Discussing Trigger Topics/Avoiding Shut Downs

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Decently often I end up talking about something with my sister (Aspie) that is a 'trigger' of sorts for a shut down for her. I'm not talking about violence or any of the things most people think of as triggers - the main one that comes up is her grades, although talking about our family will do it too (although I'll be trying to avoid the latter going forward).

Her shutting down would normally have me change the topic/her environment/give her some alone time. But in this case, these things are triggers no matter whether or not she has a break for alone time, etc, so unless we don't talk about them at all (in which case her anxiety builds up as the resulting situation deteriorates), there's no solution.

She agrees that these conversations checking in on how she's doing in trigger areas do need to take place and the results are productive. But when I asked her how we could have these conversations without pushing her into a shut down (or near it), she had no idea. I asked if I should email her instead, and she said that she'd be afraid of our emails, so I'm really not sure what I should do.

I was thinking talking about things REALLY early/doing frequent check-ins might be helpful, that way these subjects don't have time to become triggers in the first place. (What makes them triggering is the anxiety associated with them, so my thought is if anxiety isn't given time to build up, the trigger aspect will go away.) But I'm sure that won't always be possible, so I'm looking for a back-up plan.

Does anyone have any advice? What works for you, or do you think will work? Not talking about them at all is an option, but you would have to provide a lot of support for that assertion considering even she concedes it's helpful (and in the big picture, it is very objectively helpful...just not in that particular moment).

Before you post:
Please be nice in your response. I realize this is a subject in which a lot of anger/upset feelings about one's own situation (NTs not caring about shut downs, etc) could arise and then get directed at me as the more NT (or, rather, less AS) person in the situation, so please try to be careful in your post and catch yourself if you notice that happening. I'm a real person with my own anxiety issues (and I shut down quite recently myself, so it's not that I can't empathize), and I'd really rather not have to deal with anxiety every time I post on WP. I mean no offense in any of this post, and I mean no harm to my sister.

Thanks!

I think that your plan is good to avoid build up of anxiety and avoidance.

The anxious avoider path is very bad for future adult life.

The only change I would make is make updates half as frequent as you would intuitively make, as too frequent is bad too, and right frequency for nt is probably too frequent for autistic, but you may have good grasp as this already, as bap yourself.

I really can't emphasize enough how bad a thing anxious avoidance is for people having goals and reaching them and having happy fulfilling life.

Thanks! I'll keep that in mind going forward. It's just kind of rough catching it before it happens, because I'm the only family member/friend that does this with her - the others either don't do it, or go way too far and just make her super anxious/shut down without actually improving things. (Which is part of the reason these subjects are triggers for her in the first place.) That makes it hard because I have to check in (in person, email and phone don't work) on my own, and the two of us live in different cities. Plus if she brushes it off and tells me she's okay, she's an adult and I believe her...by the time she finally divulges/I pull the true situation out of her, it's generally too late and the anxiety (and the situation) has already built up too far.

That's why I need a back-up plan. Wednesday (giving her a nice long break, considering I actually wanted to talk to her about this yesterday) I'm going to talk to her about preparing for her next exam in a class. She's still having problems, and I know her grades aren't a reflection of her actual capabilities (but she has not contacted Students with Disability Services, and I don't want to push it because I and they would both rather that she self-advocate). So I want to help her make a plan for preparing for the next exam (time management, study tools, etc), plus working on test taking skills while actually taking the exam.

BUT, as I already said, this issue is a huge trigger for her. Even bigger now than it was. So I need to figure out how best to have that conversation. I emphasize over and over that I'm not mad at her, that I'm not disappointed in her, that I'm not any negative emotion (that's pretty much word for word what I say and it really is true), just passionate about helping her. But I know she'll still be scared/triggered.

So what do I do to minimize this? It still needs to be talked about.

My current plan is to get her a planner and map out in it (and on her phone) her "Big Rock" goals (if you're not familiar, this is the analogy I'm referring to: http://www.scc.k12.wi.us/District/Big_R ... _Covey.pdf) for each week. I'm also going to make and/or find a study guide she can fill in for each exam, because currently her method is just to read the slides and that's not working. It is still, by the way, her option whether or not to utilize this, but it sounds like she's in need of a safety net, so I'm trying to provide it.

To minimize the threat of shut down, I'm going to try to do this in a comparatively calm sensory environment - dunno how successful I'll be. Is there anything else I can do? I really want to do everything I can to help her.

Hi, you sound like the best sister ever!

One thing that I know reduces my anxiety is knowing before hand Exactly what to expect. And if you are doing this checking in with her regularly anyway, maybe discuss with her if she would be open to the idea of making it a formal thing - it may help her going on forward in life to get a practice of dealing with issues on a regular on going way anyway - sort of like formalised job apraisals. like - every other week, you will have an hour in which you pretend to be her mentor and work through a pre-arranged topics and she will know exactly what you will discuss ahead of time and that your role will be purely to help her review her goals in the most supportive way possible.

Make sure she is happy with the plan and doesn't feel like she is being forced into it- if she has already indicated that she is happy with the positive outcomes resulting from your past sessions - this is a good indicator that she would be open to future help too, but perhaps it just has to be structured in a way that it is not anxiety inducing. I would suggest somewhere very quiet where you cannot be interrupted by anyone, or ideally, once she has agreed in principle to this, then ask her where would she feel most comfortable meeting.

I think you will also have to accept that she will most likely never be able to completely avoid feeling anxious. If she has an inkling that you feel like you are failing her because she can't help but feel anxious - you are entering a closed loop from which there is no escape. Accept there will always be some anxiousness, and help her work on managing the levels if that's something she wants to work on.

The more laid back you can be about the whole thing, the easier it will be for her, and just try and be accepting of whatever happens. If her grades aren't up to scratch - is it the end of the world?

Haha - thanks, leafplant! I'm actually more of a sister-mother-father-friend (I fill a little bit of every role), so I'm probably not a very normal sister, but thanks very much.

I'll let her know what to expect. She already knows we'll be talking Wednesday and that we'll be making a 'game plan' for helping her boost her grades. I'll be more specific, though - maybe give her a meeting agenda? I'll try to make it a biweekly thing if she'll consent. (It's not guaranteed. She realizes it's necessary, but she doesn't like it...)

It's not the end of the world if she doesn't have good grades, and I have good perspective on that (last year was the same way). I also am not an emotional person and I don't tend to have strong negative feelings attached to...well, anything. My problem is sometimes I'll get passionate/excited about helping her (I love planning - seriously, making a plan to fix a situation just makes me super happy) and she'll interpret passion as anger because there are a lot of the same cues - more gesturing, higher volume, higher pitch, etc. But she doesn't always believe me when I tell her I'm not angry. I'm working on that (both the believing and the cues I'm sending), though...

You're right, she'll never be completely not anxious. I understand that myself from experience. But however much I can do to help her along the way, I want to.

Thanks for the help!! ! Keep it coming if you think of anything else!

Simple question - what are things that calm her down? Pre-set some of them.

There are things that are hard for me to deal with. So I am always in deep pressure before I deal with them because deep pressure is good for me.

Another thing - telling me that I'm going to have to deal with something is harder than dealing with it. Once it comes up, get it over with. Don't let it come up suddenly, and then not have it happen for another hour. That's just building up and then its worse. For me its even worse when its "there will be something that might be bad". Because its always worse than actually dealing with whatever it is, and whatever it is is never actually that bad.

Scheduled times are good. Scheduled times are predictable. Scheduled times definitely help. That's the way to not deal with what I said above and also not bring it up and talk immediately (or at least schedule a time immediately). Because then its a plan and predictable.

The carrot method is frequently useful - once you get through the thing that's hard doing something nice after, and knowing that will be available specifically once you get through it. So once you deal with all the school stuff then you go do something nice together maybe.

Maybe say, the two of you set up a regular study time, where you work together, then after the study time, you go and get ice cream? (I know its not the right time of year, but that's the idea that I'm going off of). And that way its not just you worrying, its also you two spending time together.

You do need to help her develop independence as well not only depend on you, but if you start by studying with you and then getting more and more on her own with what she's doing but you there still if she wants help, and still doing the nice stuff together after, that might work well.

Hi, BigSister! You sound like a great sister, btw - very sensitive and attuned to what's best for your sister with AS!

Grades are a trigger area for me, too, and I can't say I know of any ways to make them any less "triggering" - but I just wanted to chime in and say that I like the ideas keeping a schedule of when to discuss such matters, and keeping the discussion as positive, optimistic and non-judgmental as possible (which I'm sure you're already doing )...and just to say, keep up the good work!

Hugs. Lots of hugs. But it has to be before she starts getting anxious (if talking to me is the source of the anxiety - for sensory overload, they're always welcome). Fanfiction and music are also helpful.



I had not thought of that, as bad as it sounds. But, yes, that's a super awesome idea. Fro-yo, boba, etc are all pretty awesome.



I'd been working on the independence thing last year, just trying to be the safety net while we got the kinks of her college experience worked out. Then I pulled back quite a bit this year...and things got bad again. So obviously I need to do a slower transition...and definitely suggest she avoid online classes from here on out. I'm still strongly suggesting she visit Students with Disability Services, because they're better at this whole transitioning thing than I am, plus I seriously can't do this forever (once I get into a MA program, unless I'm lucky enough for it to be at the same school as hers, I'll be both even busier and even further away). I'll always be there for her if she needs me, but I won't be able to do as much preventative/maintenance help in the future, which worries me.



Thanks so much to you and Tuttle for your reassurance. I've been feeling pretty terrible about all of this - like a really bad sister for even putting her in a situation where shut downs are a concern. But the results are good, and the consequences of avoiding talking about these things are bad (and she concedes it's good, too), so I'd been doing it despite my bad feelings. Now I don't feel as bad about all of this.