Asperger and lack of reciprocity

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When an autistic/asperger lacks social reciprocity and can't do the "give and take", what is wrong? I mean; why is it that way?
Is it just beacuse of lacking social interest or something in the way they function?

I don't have any links to scientific studies, but I'm sure someone here can provide you with that.

Personally, it's like I'm ignorant in the topic. I'm completely blank in my mind. I do know quite a lot in very specific areas but I'm often having to say I don't know to people. It makes me sound less intelligent than I am but I get stuck and can't think of a damn thing to say.

These days I just say the first thing that comes to mind, especially after that awkward pause after we're done greeting each other.

For me, it is usually a case of "didn't know".

For example, I didn't know that when people asked how you were, it was rude to just answer the question rather than asking how they were in return. I didn't know that it wasn't so much a question as a basic social interaction. Social reciprocity, as with all other social skills, is a learned skill. For me at least, social skills have always been a problem, mainly because my brain isn't wired for social interaction by default. Over time, I have learned the basics of social interaction, including reciprocity, but it took (and still takes) a conscious effort to do so. I still constantly find myself committing social faux pas due to a lack of understanding of the social expectation.

I want to say I have a very formal overly polite style of communication because it is purely learned. For example, when ordering food at a restaurant, I will say please after each component of the order

"Hello sir, I would like a medium rare hamburger please, with french fries please, Oh.. cheese only please.. and a diet coke please.. thank you.."

Yes, it is overly formal but I am no longer accused of being rude and the rule set is very simple..

Social chitchat? Yeah, I do still tend to go off onto a long winded story to avoid the back-and-forth..

Patterns of social interaction are things people on the spectrum find difficult. We don't just pick those things up. We have to make a conscious effort to learn and use normalised social behaviour. This is why social communication can be tiring for us. It requires a lot more work and effort than it does for other people.

Ditto your post. I've learned lots of social interaction but many years later than my peers. If someone asked me how I was I'd treat it as a logical question and say "I'm fine etc". In exactly the same was as if they'd asked me any other topic related question. After 50 years I'm now aware that such a question is an attempt at social interaction and thus my answer is less important than reciprocating the question back to them.

This is a bit of a tangent, but I have had (and sometimes still have) trouble with this reciprocity aspect of socialisation, yet at one point at work I decided for myself "You know what, I'm gonna give it a try and pay more attention to the 'How are yous' and 'I'm fines'", but I had 2 co-workers I had the most interaction with at work, and I would ask them 'How are you?' and they would answer 'Fine', and I'd just be standing there, kind of expecting/anticipating the 'And how are you?' reciprocal question, and it just wouldn't come. They'd just continue preparing for the job. Even though, with each other they're super-social and banter and small-talk and everything. I was surprised that I didn't get the 'And how are you?' question back. But my theory is that it's because my 'How are you?' question probably looked 'forced' or 'fake' to them, so they didn't bother with the reciprocation.

lol. I have always found that as a bit of a curiosity myself and have run into it many times. Usually, I am unsure as to whether I should be insulted by not receiving the reciprocation or not... I usually respond with a "glad to hear" and wander off feeling rather awkward.

I Don't understand other people and don't understand what they expect of me.
I know you are supposed to answer 'how are you' when someone asks you that question. Sometimes I do when I feel like being formal and proper, but other times I don't.
They are strangers and I really don't want to know how they are and it doesn't feel right to keep up the charade. I think that then I am saving them the trouble of answering the question that I don't like answering.
At those times I just smile and say 'fine thanks' or 'hi' which I believe is actually a shortened form of 'how are you'.

I usually don't bother because I'm not interested. A lot of the fixed social phrases also require a certain intonation that I can't produce. It would sound ridiculous if I said "I'm fine, how are you?" Imagine Eeyore saying that. In the less structured interactions, like small-talk, I don't know what to say, even if I wanted to reciprocate.

For the sake of small talk (which I hate and fail at dismally any way), I used to ask the old insincere "How are you?" but I came to the realisation that I really didn't give a s#!t how they were and that it often led to uncomfortably long conversations where I'd rather chew my own arms off just to get away than to try to be interested in some crap they were waffling on about.

I've since learnt that a simple, closed "Good morning!" is far less likely to invoke a huge boring conversation - and even if they do ask "How are you?", a quick "Fine thanks!" as I'm walking away usually does the trick!

If someone asks me: "How are you?" I usually ask them: "Do you want the social answer or the real answer?"

If they say "Social", I say: "I'm fine thanks, how are you?"

If they say "Real answer", I tell them how I am really feeling and sometimes a conversation will ensue.

(Of course, some of the time my question just provokes a blank look, in which case I say: "I'm fine thanks", and move on)

I also would feel ridiculous trying to copy proper social intonation.

This is like asking, why can't all people be amazing singers? I (not me personally, it's just an example) have an amazing singing voice, so why can't others do it? Are they just not interested? Do they not want to learn?

Some people are born with musical talent, others are not. Some people are born with social talent, others are not. You can learn it, to an extent, but that talent may never come naturally to you. You can learn song lyrics, what pitch is, what the keys are, etc. but that does not make you an amazing singer. Just like I can learn about social cues and what you are supposed to say and do around others, but that doesn't make me into a social person.

Edit: Retracted

Last edited by delaSHANE on 20 Nov 2013, 11:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yep. I didn't really learn this until fairly recently; my default response always is "eh, I'm OK" and nothing more. Or if I'm not in a great mood, I'll answer honestly.

I've picked up certain things over the years from observation, but apparently not enough. I didn't think that I was that impaired socially until I discussed my suspicions of having AS to a friend. She told me about all these things I do or don't do—big things and small—that I wasn't really aware of. Like, when I respond "uh huh" to people, I apparently respond too quickly and too frequently, which makes it seem like I'm not listening. Who thinks of stuff like that!? (Answer: Neurotypicals, apparently.)