Son diagnosed..or not...with Aspergers

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Hi ya'll. I've read your posts with a great deal of interest and I hope that you can help me (or help my son). I have one doctor that had diagnosed him with Asperger's and another that has not. He's 17 and in a residential facility (for the umteenth time). He's been under the care of a psychiatrist since he was three. The long and short of it is his diagnosis is ADD, OCD, ODD, PTSD, depression, generalized anxiety, trichotellomania and dysgraphia. We've attempted to treat all of these things for years without much success. We finally went to a psych that said, "The reason that nothing has worked for you is because you've treated all these symptoms individually instead of treating them for what they are, Asperger's". Unfortunately, the dr. at the facility he is in does not believe he has Asperger's because he is able to formulate relationships, understand boundaries and does not have a subject of interest. DUH! From everything I have read, Aspies can have relationships and understand boundaries? Am I wrong?
I am so tired of seeing my son in so much pain, failing at school, even though he's brilliant, not having friends. This is the first year that he's had friends because he's always been teased. He called me on Saturday and asked, "Why?" I've been in therapy for 13 years and I still don't understand why I'm so impulsive and why I feel the way that I do." Can anyone give me some insight? I'm just a mom struggling to understand and help my son. Sorry that this is so long.... And another thing, my son has a wonderful sense of humor.....most of the time.
And...sorry, I forgot to add the subject.

this is the unfortunate truth of asperger's syndrome. people fight for years for a CORRECT diagnosis. During this time, they stuggle with even the general questions in life, who they are, what they want to be, how to become that person. Im sorry your son is going through this, but he should be happy and thankful he has a mother like you. You have to keep the fight, and understand that MOST people wont understand your son and his needs. Autism is a spectrum but even professionals dont understand the seriousness of the symptoms. Remember, MOST(if not all) psychiatrists and psychologists who "claim" they understand autism, even though they themself do not have it. Autism is unlike any physical disease and most disorders/syndromes in that the symptoms vary from person to person in thier severity and thier prevelance.

Many of us on this board had to go through multiple professionals to recieve a diagnosis. We got lines like "well asperger's syndrome is diagnosed in children" or "you make decent eye contact o r understand social norms", "it couldnt have gone this long without being diagnosed" or "but your symptoms are that of (enter disorder), not asperger's syndrome", and usually all end with "so you cant be autistic". The saying Life is a struggle, is an understatment when you're autistic. You can go at ends length to explain your case, prove without a shadow of doubt(in your mind and those who care about you) that you are autistic and there will still be one reason that "makes it impossible" in their eyes.

One day the world will understand, but that day isnt today, isnt likely tomorrow, and unfortunatly not forseen in the near future.

Passion Patience and Perseverance
Alan

The doctor saying he has all those things is an idiot. Your son DOES sound like he MIGHT have aspergers. Aspies can have relationships and understand boundaries! WHO said they couldn't!? It is simply that they might have trouble developing/maintaining relationships, and might not respect certain "boundaries".
It can ALSO explain the impulsive behaviour.

What was his 0-2Yr development like? Did he hit, beat, or miss milestones?

As for the interests? Have you really been watching? Has he been overly distracted, or drugged? One symptom of being so distracted is DEPRESSION! Depression does NOT mean he has an interest, but the lack of an interest he can follow can explain the depression.

Steve

Many psychiatrists are ignorant about Asperger's. I am S H O C K E D that a particular psych I was sent to between the ages of 12-14 did not diagnose me.

Maybe your son doesn't understand boundaries, but this is not evident to the psych, or, your son instinctively fakes it, and says what he thinks he's supposed to say (this can happen so subtly with shrinks, he might not even realize he's doing it).

If your son is brilliant, chances are he has obsessive interests.

People with AS can form relationships, but usually just a few very close ones (is my general impression).

Have your son read around here to see if he relates to anything.

I did not mean to say by the above that people with AS can't understand boundaries, but personally I think "boundaries" is a psychobabble term... definitely we have trouble reading social cues which might make it look like "boundaries" or "propriety" have been overstepped.

A good enviroment is one that is calming. For someone who has a lot of stuff going on with them, school and people etc.. can be very distracting. Another thing: it isn't such a good thing to focus on things to "fix" and that it is called "treatment". He should have authority over himself. He should know that people have respect for him. But people who are different are "watched" and "babbled about" for their "differences". For the ones who do this are ignorant. This relates to selfish behaviors. It makes them look like an outcast. This is a common theme among people who are different. So this may bring up conflicting evidence to trust people, therefore, leading to an emotional scar in that area. Anyway, depression and anger etc can be related to an analytical charactoristic in personality. This can be a dominate charactoristic when there is "OCD" or "aspergers". Error detection is the first step to problem solving. However, this can appear to get out of hand if it was so severe to cause most aspects of life to define life in a pessmistic veiw. But perhaps many things in life really are depressing. "Recovery" is to let the feelings come and integrate into oneself. It takes time. It is part of being able to work on "solving those problems" that make things come into view to be that way. Wish you good luck..

All Indians walk Indian file

How do you know that?

The one i saw was walking that way!

I think that the professional mindbenders like to place those who deviate from their precious normal into mazes and watch. They seem not to ask us questions and then actually LISTEN to the replies. i think they have small respect for our abilities.
there is as much variation within AS as is within the NT population, lurk this site a while and you will see how real Aspies do. . .well, whatever it is that we are doing!

Does your son need to stay in this facility? It doesn't sound like it may be doing much good, but it's always hard to tell that from a post. One thing I know about myself was that people rarely got to really know me and that included those closest to me. When you feel like an alien, you tell people what they want to hear so they'll leave you alone. If your son has been seeing Psychiatrists since he was three, he may very well have adapted to the tell them what they want strategy. Aspies are many times highly intelligent and they can become good mimickers, which allows them to appear normal and hide what's really going on.

It's a spectrum, so while one child may not be able to make eye contact, another stares and stares. Still another will be somewhere in between. I used to stare. I actually wasn't even looking at people, I was just staring off into space and thinking up characters.

It's possible that your child, because of his own circumstances hasn't found his focused interest. It's also possible he can't because of medications. If I had grown up now, I would have been pumped full of meds (and not just for migraines as I was when I was young). I don't know how well I would have done in that case. My teachers gave me extra work to do to keep me occupied and I was allowed to write non-stop during class. That would never be tolerated or handled that way now. I graduated high school with a 3.98 grade average. If I had been on drugs for ADD the way they put all kids on them now, I doubt I could have done that.

I had friends all though school, but usually one or two at a time and I was unusually close to them. I still am. Aspie kids can be unsually close or distant from their families. They can appear cold or overly affectionate. They can be clumsy or not. They can have stims or not. Are you starting to see?

I was pretty good, from a very early age, at mimicking boundaries. Most of that stemmed from the fact that I was a loner so I wasn't as overt as other Aspies at showing the things I didn't understand. What was apparent to those that did know me was that I didn't understand things that were general knowledge to most people. Many things people said and understood, went over my head. They still do. I stand there with the deer in the headlights look. I have absolutely no clue what they are talking about. If someone acts nice to me but they are really devious and mean me harm, I won't get it. I read people literally. Does your son do this?

When I was really young, I hid in the clothes basket in the closet and no one could find me. I also did strange things like eat the same exact food for two years then switch. I'm talking two years of pickled beats and then two years of mashed potatoes with pea gravy. Things I won't even eat any longer. Does he do anything like that? Does he have rituals with his books or things?

He really needs to take the Aspie test alone and see what happens. I think part of the confusion may stem from people hovering. Try that and see where you get.

I should have said it, although I aluded to some of it, but ZanneMarie is right. If he IS aspie, being in such a place with meds and observation will KILL HIM as an aspie! He will seem less aspie, not turn out as nice or capable, and be DEPRESSED! GET HIM OUT! Try to be accomodating, wait a few months, and bring him to a GOOD doctor! With any luck, he will start acting more like an aspie, become better, and be less depressed within a week or two. WHO KNOWS!? He may even start to show some interests.

Steve

I guess I should also warn you about something else that I see. My teachers, father and brothers encouraged me to just be who I was and develop that. I wasn't pressured to be "normal." Sometimes I think parents mean to help, but they cause more problems. One of the reasons is this misperception out there that Aspies want to changed into something resembling normal. Most Aspies want to be who they are and be accepted that way. They enjoy themselves most when they are allowed to pursue their narrow set of interests. Most of our problems occur because of the constant clamoring from the outside that we must be social, we must get the subtle jokes and meanings, we must be overtly affectionate, popular, etc. That goes against everything we are. We are alive when we think! We do experience love and the like, but we usually show it in a different way. We just don't experience the world like the quote unquote "normal" person, but that's okay! Why is everyone determined that this is not okay?

Most people who are normal do NOT have tons of friends. They have tons of acquaintances and very few actual friends. Aspies just don't understand that need for the tons of acquaintances.

Just be very careful that you know what your son actually wants. If he cried once because he couldn't make friends or play ball like the other kids, that isn't sufficient to change his entire life. If I were your child, what I would tell you is get to know me. Appreciate me. Learn what a beautiful place it is inside my head. Most of all, quit trying to make me into you. I'm unique and I like it that way.

Anyone else feel that way?

Thank you so much for all of your responses. I needed to hear them. I've known for a very long time that my son is different. The problem is, society does not allow him to be different. It won't accomodate his difference.

I don't know if I mentioned that he's dygraphic (can't write where you can read it). Given all day to write, he probably could but don't ask him to copy anything from a board. It's a disaster. He's embarrassed by this difference, therefore, when falling behind, he won't say anything. He becomes further and futher behind, gives up, becomes frustrated, starts kicking himself emotionally, then the depression kicks in. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about. I've tried to explain to him that different isn't bad, it's different. I wear glasses, I need them to see. The glasses I buy are always wild colors (red or blue). It makes me appear different than others that choose conservative colors. Is that bad? No, it's different. He's different and needs help to write. It's nothing to be ashamed of, it's a difference. He either can't understand what I'm saying or it doesn't penetrate his thinking process. I don't know, but school is a virtual hell for him. I've managed to have accommdations put in place to help him to succeed but once again, like you all said, PEOPLE get in the way. Right now I'm going toe to toe with the school district.

He is only on Effexor right now to control his depression. He 17 now. Fron the years 13 to 16 he refused meds (Concerta, Topomax, Respirdol, Effexor) that helped him to keep his anxiety under control and help with his depression. After several suicide attempts, he is now taking the Effexor, but than again, he's in a controlled environment and doesn't have a choice.

The reason he's in residential this time is because he took a swing at his older sister and connected, ONCE. He is so uncoordinated, I'm surprised he was able to even hit her. Unfortunately, she was majoring in teaching at the time and had just learned the manuever to take down violent kids. She used it on him. She filed charges with the police, it's not first time he's been aggressive, in my opinion, out of sheer frustration. So he HAS to be in this facility.

I'm not that much into drugs unless it serves the purpose to help him. My main goal is for him to UNDERSTAND what's going on within his mind and accept that he thinks differently, feels differently, reacts differently and that he needs to find his nitch. I want him to be happy and successful in life. If he wants to dig ditches, as long as he's a good ditch digger, more power to him. However, if he wants to be a doctor, I don't want anyone stopping him because he learns differently or needs a little adjustment here and there in order to achieve the same results as other kids.

Ane ZanneMarie, you DO need to write a book. Your experience in living is invaluable and would help so many people that feel left out and alone, like my son. I've purchased a book that was written by a young man with Asperger's but my son has yet to read it.

The psych that initially evaluated my son, evaluated him for admission into the facility that he is currently in. The guy is really neat. Like most of you, we've had some rather undesirable experiences with psychiatrists. The one was NOT one of them. This gentleman calmly explained to my son what Asperger's was, that it was lifelong but was by no means a death sentence. He then told him that he could in fact use his difference to his advantage, and encouraged him to do so. He told him that what he mainly needed to do was understand why he did what he did, why he thought the way that he thought and learn to cope with those things. He told me, like so many of you here have, everyone with Asperger's is different and exhibits different levels of behavior. You can't fit everyone in the same mold, Asperger's or not.

I spoke with him this morning and he advised me to call the facility, show them the DSM and how Andrew fits the criteria. Where is this test that ya'll are referring to?

He's cried many times. This time it was just soulful. He can't understand why he can't control impulsivity, especially when it's behaviors that are inappropriate. I don't understand it either. I don't know what to tell him to help him. I guess that's why I'm here, to try to understand.

Sounds like this facility is causing him more harm than good. You need to take him only to the psychologist that said he has Aspergers because maybe that guy can help him where all the others have failed.

BTW- did you know there is an online high school? I've seen it advertised a lot. Also some high schools now have home school programs too. My friend just told me her daughter's school started a home school program where you do all your work and tests at home and then drop it off for the teacher to grade each week. Her child doesn't have AS she's just Goth or Emo or something and doesn't want to go into the school building anymore and they let her home school. She said a bunch of kids are opting for that. If your son is facing abuse and bullying at school which he probably is if he has AS (or for that matter anything where he is different) then he will be more likely to finish school and get his diploma if you can get in a home school or online program.

I'll say what I say to every parent here- find a local autism support group so you will have other understand parents to talk to and your son can meet other kids he might relate to. If it turns out he doesn't have AS those parents are still a good source of information on how to get help in your community.

AS people can form relationships btw. But each of us is different; we are not cookie cutter copies of each other like so many "experts" would have parents believe. I have sat in a room of adult Aspies and saw we had a few similarities but we were very different in our functioning levels. Aspergers is a very wide spectrum.

YIKES! Now he doesn't sound like he's AS. I STILL say the DR that gave him all those crazy diagnosis is wrong, but it doesn't sound like AS. Maybe it is just somewhere else on the spectrum.

Steve

Yes, that seems to be the problem. We can't tell whether he is or not. The psych says that he functions at an incredibly high level and that's why the diagnosis has been missed all these years. I don't know. I'm just looking for some medium where he can exist in peace.

Let me ask ya'll this....this is one of my biggest problems with him. As long as things go just like he wants them to, we're fine, but if there's a hiccup in that or he doesn't get his way, it's total meltdown, either overtly or covertly.

Is this an AS thing?

that does sort of sound like a common AS thing