Mental abuse by parents

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Alright first of all to this very moment I am still hesitant about posting this but I just don't know what to do anymore. Also I had no idea where to post this so I just chose the general discussion.
Here's the situation, a very good friend of mine ( yes the famous excuse I realize but it's true ) has autism, is in his mid-twenties and lives with his parents.
I've known my friend for about 6 years now and because of our shared hobbies and interests we've established a very good friendship.
We're even working on projects together which is always incredibly fun.
After a few months of me knowing him I started noticing some odd things about his situation.
The first thing was that he was never online except for a few hours in the evening.
When I asked him about it he told me he was not allowed on the computer during the day.
I thought this was strange but hey, we've all had parents, or at least experience with those type of parents right ?
But I also started noticing his parents yelling at him to make them food or bring them drinks in the middle of the evening where we played a game for example.
In the following years he started sharing more and more information with me.
As it turns out during the day he has to do at least 4 - 6 hours of manual labor so to say.
Cleaning toilets, doing the dishes, taking care of the pets, vacuum cleaning, dusting, even some cooking and work in the yard.
Now I get that everyone has to do its fair share around the house but he was very specific about the time he HAD to do these things.
Which was most of his entire day, and in the evenings he had some spare time as I said, but this was only about an hour or two before the parents told him to go to bed.
To cut to the chase, after what has been 6 years I also found out he has never had therapy because '' my parents won't let me. ''
He doesn't use medication. ( I'm really not trying to offend anyone but I have other friends with autism and they have expressed themselves very positively about therapy and meds. )
His parents even take the monthly fee he receives from his government, all of it.
They tell him he can only spend so little time at the pc because of their electrical usage, which personally doesn't make sense to me since they already take all the money he has from him.
They make him work the entire day and he's not allowed to do what he loves best except for those couple of hours in the evening.
He is forced to come grocery shopping make them drinks and food, go to bed when they want him to go to bed etc etc etc.
I'm sorry for rambling but I feel so helpless, this is a 25 year old man, a very friendly guy, always helpful and nice, but he gets treated like some sort of little child-slave.
He has told me he feels like his parents have taken his life away from him. And That's basically what it is exactly.
I have advised him to seek professional help which he couldn't do at first because his parents obstructed him in this.
He luckily found a way and has been starting to see a therapist who he now can talk with.
But therapy can take years, and he isn't in a healthy environment to progress.
He has also expressed that he is scared to end up on the streets if he ever went against his parents.
So my question is what should he do ? Where should he begin ?
His parents are basically breaking the law, and I would've helped him out more but he lives in a different country from me.
Is there any fast solution to this abuse ? Cause I'm all out of ideas, I feel my friend needs to get out of there, and quickly.
He told me about depressions and dark thoughts I don't even wish to discuss here ...

Man do I feel glad to not be at "home"

How heartbreaking... I'll bet he doesn't know his rights either. I went through the same from ages 12 to 20 with my foster parent, she didn't let me use the internet AT ALL. Also I was estranged from my family and the worst part is although I got away three years ago my twin sister who was lower functioning is still stuck there and not even allowed to contact me and my family that I escaped to are all useless...

I would call APS on them and have your friend taken away and sent to a group home. I've been living here since my dad lost his house, it's way better than being a slave, I get to do pretty much whatever I want all day every day

That sounds pretty awful. Are you sure you can't contact local authorities in his area, even though they're a different country, let them know what's up?

I can´t believe there are more cases like this you guys, I hope it all works out for you too.
Am I even able to call local authorities when I´m so far away ? And yes at this point that seems like one of the last options, though I don't want to betray my friends trust either.

Edit : Oh and APS ? I don't know what that is but I'll do some research, thanks for all the replies !
I find it horrible that people are being treated like this.

If he is only doing 4 - 6 hours of work per day around the house, and isn't employed and contributing monetarily to the family unit, he is lucky indeed. It is not abnormal for an adult to work 8-12 hours per day, and then come home and do an additional 2 or 3 hours in housework. If he is only doing 6 hours of work in the house, then he owes the family 450 dollars (going off minimum wage) per month to equate to contributing full time.

I retract what I have said if he is already working full time and doing this additional household work on top of that.

Yes Emylee as I said I get that people have to do their fair share. But that's just the manual labor, the rest of the day he doesn't get to do anything either, and still has to make them foods and drinks and come with them to the store etc. So let's say he sleeps 8 hours, and gets 2 hours of spare time ( that gets interrupted more often than not ) , then the other 14 hours of the day his parents force him to do whatever they feel fit.
And about the money, first of all, he's their son, his parents should love him and treat him accordingly, instead of act like he has to pay for everything even though he's clearly not capable of doing so financially.
Second, they already take all his money away. That combined is just outrighteously wrong in my book.

Bull. Children don't owe their parents rent. Therefore the math is irrelevant. The parents are not allowed to use money provided for his support for anything else, either.


Can he get out of this? Can he live on his own? That's the solution. The question is how to get there. Perhaps if he had that check it could go toward alternative housing. How capable is he of managing things for himself? What kind of support is there in his area?

What country and region does he live in? Maybe we can find resources to help him get out of that dark place, if we knew where he was.

When I was a child I was expected to hand over any and all cash I acquired. I was expected to mow lawns, rake leaves, walk dogs, etc for our neighbors. All my proceeds were then handed over to the family help pay for my expenses. (food and clothing, school supplies, etc,) and to help pay for the expenses of the younger children. When I received toys as gifts from grandparents, I was expected to sell the same number of toys to make room for the new ones. That money went into the family as well. All able bodied individuals, no matter the age, were required to provide for themselves and for the members of the family not able to do so.

My point is that just because his level of contribution exceeds what you'd consider normal, it does not mean that it is wrong. He is a grown man, and with all the work you say he does for his family I am confidant he would be able to hold a job rather well. It is his decision not to, and it is his decision to stay at home with his family. It is not your responsibility nor your right to interfere with his personal life. You are his friend, if he wants help he will ask you for it.

He is not a child, he is a grown capable man. And I was assuming that they provide him with food, shelter, and clothing. That costs money.

I too say BS, living with your family is not and never should be a paid job. The parent who goes to work 8-12 hours a day then comes home to do a further 3 hours of housework (which no-one gets paid for anyway) does so because of their own lifestyle choices, they chose to get married and they chose to have children. If they didn't then they are completely irresponsible for getting themselves into that situation.

Children do not get any choice about being born into their family, so why should they be expected to pay to be a part of that family?

I have three kids, including a 19 year old son who lives at home, he is not autistic or anything, he has just not spread his wings yet. And yes he has to do chores like everyone else, but only about 2 hours or so at most - after all he is my son not my wage slave. He has chores because it's only fair that he contributes in a small way, and because its part of teaching him personal responsibility. i.e. he does token chores to learn important life skills, not to pay to be part of the family.

We also have limits on his computer time (7.30pm - 1am) purely because it is affecting his health. At 19 he already has fatty liver (the first stage of liver failure) due to sitting around practically motionless and eating unhealthy snacks / drinking pop all day. But apart from those modest requirements/limitations we don't try to control every minute of his life, and even encourage him to socialise more.

My youngest son is Autistic, and we get disability allowance for him - which is mostly spent on things he needs as a result of his disability - i.e. on him not us. At seven years old he is too young to be expected to take on any responsibility. But he will have small chores as he gets older - to make him feel more useful, not to take advantage of his vulnerability. We have already accepted that he might never gain full independence, but that's okay - we brought him into this world, so it is down to us to make sure that he gets a fair deal out of this life (insofar as we are able to do so of course).

It's called being a responsible parent - you bring a child into this world and you are responsible for the happiness and wellbeing of that child. They however are not responsible for your happiness and wellbeing!

As a parent as well as someone with Aspergers, I hope this young man can get some kind of freedom from this virtual slavery his parents seem to have imposed upon him!

What you're saying (Jon093) doesn't appear as abuse to me. Having to contribute 4-6 hours work a day, having a couple of hours a day to pursue interests, the bulk or all his minimal income being used to provide for his essential needs still sounds less demanding than ordinary independent living. Most people spend 10-12 hours a day performing necessary tasks. When I had a young family I typically had to sacrifice slept just to meet my responsibilities, there was no free time at all. And every cent I earned when toward maintaining my family, I spent very little on myself. The only difference here is that his parents are making his decisions for him instead of at 25, more typically, he would be doing it at his own discretion. While as you have stated it, it does sound regressive; he's being promoted towards dependency rather that independence, people typically when complaining state the negative but leave out the positive. It's impossible to tell from far away what the full and true circumstance is. If he's attending therapy, which has a far better potential to view the reality and influence toward a more positive outcome, I think that that is the best and most that can be done. As a friend I would just encourage him toward working on and helping himself. Being a independent adult doesn't mean not being told what to do any more, it means doing it without being told.

If I am crossing some line, please let me know. I am wondering if my statements have come across as callous. If that is the case I apologize.

It is my opinion that too many children are too entitled and pampered. It is not good for a child to be handed anything. They should learn early on they must work for what they not only want, but what they need for survival as well. For centuries adults have put their children to work as soon as they were able. Because to survive in this world one must work for every piece of grain they consume. It's the hard truth and I do not think sheltering children from this is doing them any favors. In fact, I believe it is hindering them. It has only been a recent trend to pamper the young. It disturbs me. We are already seeing some of the consequences (many young men and women are on government assistance.) What happened to self respect and hard work? And if you disagree with me, it might be enlightening to know that child labor laws ARE NOT enforced on family businesses. Parents not only have the right to make their children work, they also have the responsibility.

You mentioned your son becoming ill because you allowed him to consume unhealthy food and remain motionless all day. That is not being a good parent. I wouldn't even allow my dog to become so inactive it would impact his health. I portion his high quality food, give him fruits and vegetables as treats, take him for runs and walks, and give him mental stimulation in the form of agility training. And that's just my dog. Your child's health is your responsibility and you should take it more seriously.

That's a very important difference. That is the whole problem.

Agreed, he has to get out of there.

Making yourself do things because you have chosen to do them is freedom. What is described in the OP is not.

Well yes you are crossing the line a bit - by telling me I'm an irresponsible parent without the full details.

I'm a great believer in taking responsibility for you own life and your own actions (bringing a child into the world is your action not your son/daughters ). I always expect my kids to take personal responsibility for their own actions. And I certainly don't let them think they can have whatever they want when they want it. Other kids get designer labels and expensive toys - my kids get what we can afford, and never complain about it because we have never given them a sense of entitlement in the first place. I certainly don't stand for them complaining that my rules are unfair - under my roof they live by my rules! But at the same time they are children and deserve to enjoy their childhood

At the age of sixteen I tried to give my son the responsibility for living his own life - to install independence into him. (At sixteen I'd already left home and was working to pay my rent) If I never gave him some choice over his life then I would have been pampering him by making all his decisions for him. Unfortunately he proved to me that he was incapable of doing that by becoming so inactive and so obsessed with computer games that he made himself ill by the time he was eighteen. As a result I took away some of his liberty and required him to become more active (if it was up to me his computer hours would be even less but his mother is too soft on him, and he is hers from a previous marriage). His illness is his doing and his responsibility, but while he is in my house he will not be damaging his health anymore because I won't let him.

My eldest son is at college now, but works part time in a restaurant preparing food at the weekends, and he has to pay board out of that - not all of his money, just some of it. TBH it is more like a token amount to remind him that life isn't free, but he still has money left over for his own use because he also needs to see that there actually is an incentive for working.

My father was very strict, very violent, and very abusive, he made my life hell as a child back in the sixties. But you know what - he never expected me to help support my younger siblings, because he saw that as his responsibility, not mine. He required me to work at home, but also let me enjoy my childhood once the few chores I had were done. He refused to give pocket money and from the age of 13 expected me to go out and work if I wanted money of my own (in the UK it was illegal to make anyone under the age of 13 work back then) - but that money was my own and he never took it from me. If I earned it I got to spend it, though of course I got an ear bashing if I was profligate with my money. Once I was old enough to work full time I had to pay board, but not so much that I was unable to have a social life with what was left over! And this is a father who actually hated me and beat me every day for the tiniest reason!

What is the point in living in a modern civilisation if we can't give our children the right to be children? not to be wage slaves, or surrogate parents, but simple children with time to be themselves. That does not mean teaching them to be privileged or entitled, just to be able to actually enjoy the life that the modern world gives them!

He lives in England, obviously I don´t want to share much more than that. I live in the Netherlands myself.
Is there any emergency line I could call ? Is there any assisted living instance he could have access to quickly ?
He states that he is more than willing to live on his own and expresses a great desire for this.
Also, he says that he feels completely capable of living away from his parents on his own.