Lacking leadership abilities!

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I am very intelligent through my above average intelligence quotient, but still I often feel like I am not that clever after all.

I have realized it's because I lack natural leadership abilities. I mean, in order to lead an independent good life, you have to take control over your life and find it important that everything goes well.

I think it's because of my Aspergers I want to have somebody else tell me what to do - then I find it important to do it. But if I have to tell myself to do something, it's much harder to convince myself it's important.


Does anyone recognize these feelings? Anybody knows how to naturally get better at/more fond of leading instead of being led?

When I read the subject line, I thought the thread would be about leading others, rather than personal independence. I know I'm completely out of place in most situations where I'd need to lead other people.

As for personal independence, I think executive dysfunction and inertia may be involved. I manage to be reasonably independent, but the results aren't that great as anyone who's seen my apartment will tell you. But I manage to keep myself clean, fed, and in possession of a reasonable set of techno-toys.

I chafe at the very thought of being directly dependent on others, even to the extent of sharing a household with them. I'd rather be moderately failing at housekeeping like I am now than have little privacy and independence.

I agree with the above poster, I don't think "leadership" is quite the word for what you mean. You don't "lead" yourself, you lead others. Telling yourself what to do might be called being self-directed or self-determined.

Hey guys, thanks for commenting.

So this is likely a matter of executive dysfunction and inertia? Those two problems are the reason I prefer to be led by others rather than "leading myself"?

Well, I'm no ASD professional (just a layman with ASD! ) but I think it seems likely. They're common deficits in autistics and most likely cause most of the frustration they experience in trying to lead an independent life.

Unfortunately there are no cures for these, but if your area has some kind of support network (government or otherwise) perhaps you can get help with getting things started or help setting up routines for what needs to be done.

Around here it's common for social worker type people to help autistics out with these. They'll show up at appointed times and help get you started with cleaning or whatnot.

Okay, that's actually good to know, because I realize it's a problem.

It's really not so much that I don't know what to do - the problem is often the having the motivation for getting it done. I tend to think too much about why I do things instead of just doing them.

That sounds exactly like me.

qawer, thanks for bringing this up because it is important to me also. I was diagnosed just this year, and have been re-examining things as a result.

Something that is helping me is to critically reevaluate those things that I believe "should" be done. I find that many things I beat myself up for not doing are simply "shoulds" that have been instilled in me by my society/culture. They may or may not be truly important to me and my well-being. Some examples:

1. "The house should be cleaned weekly" - Really? How about if I just clean things as they need to be cleaned, and when I am in the mood to do so? Maybe it is because I am a guy, but I think it a bit senseless to empty a trash can of papers each week if it takes it a month to fill up. Similarly, I find if I keep a duster within easy reach it is actually a bit of fun to zap dust as soon as it dares to rear its ugly head.

2. "Clothes should be ironed and folded or hung immediately after laundry" - Really? I find no harm in allowing clean laundry to accumulate in a pile until I want to store them. (Heck, some can just live in the clean laundry pile for all I care.)

And so on. Relieving myself of unexamined "shoulds", and where needed substituting what works for me, has helped increase my sense of self-efficacy.

Can I ask you, how you deal with this issue?

I am not sure I am understanding you correctly. The Gary Larson cartoon of a stampeding herd of buffalo came to mind where one of the buffalo in front says to the one next to him, "As if we all knew where we are going".

I think one Aspie advantage is the ability to resist being stampeded into a direction without being first convinced that it is the right direction.

We live in a world where "leadership" is defined by like-ability. The charismatic, slap on the back, ready with a joke, self-confident guy is going to be seen as a leader because he can draw people after him regardless of where he is going. There is one aspect to true leadership that is often missing, that is knowing where you are going and why.

I get the feeling that you are perplexed by not being able to "take control over your life". It sounds like what you are missing is to know where you are going and why. For some people a goal of prosperity, fame, or achievement is a sufficient star by which to set the course of their life. I have set mine to follow Jesus (oddly this has taken me away from churches).

I think it might be an Aspie characteristic to take a step back and look at the larger picture and see if what we are doing or considering fits into this larger picture. It can be unsettling to take several steps back and still not see anywhere we can "plant our flag".

If I can be of any help, please feel free to PM me.

It's as if I like to "attach" myself to somebody else and act according to their mind. I get motivation through helping others, not that much from helping myself. This is kind of weird.

Some (social) people are able to make me feel that my life is very important and act accordingly. I do feel my life is important myself, but it's much more difficult to act accordingly from that feeling compared to that I get from others.

I think it has got to do with other people being more emotional. They get more angry, which is a sign they think something is important. It takes far more for me to get angry than some people I know.

In some way, when I feel their anger I somehow get affected to feel things are important too. But it's not natural for me to get that emotional myself.

Other people are driven by their emotions, and since I have Aspergers Syndrome I have a below average emotional intelligence. I think that's why it's more difficult for me to feel motivated.

Can one somehow get around this low-emotion issue?

That is not AS. That is a symptom of Dependant PD.

I hate being told what to do. I don't really like being the leader as well, but if I were to choose between being told what to do and being the leader I'd choose the latter. Also people tell me I'm somewhat bossy at times because "I always want to get my own way". I may look shy and passive but I hate being bossed around and can get very uncooperative if I am not with the right people.

In the Army leaders are not born. They are trained. I am a graduate of ROTC, Officer Basic Course, and Officer Advanced Course. I had to work hard to excel in these courses because of some of my AS hindrances. True leadership serves others and is always responsible to higher authorities. The so-called leaders in church simply drove me wild. They were often given the positions based on their personalities and their money. I thought that was complete BS. I told them that the church needed true leaders, but they would have none of it. "This isn't the Army", they said. Well, the Army recruits 60,000 men and women every year. Church attendance is declining. Hmmm.....