RE: Grasping the concept of theory of mind

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I typed up this super long post for you and then the thread disappeared! I didn't want all of the time I spent trying to answer your questions to be wasted so I'm making this thread. If I had made note of your user name I would have PM'd you this.

I struggle with this as well, I will tell you how I have become better in 'this area.'

I have developed formulas to decipher the reasoning behind what people say. I have an interest in psychology and I make it my business to analyze every interaction I have or see. I will give you an example.

Someone tells me, "I wish I knew what he was talking about." The context - they are being scolded. (context is very important and cannot be over looked.)

To determine if they mean this you must ask yourself what relationship the person speaking has with this person with whom they referring to.

Their superior (ie boss or senior): They usually do not really want to know what he was talking about, because it is almost certain that they already do know and are just looking for a reason to deflect the blame or shift the responsibility off of themselves.

An equal whom is regarded on a friendly basis: They really want to understand.The next step is determining what your place is. Are you close to the person saying this? If yes you may offer your help in explaining to them why they were scolded. If you are only on a friendly casual basis then only comfort is appropriate.

*A SIDE NOTE* It dawned on me only in the past 3 years or so that people want you to pretend that their misgivings are your misgivings. I do not know why. When people do this to me I become uncomfortable, but it appears to be what is expected. If you do not do this for people they will consider you a bad person. By observing other peoples interactions I have come to the conclusion that it is not real, only expected of them. People will be much kinder to someone that appears to have the same emotional response as they do, even if they know that it is only on the surface and pretend. I don't understand WHY but have come to accept it.

An underling or equal whom is regarded on an unfriendly basis: They are full of contempt and do not really want to know what the person was talking about. They only wish to display their dominance to the people surrounding them, and the statement "I wish I know what he was talking about." Means "I wish he would stop talking."

I have these formulas for every interaction I partake in. It is exhausting sometimes, but the way my brain works it is very manageable. It seems like a lot would be going on inside the head of the person trying to process all of these formulas, but I have found that the order and structure of them really help soothe me in times of stress, making order out of chaos. RULES, rules, it's all about the rules. But like with many things in life, there are exceptions to every rule and sometimes that may get her in trouble.

For example, sometimes I will use this formula. Let's say the it was the last of the relationships, the underling. I have overrode what was said inside my brain, so I no longer remember that this person said, "I wish I knew what he meant." I remember that this person said, "I wish he would stop talking." A few days go by and I repeat what I remember the person saying. They will then accuse me of manipulation and twisting their words! Of all things! My autism makes it nearly impossible for me to be a manipulative person and so I become full of righteous anger regarding the way they perceive me. Because it is UNTRUE. And this person, although they really meant what I had interpreted, now becomes the victim, and I become the bad guy.

Sorry this was so long, I just thought it may help you if you decide to try to improve your skills in interpretation. Looking at how complicated this is I am unsure if I helped or hindered.

Now for your actual question about theory of mind: Yes this is part of it. Theory of mind states that we do not understand that others think differently than we do. There is a way to bypass this. Accept the fact that other people see, hear, taste, smell, think differently than you do. Even if you do not know why, just accept it as fact. Think of it as a rule. In every successful conversation I've had, I have reminded myself right at the very beginning that everything said is being translated. I think of the words I hear as a foreign language. I have translated them, but as I'm sure you know things get lost in translation. I must remind myself as often as possible that I am not getting the whole message, only fragments. In realizing this I find it easier to interact with others.