slipped through the cracks so well that all my failures, in EVERY realm of life, were all my fault for not trying hard enough. What people were seeing and describing as my "talent" was only a grab-bag of raw materials. They saw potential and mistook it for capacity.

I failed at everything, despite showing "talent" at all sorts of things. I "should have tried harder". I "wasted my advantages". The accusations eventually became my own and I have been lucky to hold onto sanity as a consequence.

That is why I think the expression "high-functioning" is really destructive although it is used everywhere. I suppose they mean "has learnt to use the toilet without assistance" and "can string words together". Both quite handy, but hardly a recipe for a complete life. Just code for "won't cause us too much bother", really. A recipe for absolution - theirs, not ours.

I have memories from childhood - hell, I even have the photographs - of trying to reach out, of speaking about this, to communicate that I was in trouble, that I couldn't connect properly with people. It was ignored, not believed, because I [usually] had facility stringing words together. So I got no help, just plenty of criticism and blame for every time it went wrong. Sometimes I was struck mute: that meant I was "rude" and resulted in my being cut off from further contact by friends' parents, or marginalised by teachers who believed I was being deliberately disruptive when suddenly unable to speak in class.

Because I am "high-functioning" I am simply "weird and rejecting" when I cannot stand being touched by strangers, or physically jostled in crowds, or telephoned at a bad time. Because I look okay, and because sometimes everything is fine, I have failed failed failed to communicate preferences to people without creating greater problems. When things are not fine (and I don't know why it is fine sometimes and not-fine other times) I have been known reflexively to push people to break contact because in the moment that need was greater than any other. Technically this is assault. At the very least, it ALWAYS gives offence. And for romantic relationships it is anathema.

"High-functioning" is a crock, and yes, I'm angry about it. The weight of unrealised expectations, my parents' (now dead) perennial disappointment that I never "made it" professionally despite so many promising launches, my own deep sense of failure, is not compensated for in any way by the fact that I have the ability to connect with people through music, or give the impression of getting on well in conversation (as long as you don't look too closely or hang around too long). That facility is what saved me from going insane and enabled me to hook up long enough to parent my beloved son. It is no substitute for a truly connected life.

So, please, OP, do not ever mistake what you think you are seeing for the reality. Many people who seem to get by are barely afloat, and some are sinking fast.