What "Lack of Empathy" REALLY Means

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The statement that people on the spectrum lack empathy was the hardest thing for me to accept and part of why I tried to reject my diagnosis for so long when I was a kid, because to me that sounded like I was a selfish, heartless person who only cared about what I wanted. The fact that the media often portrays us that way doesn't help. But I'm starting to realize that what it really means, at least to me, is that I just don't have the capacity to anticipate other people's feelings or needs. I don't think that's the same thing, because if the people I care about - my friends, family and loved ones - tell me what they need from me, I will do it in a heartbeat. But many times I find myself frustrated to tears, feeling like I'm being given a quiz I didn't study for, because I've failed to figure out what the other person wanted and no matter how many possibilities I run through my head, I can't think of what could be the problem. I wonder sometimes if people are ever going to be able to accept that this is how my brain works, that I really am a compassionate person and have the best of intentions but you are pretty much always going to have to tell me what you need from me.

Yes, that IS what "lack of empathy" really means.

And yes, someone DOES need to tell the media. As well as the mental health profession.

Look up "affective empathy" and "cognitive empathy." I get them mixed up, but one means, "caring and wanting to help" and the other one means "feeling the same way and being helped by the same things as others." We have the "caring and wanting to help" part. The "feeling the same way and being helped by the same things" part, we don't...

...that's what makes it so hard, that's why other people can "guess," because they all react in more or less the same way to the same things. It's not something they think about-- that's why they don't know how to think about it when we're functional at a funeral and sobbing six weeks later, or we try to fix being upset by solving the problem, or whatever.

I guess we have actually known this for a really long time-- Lorna Wing and Uta Frith knew it, Simon Baron-Cohen knew it...

...and they made those distinctions. But somehow it got twisted, real quick, into "sociopaths/psychopaths without the ability to care about others." I think because people are stupid and simplistic, and other people (who may be Aspies themselves) underestimate how stupid and simplistic people really are.

And a lot of people got hurt. Now what??

It is imo all about the difference in social behaviour. People with AS are suited for solo-hunting, while NTs are suited for group-hunting.

NTs have more empathy than people with AS, which they need to secure a dynamic well-functioing group. You have to be able to "put yourself in someone else's shoes" in order to fast and accurately know what to do in a group-setting (i.e. more or less automatically).

For people with AS, on the other hand, it is more natural to hunt solo. A solo hunter does not need empathy to succeed because he has no group he has to fit into. Since he does not depend on some group, he has no reason to please those that do not treat him well. But those that do treat him well will often be met by immense compassion and sympathy, because he does care about good company.

NTs often cannot offer the same amount of compassion/sympathy (or at least express it so openly/obviously!), because it would threaten their position in the group to which they belong. They have to make sure not to treat those below them too well, and make sure they please those above them enough. Otherwise they might not be accepted by the group, and that is the most important thing for a group-hunter.

Autistic people often feel guilty over bad/negative occurrences that aren't even their fault. That's the exact opposite of how sociopaths think along with most NTs as well.

Manipulative people often take advantage of this trait... and they dont even feel the slightest bit of guilt for doing so. If they do feel guilt, they don't like admitting to it.

Anyway, to my own point I was going to make:

I would reccomend reading the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." I've learned so far from reading a few chapters that Men naturally lack empathy. Women are usually very empathetic. However, the differences in communication between man and women is what makes it difficult to understand the empathy difference. There were a lot of things that happened when I was dating that I thought was related to my diagnosis. Later on, I found out it related to inexperience, immaturity, lack of understanding between men and women and my being a man.

And when I need to solve a problem, I look to do it on my own and look for advice when I need it. When any women who wants to ask me what is wrong when I don't want to talk about it (when I need to solve it on my own), i warn them as politely as possible with "I'll be back, I need to think about something." If this gets misinterpreted and she keeps pushing for me to talk, I get angry. Then it becomes my fault that I got angry. I got upset because she didn't want to leave me alone when I asked her to do so.

The part that will make you an Aspie will likely be in cognitive functioning. In my case, I find my ability to handle stress needs work and my abilty to handle emotions often overwhelms me.

Yes! Exactly.

I can't always read people's expressions, so I err on the side of paranioa and start trying to guess what they want from me, and if I (often wrongly) think they're upset/angry, I will naturally assume it's my fault and I need to fix it. This leads to me running round trying to make people smile, because I can recognise a smile, a smile means I'm not in trouble.

Unfortunately the running round thing can get me in trouble for being too clingy, or just get me taken advantage of...

I'm learning to stop and ask if there's a problem now, rather than just panicking. And I'm learning that sometimes the expression I'm interpreting as a negative one is just thoughtful, or is a random scowl that has nothing to do with anything I've done....

I've come across many NTs who didn't give a s**t about my feelings. They just used me for their own benefit: cheap laugh, cure for boredom, self esteem boost, etc. How exactly is that empathetic? I think psychologists have an agenda: to show mankind is inherently good. I disagree. Most evidence points to the contrary. So the psychologists come up with a plethora of excuses for why people do/did f****d up things, or they try to categorize small groups of people, such as sociopaths and those with Asperger's, as being the ones who lack empathy. Just my theory *shrugs*

Those nasty-behaved NTs might well have well developed empathy, but they completely lack compassion and sympathy. Empathy can be used positively or negatively, it is simply to be able to "put yourself in someone else's shoes". That is why confusion about having empathy often arises. Had those NTs had the slightest bit of compassion and sympathy, there would never have done what they did to you.

Most people are NT, and NTs have an innate pack mentality. Pack mentality implies that the weakest individuals (that includes AS people) should be picked on so that the survival of the strongest individuals are prioritized the most. So society does promote that kind of behaviour. It is awful to look at, even worse experiencing.

This subject seems to generate a new thread about twice a week here. Astonishing that it hasn't become common knowledge yet.

Empathy = ability to read nonverbal cues and respond appropriately.

Sympathy = resonating emotionally with the plight of others.

Not the same thing.

And you're right - idiot journalists make the same mistake constantly, assuming that 'lack of empathy' means the inability to feel emotion, which is sheer ignorance, because that is not what it means at all. Empathy has very little to do with emotion, it's a social talent, which may or may not involve feeling sympathy.

I have been trying to make a point of this on a lot of these threads about empathy that keep popping up, but I have been afraid to in case somebody takes offense. I don't think it's offensive at all, I just think it is the way it is. I have even heard NT women having a rant with each other about their husbands and how they lack empathy.

My (NT) sister was being emotionally mucked around by a married man a few years ago. This married man was promising her things like he will leave his wife, and she kept getting her hopes up then telling him how disappointed she felt when she noticed nothing he was saying seemed to be materializing. He didn't care though, about her on his own wife, as long as the plan was going his way and he was happy getting what he wanted. He didn't seem to be aware that somebody was going to end up getting hurt. And that goes on an awful lot. Personally I would never cheat on my boyfriend. If I did, I would feel so terrible, even if he didn't know. I would feel so terrible that I just couldn't do it. I don't want to upset anyone.

Would these complaints have something to do with the women wanting the reassurance that their boyfriends/husbands love them? Would it have to do a little bit with the man trying to offer advice or fix the woman's problems when all she wants is to talk, feel comfort and be held?

You describe a deficiency in Cognitive Empathy, Characterised by poor theory of mind. This is said to be a common trait amongst Aspergoids. This should not be confused, but often is confused with affective empathy, which is feeling compassion, warmth, and discomfort at the pain experienced by a fellow human being. According to studies and confirmed by my own experience Aspergoids are not deficient in Affective empathy.

Um, no, not in every case.