A whiny post (about being undiagnosed)

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Hello. This is my first post, and I'm not quite sure how to start.
It's probably going to be very long, very self centered, and possibly a little whiny – you have been warned. And if you're still going to read it – thank you!

I'm an 18 year old girl from Germany.

As you can probably guess from the titel of this, I have Aspergers and am undiagnosed.
-Am I sure that I'm autistic? Yes.
-What do I base this one? More than 4 years of studying psychology, by myself and at school (because it interests me, but also because I've always wanted to know what's 'wrong' with me);
I went a long way from recognizing treats of borderline and shizophrenia in myself to realizing these don't fit the way I feel at all apart from a few sole symptoms, to thinking I was just being paranoid and weak, to stumbling upon Aspergers (in females) and being overwhelmed by the fact that it was an absolute fit – to spending many nights crying after I read other Aspies' words because I have never been able to relate so much to someone before.

I don't jump to conclusions, I'm sure.
But somehow everyone around me fails to notice.


WARNING: SKIP THIS PART IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ MY OVERLY LONG & UNEVENTFUL LIFE STORY
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Back in kindergarten I was such a clichée aspergers case that it almost makes me laugh now.
I was constantly scared and only drew all day and didn't dare to look at anyone, or talk to anyone, I got bullied by some boys by the age of 4, and never dared to go outside after that;
I made one single friend in all the time, whom I clung to when they forced me to leave my drawing corner; I wouldn't eat the food, I held scissors and pencils the 'wrong way', and got into an argument with one of the adults when I was supposed to draw a picture of myself: she asked me for the colour of my hair and which crayon to use, and I said „light brown“ and took the brown crayon. She insisted that I use a yellow one because my hair was dark blond, and, ridiculous as it may sound, the whole situation got rather heated when I told her she was silly to think that my hair looked yellow.
She hated me anyway, and constantly yelled at me for everything – my favourite person with her 10cm bright red fake nails.

There is a girls who lives 2 minutes away from my home. Let's call her Rachel.
I saw her once or twice in kindergarten and was immediately drawn to her, never talked to her tho.
But we did become friends in elementary school, mainly because I wanted to be her friend, not sure why – but she always did look like she knew what she was doing.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you my best friend.
She taught me how to be social and blend in, and much more.
She's also the main reason why I'm constantly depressed.
I can't possibly tell my life story – and it's starting to look like that's what this is going to be – without mentioning her.

We got along well because she loved to talk about her life and opinions, even as a child, and I loved being able to listen and learn without having to talk much myself.
It was nice for many many years. I didn't like my childhood, it felt like constantly being misunderstood and involved self hate, but thanks to Rachel I got to make up worlds and stories, and go outside and run and climb trees and be...normal.

Chapter 3, puberty.
I experienced her wanting to be cool and turning away from me in disappointment when I didn't do all the things she did, so I followed her even though everyone's behavious seemed as immature and illogical to me then as it does still.
She was still my only close friend, and even though I befriended a few other kids, they only were friends with me because I was friends with her.
She also had trouble with her parents. So she cried a lot, and I tried to comfort her, except I didn't know how.
At some point, she started dealing with troubles by becoming aggressive – immensly aggressive, towards me. She eventually screamed at me and insulted everything I am and do and make, said she couldn't take how 'lifeless' I seemed to her, how I never seemed to enjoy things and didn't care about her at all, and how stupid I am to not realize when she's sad...
oh, I would've had a lot to shout back at her.
Instead I sat there in shock, unable to get out a single word, and left.
Again, this sounds stupid, but I took off my shoes and walked half an hour to a nearby forrest, desperately searching for a place where I could be alone, and cried there.

Oh, this is getting way to long, I'm so sorry, I should cut it short.
I got talking with a guy, let's call him Ray, when I was 16, our conversations left me shaking from emotion, we had a lot in common, and he too was very unhappy;
he was sweet and awkward and we had a beautiful time together, until two things happened
1. my best friend got upset and practically made me choose one of them
2. he told me he was in love with me
after that, I did something horrible...I didn't contact him anymore. For weeks. Ignored his messages for a long while before answering them politely. Distance grew, and after a while, there was really nothing left to talk about, but he still cared for me, as a friend; but I blocked and blocked him off, for months, and eventually years. And I had no control over that at all.
I couldn't talk to him, I just couldn't.
I had nightmares, I cried because I missed him, but I couldn't get myself to talk to him one goddamn single time.

I'm bringing this up because it changed me and made me realize I might not be alone with the way I feel, and...because this whole Ray-situation is repeating itself right now.
This guy lives in a different country and I might be a little in love, but he's extremely sensitive and I've already hurt him a lot by being distant for a while.
I should be explaining things as I'm writing this.

To complete the whining, I have also had Crohn's desease since I was 6, which caused my mother to become obsessed with taking care of me, which is driving me insane and depressed now because she's constantly watching me; and I think it might be one reason why people never got suspious about my strange behavious, they thought it normal for a sick child.


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--> READ ON HERE, STARTING TO GET TO THE POINT
Anyway; so much about cutting it short, ha.
I want a diagnosis.
I want it for myself, because I have always been all alone with my condition, never talked about it to anyone; I just need some sign, some proof that I am not going nuts, because a small part of me still believes that even now.

I need it.

But the task of finding myself a psychologist, a good one as well, and paying them...it's overwhelming, and I can't get myself to ask someone for help, I just can't. I'm not even sure whom I want to know about it at all. My dad might understand, one friend might understand – but my best friend, my mother, my older siblings, I seriously don't think they could deal with it.
And my mother would probably try to get even closer to me to comfort me, and that would be poison. I don't want her to know.

Besides, I have a growing fear that I won't find someone who will believe me.
Aspergers does show a little different in girls, but from what I've read, that's not exactly a well known fact amongst psychologists.
I'm very good at acting normal. And I feel guilty for things I didn't do.
I sometimes get panic attacks when I look at a supermarket cashier because I think they think that I stole something, even though I didn't.
And as a consequence I act suspicious.
Same with a guy who I though believed that I liked him. I really didn't, but I still couldn't stop acting weird around him.
Now...I think when I think the psychologist doesn't believe me and thinks I'm only imagining things or faking them, I will act like I am. Wow, this sounds stupid. But it is something that worries me IMMENSLY. Plus I can't talk about how I feel at all in person, I'm always just trying to make a good impression. You know what, if I ever get to that point, I'll probably just print this out and hand it to my therapist!

Time to finally get to the point; is anyone facing similar problems?
Similar fears?
Is there anyone who got an official diagnose rather late, after first noticing signs of Aspergers in themselves?
..and if so, how do you feel about it now? Did it change your life for the better or for the worse?

I need help this time. I'm as unhappy as I haven't been in forever, my room is a mess, I'm not doing so well in my studies, and the only guy I have felt something for since years thinks I don't give a s**t.
Maybe it's just that both my physical & mental stage are not the best right now, and that combinations makes things seem worse;
I'll probably be fine one way or another, but I don't want this anymore. I want to sleep at night for once instead of crying, and I don't want those depressed nights to be the thing that feels the most honest in my life anymore.

Thank you for your time, really.
Warmth, Lisa

PS: sorry if there's any grammatical errors, not a native speaker unfortunatly

I understand that. I was diagnosed too young to care about what it was. Only a few years ago did I start to research it and realized just how much of who I am is defined by AS. It doesn't matter if you have a diagnosis, unless you need legal help or medication; in that case I'm sorry I don't know what to suggest.

Overall, I think begining to understand AS helped me. I was desolate because I though I was "too unusual". For me, it helped to know that there were other people similiar to me. I felt less alone and less upset.

I hope you find the answers to your problems.

Since you are sure you are autistic, then you probably are. A self diagnosis gives you a working psych model with which to understand your self and your place in the world, and allows you to review your history and helps you to make sense of it.

A formal diagnosis will allow you to present your model to the world if you want to, carrying the voice of authority. You don't necessarily need it for yourself. All that you need for yourself is a working model that you are happy with.

you must be an english buff or you are majoring in writing.


well you could have Aspergers. The world definitly needs more chicks with aspergers. chicks with aspergers rock. And yes it is most likely that it's harder to get diagnosed. But remember one thing, theres negative things about having Aspergers. In fact, I wish I wasn't diagnosed so early and diagnosed in my late teens years. (I was 8 when I was diagnosed)