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XenoMind
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08 Mar 2018, 12:44 pm

I recently caught myself thinking that suicide isn't such a stupid idea, after all. Scared s**t out of me. :?



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09 Mar 2018, 12:25 am

I have to run many thoughts through my mind to evaluate how I feel about them. I'm autistic and have alexithymia, so it can be challenging to know how I feel about something without a lot of reflection. So I routinely think about my life ending and how that would be, getting fatter or thinner and how that would be, being utterly alone or having roommates, asteroid impacts, catastrophic solar-system ending vacuum energy state transitions, what would happen if I cut my finger or eye open with the really sharp ceramic knife I use to cut tomatoes and fruit, how horrified I would feel if my cat jumped out of my arms when I was near the stairs. And I've thought lots of times about what it would be like to just die in my sleep. There have been times when I was scared of suicidal thoughts I was having because they seemed to make a lot of sense. In my case I'm very glad I never hurt myself because the things that scared me, like severe health conditions, went away, but I didn't want to live long if I had to be in that level of pain for the rest of my life.

If a person has suicidal thoughts and has made plans and arrangements to carry out the act, that's the time to talk to a professional - like a therapist or counselor. Because plans and arrangements are part of forming an intent to carry out the act, as opposed to a passing thought. I see a counselor weekly anyway and it's been very helpful in general. I actually enjoy sharing with her about what it's like being autistic and the challenges, and amazingly she gets it.



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09 Mar 2018, 12:37 am

i'm no psychologist (duh) but i think this is a fairly normal occurrence even among those who aren't particularly despondent.

when faced with obstacles your mind races to come up with possible "solutions" and it presents suicide as one of those solutions. it goes without saying that it's clearly not a very good one, but your subconscious likely cannot tell the difference.

i think it's good that it scared you, because that means the logical part of you is averse to it. :) of course i don't know what's going on with you but if these thoughts become overly intrusive, or you make plans and arrangements for it....please seek help!


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XenoMind
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09 Mar 2018, 6:29 pm

Kiprobalhato wrote:
i think it's good that it scared you, because that means the logical part of you is averse to it. :)

Well, I always thought that suicide is a very stupid idea. This change in my opinion scared me.

Kiprobalhato wrote:
but if these thoughts become overly intrusive, or you make plans and arrangements for it....please seek help!

Not that I have enough money to pay to psychologists, anyway.



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11 Mar 2018, 7:29 pm

My sister's death made me wonder how I will be remembered when I die. My obituary will be a blank page when listing my accomplishments and impact on others. I'll be that crazy woman with all the cats, and that's it.



XenoMind
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13 Mar 2018, 1:51 pm

IstominFan wrote:
My sister's death made me wonder how I will be remembered when I die. My obituary will be a blank page when listing my accomplishments and impact on others. I'll be that crazy woman with all the cats, and that's it.

If this is what worries you the most, try helping other autistics. Some of us are really deep in the s**t.



IstominFan
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13 Mar 2018, 4:29 pm

I have considered helping people with autism.



auntblabby
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13 Mar 2018, 4:34 pm

anything involving pain is scary to me. :skull:



blazingstar
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13 Mar 2018, 6:48 pm

auntblabby wrote:
anything involving pain is scary to me. :skull:


Agreed. I want to die, unaware in my sleep. :-)

That said, and having been a hospice nurse for many years, I have certainly thought a lot about what it is like to die and had discussions with terminally ill patients. I continue to think about it - not obsessively but from time to time - to remind myself that we all die and I don't want to be unprepared for it. I want to be able to look death in the eye and not be afraid when my time comes.

I don't think it is unhealthy to realize our mortality or to consider death. Like someone above said, if you start to think about how you could kill yourself and take steps to make a plan, then it is time to reach out.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.


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13 Mar 2018, 8:11 pm

IstominFan wrote:
I have considered helping people with autism.


You do help people with autism! Your posts have been meaningful to me.


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14 Mar 2018, 12:00 am

blazingstar wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
anything involving pain is scary to me. :skull:


Agreed. I want to die, unaware in my sleep. :-) That said, and having been a hospice nurse for many years, I have certainly thought a lot about what it is like to die and had discussions with terminally ill patients. I continue to think about it - not obsessively but from time to time - to remind myself that we all die and I don't want to be unprepared for it. I want to be able to look death in the eye and not be afraid when my time comes. I don't think it is unhealthy to realize our mortality or to consider death. Like someone above said, if you start to think about how you could kill yourself and take steps to make a plan, then it is time to reach out. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I took great comfort from the experience of my dad who, on his deathbed at the moment of passing over, stared at a spot at mid-wall, with a beatific expression of eagerness on his face that lasted for a few minutes after his passing before finally fading into expressionlessness. then, the nurses and my sister witnessed a vague filmy cloud materialize on the ceiling, hover for a few seconds, then drift away.



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14 Mar 2018, 12:11 am

Suicide isn't always a stupid idea.
Sometimes the game isn't worth the candle.


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auntblabby
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14 Mar 2018, 12:55 am

if I had succeeded in my various attempts [active and passive], I wouldn't have learned what I have learned.



SaveFerris
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14 Mar 2018, 6:00 am

auntblabby wrote:
if I had succeeded in my various attempts [active and passive], I wouldn't have learned what I have learned.


If I had succeeded I would of never of know I was autistic , some mornings I wish I had succeeded though , suicidal thoughts are not scary to me anymore , I find them comforting which is a bit f*****g weird if you ask me ( maladaptive daydreaming ? ).


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14 Mar 2018, 7:21 am

The only reason to keep living is the thought that the less of us there are in the world the more sociopathic and psychopathic the world will become

Everything about us is naturally averse to those tendencies and as such we pose a threat to sociopaths as well as increase consciousness in a world that needs it, just by our nature. We generally don’t lie we generally don’t judge in the harmful way NTs and psychopaths do we don’t actively target innocent people when its convenient, etc,
Our being in this world improves it.