Autopilot

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Hello all,

I am still very much learning what aspergers / autism is, and I'm going to try sharing some of my experiences... I'm not really sure where this post belongs, so apologies if it's in the wrong place!

I'm currently sat here wondering why on earth I didn't think to plan to see any fireworks last night. My wife loves fireworks, I know this. Yet it didn't occur to me to plan to see any! We even talked about it a couple of times! By the time my wife realised I hadn't planned anything she was so unhappy with me that it was too late. Instead we spent a miserable night in watching tv and listening to fireworks going off, whilst barely talking. She does so much for me, and she deserves so much better than this... This morning she was so annoyed that she decided she would rather stay in bed and make herself sick by not eating breakfast, than see me...

I just spend so much of my life on autopilot - recently I've been focused on getting the house sorted, clean and tidy before baby arrives - that stuff like this often falls by the wayside, making my wife feel like s**t in the process. Can anyone relate?

It's the simple fact that us aspies are so socially disconnected and we like to live in are own fantasy world because there is not much in reality that stimulates us. So as a way to adapt. We just program are bodies like programming an industrial robot to carry out a specific set of tasks and then retreat in to our little lalaland fairy fantasy world. As long as the pre-programmed task does not run into any kinks or get interrupted. We can stay in fantasy world as long as we want.

Yeah, I do struggle to focus on things I am not interested in. But it's knowing / remembering when to come out of lala fantasy land that I really struggle with! I actually enjoy it, when I get it right!

Would anyone have any advice on coming off autopilot?

The only thing I can think of is to find something in reality that is as much or more stimulating then what's in you fantasy land. It's a hard habit to break and will need your full attention because it easy to remind yourself at first but as time go on. You will soon forget and go back into your old habit again.

Autopiloting is not necessary a bad thing. It's how anybody adapts to boring repetitive tasks. Just don't be a lifeguard and do that.

I have issues with staying organized, even about somewhere I myself wanted to go! Such as a museum exhibition -- and I forget, and miss the closing date, thus the exhibition.

So I can't imagine having to stay focused enough to plan to go do something that someone else wants to put on the calendar!

Your wife is now expression a lot of disappointment and anger, and you need to do damage control now. Perhaps if you explained to her that you know she's upset at not getting to go to the fireworks display, and that you feel really badly about it -- badly enough to post here your concerns. And that you're really sorry and want to make it up to her.

But also explain that you never, ever meant to forget or overlook booking the evening. You didn't fail to do so out of any deliberate spite or lack of caring for what she'd like to do that evening. You genuinely got snowed under all the other things on your mind and things to do in life in general. That happens a lot for people on the spectrum. Try to explain this to her with gentleness and regret; avoid any tone of defensiveness or over-assertion, just tell her how challenged you felt in your organizational skills. It's all true and genuine. I think a person would have to be very hard hearted not to forgive someone if they've explained with tenderness and remorse that they felt genuinely overwhelmed or distracted and this was how the mistake occurred, not from lack of caring.

Also, for the future, I find that I have to write EVERYTHING down! Anything at all that I plan to do -- from paying a bill by its due date, to seeing a movie, to watching something I want to see on TV, to attending an exhibition that has a limited time-run -- I have to put it down on a calendar that I have right here above my desk where I sit at least once a day. I have to take a marker and circle TV shows on a listings magazine page. I have to write on my calendar "PAY ELECTRIC TODAY" three days ahead of the due date.

Anywhere that you look at every day, even the front of the fridge -- have a calendar and be sure to write everything on it and then consult it, eyeball it every single day at least once a day.

For example, two weeks before fireworks next year, make an entry saying "Find out local displays online, book tickets."
Then write in the night of the fireworks. It only works, though, if the place you write these things is in the same location and it's a location where you will eyeball that calendar on a daily basis and get reminded of things you have to do that day.

I find physically writing things down that I have to do or want to do, or have to go to or book, is the only way I stay on top of things.

EDIT! -- I'm forgetting the 21st century solution also -- smartphone reminder alerts! There are apps that give an alert tone like a living calendar that reminds you for you.

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Thank you very much for the advice, BirdInFlight.

I have been writing things down recently. My wife bought me a big wall planner for this very reason. The only problem is it's in my 'music room', which I'm only in once a week at the most. I do write things down on my phone - mostly things my wife and I have discussed that I need to remember, and we make good use of the calendars app on our iPhones too. But I need to make more use of the reminders.

The thing that gets me with this incident though is that we actually discussed going to see fireworks a couple of times. My wife knows I'm rubbish at suggesting stuff so reminded me so I wouldn't forget. But for some reason it didn't actually register as a serious suggestion, despite me knowing how much my wife loves fireworks! I really don't understand the way my brain works sometimes...

I can sympathize because I'm so similar regarding forgetfulness. It does make me wonder what my mind is doing half the time!

Your wall planner sounds excellent, except it needs a relocation for sure! Finding a place for it where you have to pass by it every day or stare at it every day at some point, will make it much more actively useful for you.

I'm wondering if your wife could not have maybe made the arrangements herself? I'm not trying to criticize her or anything like that, I'm just thinking that if there are some things she knows you might forget, perhaps she could take on buying the tickets etc for that event.

Not for something like her own birthday dinner out, of course! Things like that are nice for the partner to do rather than having to plan one's own. But for this fireworks event perhaps next year she can make the arrangements for you both to go?

It's like a spirit of compromise, when one person cooks and the other person cleans the dishes; some things can be for you to take care of while others she can set up as an activity for you both.

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Again, thanks for your reply.

The thing with my wife is, she wants to feel important. She feels very hurt that I haven't bothered to organise something that I know she wants to do, like she is at the bottom of the list. I guess she must feel like she's tried to help by giving me some pretty obvious reminders but I've thrown it back in her face. I've tried to explain why it happened but she says she's given me advice and strategies but nothing changes. This isn't the first time something like this has happened, and she's at the end of her tether. The last time something like this happened she said I had one more chance and then we were done... Needles to say she doesn't want to see me today. She says it's time for her to start living her life for her and our son, and if I happen to fall in line with that from time to time, fine. But that's all I get from now on, as that's all she feels she gets from me. So things have turned pretty grim in the past 24 hours! She deserves so much better than this.

I may be missing something but ... Why couldn't your wife organise going to see the fireworks? Why did she expect you to do it for her?

If she knows you have difficulties with this sort of thing, she should be aiming for some sort of compromise with you, not blaming you for inherent traits.

I take it she's aware of your AS status?

check out kassiane sibleys' blog. she wrote something Autistifying My Environment." When you make your schedule on Sunday [or whenever] schedule one thoughtful, romantic, or caring activity for your wife EVERY DAY. Ideas; breakfast in bed, cleaning out that xxx that you've been promising for so long, take a long look and tell her how beautiful she is, rub her feet, bring up the firsttime you ever met her. Is she funny,a good cook, intelligent, kind, GIB,tell her.make her a giant "I love you cookie, start planning a cruise, fix that cabinet door, do the dishes and vacuumn even if it isn't your day, wash her back, grab a dvd and learn to tango together, ask her about her day and listen, how her day went is part of who she is. bring her home one flower, make sure she has a place that is just hers and NEVER trash it up, visualize a sign on her at all times that says "I NEED you to make me feel special."

Thank you all for the replies.

My wife and I had a good chat with me this evening. She's still pissed at me but I think we managed to smooth things over, thank goodness! I have a surprise planned for her on Friday. Normally I suck at being romantic but I had a moment of inspiration with this one. Let's hope it goes well..!

Vickygleitz, what you're saying is absolutely right. I think I almost need to start having categories and making sure they are all ticked, like making sure my wife is happy, looking after the baby, house stuff etc... Without doing too much of each that it becomes overwhelming. Of course things are going to change when baby arrives and I'm absolutely going to have to up my game. My wife is 37 weeks now so he'll be here at any point in the next 5 weeks.

Another thing I plan to do is think back to conversations I've had previously, where I've maybe not 100% taken them in, and writing them down. Maybe do this at the end of each day.