Unfairness

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Hello.
Today i woke up pretty late (after noon) and was told that lunch would be served soon. So i got up and went to the bathroom. Whilst i was in the bathroom my dad said lunch was ready.
So when i was done in the bathroom i went to the table, only to find that my younger sister was sitting in my chair. (About a year and a half ago she got to choose where she would sit, and she chose the chair closest to the window, mine is closest to the wall). I just looked at her in shock (since where i sit is important to me) and asked her to move out of my seat. She said "I have the right to choose who sits where"
And i responded with "Yes, when we moved here but you cant just randomly change the seating arrangement"
and then she said "I'll change place if you tell me why you are so grumpy"
to which i said "because you're in my seat".

I then took another seat (not mine) and ate my food there.
Afterward i asked her if she thought she acted appropriately and she said that "Oh, so it's not okay when im difficult for once"
and i said: "im not being difficult" to which she laughed.

I am quite hurt about this since it feels very important to me, and now i feel as if my "christmas spirit" (mood for the holiday) is somewhat ruined (by her acting the way she did)

My advice, as someone who is likely older than you,
is don't sweat the small stuff.

I went to a relative's house for a holiday meal once.
The seats were all taken in the dining room and living room.
My sister actually told me to just "sit on the floor."
Instead, I went back into my dad's old computer room.
Dad had died, but it was his favorite room, so I sat in his computer chair
and enjoyed my holiday meal with only his photo for company.
And this, after I had driven hundreds of miles to see my family.
I've never gone back there for a holiday meal again.

I went to a different relative's house for a different holiday.
They let me oversleep breakfast entirely.
By the time I came down to the kitchen,
all the food had been put away and
a big argument broke out as to whether
I would get to eat anything at all.
There was a bunch of yelling, screaming, and bickering
about how much trouble I was causing by sleeping in ...
even after I had asked politely if it was okay for me to sleep in
and I had been told yes.
I ended up simply leaving their house in the middle of the holiday
and was treated much better at the highway rest stop by strangers
when I ordered a sandwich.
Again, I had driven hundreds of miles to see my family.
I've never gone back to that person's house.

In both cases, I would have been very happy to take any seat at the table
that was offered to me ...
and grateful for any food offered to me
that I could eat in peace and quiet.

No, I'm not going home for Christmas this year.

And I won't let other people ruin my Christmas spirit ...
partly because that would be letting them win,
mostly because Christmas is about the birth of Christ.

Christ should have the best seat at the table.
One way we can make that happen is by donating something to a food pantry
if we're able to.

Last edited by the_phoenix on 18 Dec 2016, 10:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

The end result was the same: you got lunch.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

It sounds like your sister thinks you get special treatment.

My husband finally understood this phrase after me saying it for many many years after similar situations like your who's in my chair.

"You can be right or you can have a relationship."

I don't know how old you and your sister are or your family dynamics.

When it happens in my husband's family, the person is just yanking your chain as a joke and is trying to have some sort of interaction. I don't see it (from what you wrote) as some vicious plan to make you miserable.

My husband was very black and white on "family rules". That destroy any relationship he had with his siblings. It has taken 30 years of me pointing out that it wasn't the chair, they wanted some kind of interaction with a person who is really hard to approach and engage. Now him and his siblings are on much better terms.

Before our marriage, my husband would have stormed out over the chair. Now it's "Okay Goldilocks, have your hour of power." That's means 1) you can't get me mad, 2) calling you on your silly behavior, 3) the meal and company are more important to me than where I sit.

Adults overlook small stuff, because it isn't important in the bigger scheme of things. There are things my husband does that are annoying but don't need to be pointed out, because if you point out every annoying habit/behavior you will have no relationship. I know he does that for me.

If your sister didn't want anything to do with you, she would have not taken your chair or said two words to you. It's easier to ignore than engage. Ignoring means the person isn't worth the effort to aggravate.

Trying to put a different perspective on the situation.

Just to make things clear:
I am 16, my sister is 14.
To me it is more important to sit in my seat than to have a nice family dinner.

When I was younger I had much more difficulty with change with my routine than I do now though I still do struggle at times and might lash out if someone is being really forceful or if I am already stressed to begin with. I always sat in the same chair at dinner and had other rules like I couldn't stand anyone being in my elbow space. I wanted to use the same glass, same spoon etc. I suppose I had the same argument that you did at one time or another.

You can make it easier by slowly desensitizing yourself to situations like this one by one. Purposely choose another chair to sit in by your own free will. It will get easier and easier the more often you do it. This can help you get along with your family better and make it so you aren't so distressed when you have to sit elsewhere.

Growing up in my family, we actually had assigned seating, and were taught and expected to use good manners and common courtesy. Every once in a while, someone would sit in another person's chair ... I might pick out somewhere different on purpose, or someone might sit down in my normal seat before I got there. Either way, it was not the end of the world. I simply enjoyed the change of pace and the slightly different change of scenery ... Anyways, the odds were good that the next day, everything would go back to normal. We all just seemed to like our assigned seats best, so there were no issues. We were all pretty flexible.

The sad and ironic thing in the case of my family is that after my father died, certain other family members became openly abusive. It's gotten to the point where I love them, forgive them, and pray for them ... from a good safe distance. There's one sister who has shown me that she is taking actual steps to improve our relationship, so I am willing to visit there (and try to be a gracious guest by bringing a small gift and offering to help around the house) as an overnight guest when schedules permit and I am invited.

There's a happy medium between being too fussy about how you're treated and being a doormat.

And how do you think your family feels about that?

At some point you have to realize: Not everything in life is all about you.

Additionally, your sister likely did this on purpose because she knew you would fuss. If you didn't fuss, it would take that power away from her and she would not do it.

im not a turkey?

Everything in my life is about me.
i need for things to be in order and the same way, so not fussing isnt an option for me

I agree that that's not fair, and I can DEFINETLY relate especially in cars and such, however she's also your sibling and it's natural for siblings to behave as rotten as they can to their sibling because they enjoy the suffering of the other sibling. Honestly, my brother is a devil to me and I am to him, and that's unavoidable, god knows why. So best thing to do I guess is to live with it until you're out of that house and you will NEVER have to yield to her again.

You seem unsure.

Alright, you're not a turkey.
Turkeys, as far as I know, do not get upset when other turkeys sit in their chair.

Isn't it unfair that you are fussing about letting her sit in a chair even though you don't own it and your parents do therefore they should decide who can sit in it because that is actually fair? If you want fairness then you'd let her take turns in the chair as you don't own the chair. What you are describing is "I say it's mine therefore it's mine" which is not fair, this is chair tyranny.

fair
adjective
1. treating people equally without favouritism or discrimination.
"the group has achieved fair and equal representation for all its members"
synonyms: just, equitable, fair-minded, open-minded

You are wrong.
Last year when we moved into our current apartment she got the right to choose what chair she gets to sit in. She chose the one closest to the window. I got the one closest to the wall.
The day this happened she randomly changed the chair she wanted, from hers (that she got to choose) to mine (which I was given) .
She had the right to originally choose what chair became hers, not keep changing her mind about it when we have had our own chairs for over a year.