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404nf
Snowy Owl
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05 Nov 2013, 1:28 pm

I've been diagnosed with Aspergers just a while ago, but I have been friendless all my life. Whenever I've had friends, it has always(stressing on always) been because they wanted to use me in some way or the other, due to my skills. After realising this harsh reality of my life, I'd completely lost hope. I thought I'd always be alone for all my life.
But then something happened. A girl somehow became close friends with me. It was the only meaningful friendship I've had all my life. I was finally happy that I could make at least one friend.
All was going good, I liked everything as it was, until the terrible happened. She got a boyfriend, and I started becoming insecure. After all, that guy had had many girlfriends, and could get another one if he liked, but she was the only friend I had. (Just to make it clear, we were friends, no romantic relationship whatsoever). I could feel the distance growing. She'd, naturally, give more importance to her boyfriend, our time together started becoming lesser and lesser, and I started feeling low and bad. I could sense it; the distance growing, and I knew my fate just then. I knew it couldn't last much longer.
I'm not interested in girls, or guys, and consider myself more or less asexual. (I like calling myself technosexual, but that's another story). But I figured that the only way to get her attention back would be to become her boyfriend. I had no sexual/romantic interest in her whatsoever, but I just wanted her all to myself, I did not want to share her. Anyways her boyfriend considered me a threat as she was pretty close to me. So I started thinking about how it would be like to be her boyfriend. I have no experience with relationships, but I figured that we'd get to talk all the time, and she'd be closest to me, and I wouldn't have to share her with other people, and I really liked that thought.( I do not know what boyfriends and girlfriends do in all truthfulness, I know my definition is wrong, but I liked that idea. ) Soon, I started to get obsessed with that thought, and it became my special interest to be her boyfriend and get my friend back from this evil guy who stole her. I was filled with this thought by now, and she broke up. She was devastated, and I was thrilled. I know now that I no longer should have wanted to be her boyfriend, but at that time, I was way too much into that thought to see the light of day. I was possessed by that idea. I forgot why I started to begin with, and all I could care about was being her boyfriend. I wanted her all to myself. I started lying to myself that I loved her in a romantic way. Sure, I did love her, but as a friend, (reinforcing the statement that I consider myself asexual), because I'd read online that a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship includes romantic love(don't know about the authenticity of that statement). And even though it wasn't true, I started believing in it, and I started living with it.
Then I came to realize that she was still deeply in love with her old boyfriend, and I started losing hope and breaking apart. I could not understand what to do. I had a meltdown. I went into depression, started ignoring her, and the rest of the world. I stopped using all forms of contact with people for about 4 months. No phone, no facebook, no email, no going outside the house. Nothing. I was devastated. I cried, locked myself in my room, I could not get her to be all mine. I knew I'd become possessive, but when that's the only friend you've had, and probably are ever going to have, anyone would. I, being the robot I am, could not understand my feelings, first of all, and I had an overflow of emotions. I had now lost all hope of her ever being my girlfriend. This realization brought me to tears, but I toughened up and thought that I'd not lose hope so fast, I'd atleast try asking her once before giving up on it. I made lots of plans on how to do it, but could not follow one of them.
Then, after around 4 months of ignoring her, I started talking to her, hoping that she'd say yes for being my girlfriend, and thinking that if she said no, I'd forget her for ever. I talked to her on and off for about 2 months, but it was no longer what it used to be. All we did was small talk. Something I am terrible at, and something I dread. We were reduced to hi hello friends now. I did not want that to happen, and thought I could get everything back to how it was if I was her boyfriend. So around 2 months later, I gathered courage one day, called her on her phone after 6 months of not hearing her voice, and, trembling, I told her that I loved her, and I wanted an answer. She said no, you know I still love my ex. I'm fine with still being friends though.
And that brings us to now. I've lost the only good friend I've ever had, and I still don't know why. I want her back, I want things to be the way they were, but I can't figure out how. I am devastated, but I am somehow keeping myself together, as there are other worries I have and that I can spend my time in.
Has anyone else had a similar experience?



ak_born
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05 Nov 2013, 4:52 pm

I like your nickname.

I haven't had an identical experience but can certainly relate to becoming interested in a girl and then becoming obsessive--tend to approach people in the same way I do other interests and learn everything I can until I'm bored and move on. This also means that I've had few (if any) real friends. I'm fairly certain that my obsessive tendencies have caused more harm than good because, as you implied, it's easy to become unaware of the extents of the obsession until finally becoming able to move to a new interest.

Since you're diagnosed with Asperger's, maybe you can use the diagnosis to help explain your behavior to your friend (fear of losing friendship and making a social mistake by attempting romantic approach to address the perceived threat) and perhaps improve the quality of interaction. I'm only guessing here, but I think it's a fair probability that she may be confused by the loss of contact for four months when she might have been looking for support from a friend?


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1401b
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05 Nov 2013, 5:28 pm

Hi ya and Welcome.

Life sux, breaking up sux.
4 months? That's not too bad! I know many people lose it for much longer than 4 months. And I do mean "lose it."


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404nf
Snowy Owl
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05 Nov 2013, 9:51 pm

ak_born wrote:
I like your nickname.

I haven't had an identical experience but can certainly relate to becoming interested in a girl and then becoming obsessive--tend to approach people in the same way I do other interests and learn everything I can until I'm bored and move on. This also means that I've had few (if any) real friends. I'm fairly certain that my obsessive tendencies have caused more harm than good because, as you implied, it's easy to become unaware of the extents of the obsession until finally becoming able to move to a new interest.

Since you're diagnosed with Asperger's, maybe you can use the diagnosis to help explain your behavior to your friend (fear of losing friendship and making a social mistake by attempting romantic approach to address the perceived threat) and perhaps improve the quality of interaction. I'm only guessing here, but I think it's a fair probability that she may be confused by the loss of contact for four months when she might have been looking for support from a friend?


Thanks.
It was only a coincidence that she was a girl, though I've never become so obsessed with a person before. The problem is, I barely talk to her now, and only on IM, and its only hi hello etc., so small talk. If you could rate how bad a person is at talking to people, I'd get a 11/10. I do not know how to talk to her and how to explain all this to her. I'll end up messing it up even more, and I am speaking from experience, as similar things have happened before due to my lacking ability in communication. I told her it was because I liked her. I forgot the exact reason I gave her, but it was along those lines. So we don't even talk much these days, and this sort of communication must occur over the phone, a domain of communication I dread.



wozeree
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05 Nov 2013, 9:58 pm

I'm just guessing too, but I think she doesn't want to it to be a romantic thing and she feels that she has to keep her distance because that's what you want. It really might help if you tell her it's not what you want. I kind of think it might be over though.



404nf
Snowy Owl
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06 Nov 2013, 12:48 am

wozeree wrote:
I'm just guessing too, but I think she doesn't want to it to be a romantic thing and she feels that she has to keep her distance because that's what you want. It really might help if you tell her it's not what you want. I kind of think it might be over though.


Yeah, she doesn't like me in a romantic way, nor do I. I told her that I kept my distance because I liked her and was hopeless, not that I still want to keep my distance from her. I guess its over too. I don't think this friendship can be revived. And hence, my only real friendship in my life is over.